By BO YANQIU
Culture Correspondent

Ai Weiwei recently taunted authorities and art critics by posting a spoof music video on YouTube

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Reclusive artist Ai Weiwei has permitted a small team of 46 foreign journalists to interview him, alongside everyone else.

“The other day, I thought: ‘I am going to have breakfast. And what’s so wrong with that? Why shouldn’t the New Yorker do a piece about it?’” the controversial artist mused to several correspondents, while pondering the 88-yuan lunch menu at Helen’s.

“Damned if I’m going to deny the world the details of my morning meal – it was congee, with orange juice,” Ai non-exclusively revealed.

Ai’s breakfast later became one of the New Yorker’s most popular China stories.

The bold meal choice was originally leaked to all 472 Beijing-based foreign reporters via a mass ‘tweet.’

This information was available only to those with a Twitter account, however – which is blocked on the mainland. China’s remaining 600 million web users remain locked in a dark vortex of Ai misinformation and ignorance, experts say.

Mainland opinion polls show that many Chinese believe South Korea is a country and that ‘Mao Zedong’ was just the wrong guy in the right place.

One elderly crone interviewed by China Daily Show had never actually heard of Korean pop single ‘Gangnam Style’ – even more depressingly, she was unable to grasp the potentially-subversive nature of Ai’s cover version, despite the fact that it was released months after the original.

“Please, leave me alone. Where am I?” 62-year-old Am Ding queried, her eyes darting nervously.

Meanwhile, for Chinese citizens craving further knowledge on Ai Weiwei, there is now little option but to read a foreign newspaper.

Follow exclusive China reportage with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Vice-President Xi Jinping, pictured hailing a cab to the nearest Internet cafe

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping has been rushed to a hotpot restaurant, after being found just barely alive following a five-day gaming bender.

The man tipped to become the second most powerful in the world in October had not been seen in public since sitting down last Wednesday to “type a few emails.”

After opening up several tabs and clicking on links, a distracted Xi was soon embroiled in a protracted flame war with an anonymous Japanese forum user who was clearly in the wrong.

That would have been that, say aides, had Xi not then become obsessed with the idea of playing epic role -playing game Skyrim to 100 percent completion before the start of the 18th Party Congress in mid-October.

“Just a few more hours,” Xi allegedly promised aides, before passing out in an internet café while attempting to return the Thieves’ Guild to its former glory, after a 96-hour online session fueled only by ice tea and noodle flavoring sachets.

Witnesses say it was several hours before staff realized the vice-president was comatose.

The incident recalls the glory days of Mao Zedong, when the Great Helmsman would often disappear for months on end, indulging his passion for sleeping, nut-scratching and young PLA dancing troupes.

But it reflects a growing problem in China: internet addiction.

What – man can’t get some Skyrim without the media all up in his grill?

China has established so-called ‘addiction boot camps’ to treat children with an over-dependence on activities such as Happy Farm, but it is thought that Xi begged not to be sent to one, for fear of being teased or beaten to death.

Officials, quick to reassure the public that it was business as usual, have decided to ignore the matter.

“Some people might think it was weird – or even messed-up – that the guy about to be in charge of the world’s screwiest economy went practically AWOL for nearly a week,” said one senior adviser. “But we know that it doesn’t really make the slightest difference.”

Xi is expected to return to work and carry on