Congratulations, China. It is good that you are having these dreams now.

Ja, the T-shirt has a double entendre

This is small step forward: It means you are slowly getting your memory back. I encourage this. It is just as we discussed last week – though, you must understand,  this therapy will take many, many, many years.

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By WO KOU
Sovereignty Correspondent

‘Look – there’s a diplomat. Let’s have a rational debate!’

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Across Chinese cities, thousands poured into the streets yesterday to express a diverse range of considered musings concerning the controversial issues raised over a quintet of uninhabited islands in the South China Seas.

The Diaoyu Islands, currently claimed by Japan and China, as well as Taiwan, have become the recent subject of a heated political dispute.

Today, concerned protestors around China used a sensitive anniversary to publicly call for delicate diplomacy and plead for measures to prevent the clumsily-handled dispute from escalating into a potentially devastating confrontation.

Thought-provoking banners were in abundance, many proclaiming prudent slogans such as “Remember the tragic 1931-1945 war! End all violence, seek diplomatic solutions” and “We condemn the provocative actions of the right-wing Tokyo nationalists but urge the Chinese government to seek a bilateral solution,” as crowds called for a tactful end to the immature stand-off.

“It’s about peace and free love, man,” smiled one long-haired citizen, waving a sign playfully urging fellow citizens to “Fuck the Japanese.”

“We will not stand for any more bullying!” insisted another poster; its owner, Beijing shopkeeper Lao Ping, 52, explained he was sickened by the recent acts of cowardly violence and looting committed against foreign-owned businesses.

Many placards bore the images of incumbent leaders Hu Jintao and Wen Jiabao, as well as President-in-waiting Xi Jinping, because, as one demonstrator explained, “they’re the ones who are supposed to be in charge of defusing this mess.”

Tomorrow, millions of Chinese plan to march to their local libraries, in order to research the thorny, unresolved historical issues surrounding the partially submerged outcrop and seek more informed opinions.

“But at the end of the day, they’re just rocks,” shrugged one.

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By WANG WEI
Politics Correspondent

The poll represents the final word on Chinese democracy

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A global poll of tyrants, dictator states and banana republicans has shown unilateral support for developing nations’ one-party systems.

The poll, commissioned by Beijing in association with the China Ruling Oligarchy People’s Survey (CROPS), shows a distinct lack of interest in democratic reform.

Asked by CROPS to chose between “Western imperialist democracy”, “gradual yet persistent persecution by the state, beginning with bureaucratic headaches and ending with imprisonment” and “the current system,” an emphatic 99.4% of Chinese citizens polled chose “the current system.”

The results effectively puts an end to the long-running debate concerning China’s political reform, according to Foreign Ministry spokeswoman and part-time children’s entertainer Jiang Wu.

“This poll shows that the Chinese people are in direct agreement with the government. Citizens are simply not willing or able to make constitutional decisions for themselves,” said Wu.

“This proves what we set out to prove.”

The White House has declined to comment on the poll – a tactic some rabid Chinese analysts have interpreted as a tacit admission of the complete decline of the Western governmental system.

But US political analyst Buffalo Chambers told China Daily Show: “It’s simply presidential protocol in response to any inane line of questioning.”

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By SHAN GANQING
Employment Correspondent

Chinese workers clamour to donate some money –but not too much – to a charity fund

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) — An American proofreader has upset his co-workers after donating too much money to one of his company’s regular disaster-relief funds.

The incident has unwittingly sparked a furious web campaign and comes at a difficult time for non-domestics in China, as the country engages in a ‘100 Flowers for Foreigners’ campaign, aimed at cracking down on reprobate English teachers.

John Warner, 26, of Littleton, Colorado, was feeling nauseous during his lunch hour Tuesday and decided to go home early, unaware that HR representatives had planned a surprise fundraising activity that day in the canteen.

Warner’s absence was immediately noticed by the company’s receptionist – and resident tattle-tattle – Carolyn Wei. “I knew he had gotten salary higher than ours did, so he should have been the first to donate it!” an indignant Wei told reporters.

After receiving a text message from sympathetic colleague Li Zhifang, Warner returned and promptly donated 1,000 yuan to the cause, stifling dissent – but creating a whole new problem.

The thoughtless largesse has “deeply hurt the feelings of the company’s Chinese people,” according to Li, prompting an intranet gossip thread entitled ‘Who did John thought he was? Bob Gates?’

“It was at that moment,” said a satisfied Li, “that everyone’s comment begin to change. Now they said he thought he was better than ours!”

By early Tuesday evening, as Warner recovered at home, the ‘Bob Gates Source’ meme had been reposted online over 4 million times and an energetic netizen campaign to oust him from the country was in full swing.

Web analysts predict that, by the end of the week, Warner will have managed to inadvertently offend virtually the entire country.

Meanwhile, the total sum of RMB 5,862, raised by 126 individual employees, was donated to the China Red Cross Wednesday and had disappeared by Thursday.

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By KUO LAO
Society Correspondent

‘China is like a Lamborghini,’ says Li. ‘Fast, elitist and mostly yellow’

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – A flamboyant plutocrat has lambasted Western “outsiders” who criticize China with little understanding of its complex internal dynamics.

Eric S Li, a Harvard-educated venture capitalist with offices in New York and Tokyo, says that most foreign people simply don’t understand ordinary Chinese.

“Chinese people are happy, sometimes even very happy. Whenever I see the guy who washes my Lamborghini, he’s always smiling,” Li said. “Actually, I think he’s probably a simpleton. I can’t understand his accent at all; it’s sad. His soap ‘n’ wax is faultless, though.”

One of the problems, Li says, is a complete disconnect between lofty Western critics, with their absolutist ideals, and the day-to-day struggles of ordinary laobaixing — the regular folk who really matter.

“When I’m back in Shanghai, I see Chinese people almost every other day from my balcony. And I interact with ordinary, non-wealthy Chinese constantly. The other night, I asked my PA, Lynn, who is Chinese, if she was ‘happy’” says Li. “She replied, ‘Very happy, Mr Li. Please, can I go home now?’”

“Those were her exact words. Not ‘I lack suffrage’, not ‘there’s no rule of law’, not ‘everything I buy is either fake or toxic’ — her primary concern was getting back home in time to wake up the next morning to come back to work,” Li recalls. “I was so pleased with her answer, I said she could go home early after she’d finished washing Ted, my Tibetan mastiff.”

Chinese people also don’t care about democracy, Li says, except when it comes to important matters – like Super Happy Girls, a reality-style TV show in which viewers vote for their favorite pop act. Li says that corruption is sometimes a problem.

“The authorities need to look into that show,” he seethes. “Oh my God, did you see who won? That guy, Duan Lixi? I totally voted for Liu Xin. That was so rigged. I mean, come on.”

Despite his fervent defence, Li concedes that China does face problems.

“Some of my friends do complain about inflation, inattentive staff and fuel prices. But them’s the breaks, I say – if you drive an SUV, you’re going to have to take a little hit on gasoline,” he said. “And you can always just hire new staff.”

Overall, he says, those who criticize China simply do not understand Eric S Li.

“China rewards those who work hard and know the right people,” says Li,whose father is a high-ranking PLA officer and co-owner of a Hello Kitty franchise. “I’m proof the system works for me.”

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With a retinue that includes two female chauffeurs, Li says he understands the pain of supporting an extended family

By HUI JIA
Hurt Feelings Correspondent

Stateside Jeremy Lin fans are seen to urgently lack PRC flags

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – As “Linsanity” continues to sweep both sides of the Pacific, an increasingly heated territorial dispute concerning the “rights” to Jeremy Lin has embroiled China, the US and Taiwan.

Lin, point guard for the New York Knicks, became an overnight sensation after scoring 25 points and leading the Knicks to victory against the New Jersey Nets on February 4.

Only hours after Lin’s astonishing performance, a top military panel – known as the People’s Liberation Army General Assembly Guarding against Americanism, or PLA-GAGA – met in a secret bunker outside Beijing.

Six hours later, a confidential memo was issued, asserting Lin was now ancient Chinese property. Within days, a team of experts had compiled the appropriate response: a well-worded editorial, published on Xinhua, offering Lin the Holy Grail of Chinese citizenship.

“We’re not the Americans. We don’t shoot first and ask questions later,” a source revealed. “We ask questions – then start shooting.”

Beijing suspects the star player is being held at an undisclosed Las Vegas location. A source told China Daily Show that Lin is under constant guard by US agents disguised as cheerleaders.

Yesterday morning, a special session of the United Nations Security Council saw Chinese and US delegates lock horns over exploration rights to Lin, with the Chinese representative at one point removing his slip-on loafer and banging it on the table, screaming, “We will bury you!”

Meanwhile, the British – completely in the dark as to who Jeremy Lin was, and why he mattered – are being urgently briefed on the matter.

Today, the unsightly turf war threatens to go public, as each side offer their own version of events.

Taiwan’s government has waded into the debate, claiming the breakout star belongs to Taipei. “He’s the child of Taiwanese immigrants. A pure-blooded son of our glorious island,” diplomat Ch’en Ch’ing-Chiew told reporters. “We have plans to name a food street after him. It’s a done deal.”

The US State Department responded with its own soft power in the form of an attractive Times Square advert, lushly directed by Tom Hanks.

“Why, hush my mouth… ol’ Jeremy’s as American as apple pie,” actress Kathy Bates coos over alternating scenes of a shirtless Lin draped with an American flag and footage of steaming, fresh-baked pies at a small-town Fourth of July parade. “If some no-good railroad-buildin’ varmints want him, why, they are welcome to come on over ‘n’ try!”

With reports that Lin, a devout Christian, has been in talks with religious organizations aimed at securing citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven, the controversy shows no sign of abating.

Analysts suggest the tough US stance could be in response to the Bush administration’s unpopular decision to cede sovereignty over Jackie Chan to China. The deal was struck in 2007, in exchange for mutual assurances that Chan wouldn’t make another Rush Hour.

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By LAO BAIXING
Community Correspondent

Don’t ask him the fare to Capitol Hill: Biden has heard it all before

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — It was supposed to end with a goodwill banquet.  Instead, politicians gathered outside Beijing’s Great Hall of the People were stunned when US Vice-President Joe Biden arrived at the finale of his China trip driving a taxicab and touting for fares.

Since arriving late last week, Biden and US Ambassador to China Gary Locke have shocked citizens with their down-to-earth behavior.

Acts such as carrying their own bags, cracking hair jokes, promoting ‘noodle diplomacy’ and behaving like regular joes, rather than in the starched-collar domestic style, have thrown Beijing’s politicians into a PR tailspin.

This morning, Biden completed his shocking race-to-the-bottom by donning baseball cap (right) and sunglasses, and taking to the wheel of one of the capital’s famous yellow cabs.

“He’s learnt the basics – ‘Where you going?’ and ‘I’m not driving south of Qianmen this time of night’ and he’s already a dab hand at hurtling past desperate commuters with his light on, while staring dead ahead,” said a senior aide. “He’s taking this whole ‘man of the people’ thing seriously. This is the real Joe. He is – and always has been – a cabbie’s cabbie.”

Indeed, swigging from a flask of tea with his palm jammed permanently on the horn, Biden has never seemed happier.

Naturally, there have been setbacks: a furious row with a pair of US tourists outside the Silk Market over a fare to Wangfujing and an alleged punch-up at a cab rank over the country’s debt ceiling debate. With signs of a scuffle still on his face, though, Biden wasn’t talking.

“Need a taxi?” Biden asked reporters impatiently. “If not, don’t waste my time: I don’t even start getting paid till way after lunch.”

Not to be outdone, however, recently appointed Ambassador Locke declined Biden’s offer of a ride to the embassy. “The bus is just fine,” he told reporters.

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent

The divisive film is being hailed as both "boring" and an "explicit study of repression, religion and Chinese ass"

CANNES (China Daily Show) – It was supposed to be a typically inspiring festival story: a plucky independent spirit versus a humorless, repressive state. But it didn’t quite work out that way, after the producers of new movie Lust, Lhasa: A Monk’s Tail failed to elicit a single complaint from the Chinese government following its Cannes debut.

Lust tells the profoundly uninteresting story of underage Tibetan Phubar Asphukt, a homosexual monk (portrayed by newcomer Xinggan Pigu) who is forced to choose between his passionate infatuation for a corrupt government official (played by an almost-unrecognizable Chow Yun Fat, in heavy make-up and a fat suit) and loyalty to an avuncular, kindly abbot (Fan Bingbing).

Obscure Chinese indie director Wen Quan had hoped to sell-out in the international French Riviera festival, where such upsets are common fodder for media controversy. Making any film about Tibet is a publicity tactic, historically almost guaranteed to bestow failed directors with fame, fortune and Norwegian political asylum.

Even 2005’s state-sanctioned Peaceful Liberation by Government, directed by the rabidly on-message Lu Chang, still managed to upset government censors by depicting Chinese troops as carrying rifles, rather than flowers and gifts, upon their arrival in 1951.

By contrast, Lust, which producers had hoped to promote as “Brokeback Mountain meets the Dalai Lama” hasn’t aroused Chinese censors, despite strong language and scenes of a strong sexual nature.

“Frankly, it was  boring,” recalled Jiang Jun of the State Administration of Radio Film and Television, who attended the screening. “I’ve seen it all before. The storyline was one of those loose, unstructured,experiences that puts people to sleep, rather than incites them. I don’t think anybody’s going to understand it. I got it and I still didn’t like it.”

By contrast, a critic from Fores, a US golfing magazine with an anti-communist slant, labeled the film “bold and brave… an eye-opening experience.” But without being officially banned in China, distributors see little hope for the film.

In an ironic turn of events, however the filmmakers have been approached by the Chinese Ministry of Tourism, who hope to buy Lust and repackage it as a promotional film about Tibet. “All we would have to do is remove the sound and shorten it from 2 hours and 40 minutes to about 90 seconds,” Wen sighed. “I’m thinking about it.”

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By TOU XIANG
Defense Correspondent

The carrier's launch is now eagerly awaited by millions of dissatisfied women across China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — When student and amateur military enthusiast Fu Xian, 19, went to bed last week, he gave his penis the usual rigorous inspection.

“It was as short and stubby as it always is,” Fu recalled.  The next morning, however, Fu’s ruler showed the appendage had miraculously grown by 1-2 centimeters.

The cause? Fu believes that the extension must be due to his intense browsing of domestic news stories concerning China’s first aircraft carrier, rumored to be called the Shi Lang, after the 17th century admiral who conquered Taiwan.

The news has been greeted with joys by millions of  stunted males. Downloads of a new zip folder, containing thousands of pictures of US carriers, Photoshopped with Chinese markings, alongside news snippets about the vessel, have stretched servers to capacities not seen since an infamous 2010 Japanese porn blockade.

Photos of the rusting hulk of the decommissioned Ukrainian vessel, previously known as the Varyag and now painted a dashing gray, might seem unimpressive to most. Indeed, the ageing carrier was originally destined for Macao, until the government decided that a floating Cold War-era casino would make the ideal addition to the People Liberation Army Navy’s arsenal.

Urologists in penis-growth research are already hailing the news as the “breakthrough we’ve been sitting, waiting for,” in the words Dr Ling Da, editor-in-chief of Yin magazine, a monthly journal of organ research.

In a joyful coincidence, Ling remarked, the length of average growth –1.7cm — happens to coincide with an auspicious date: the birthday of the Chinese Communist Party. “That scientifically proves it,” Ling added excitedly.

In a series of randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials, scientists with measuring tapes crouched close by the groins of over 1,000 test subjects reported “remarkable reactions” after subjects viewed a military montage that included footage from the 2010 60^th anniversary Tiananmen Square parade.

Images of President Hu Jintao, standing stock-still in the middle of a moving limousine, produced “mixed results.”

Now scientists are hoping China’s increasing military expansion will provide relief and hope to hundreds of thousands of potential “micropenis” sufferers in the People’s Republic, as well as their allies.

New vehicles include the recently unveiled stealth fighter, known as the J-20. The new jet plane utilizes state-of-the-art 1980s technology and has thus far proved so stealthy that test flights have only appeared in 25 national newspaper and less than a hundred online military forums.

Experts warned that the effects of new military hardware are not always positive, however.  Shots of the J-20, released earlier this year, reportedly caused a nationwide epidemic of premature ejaculation.

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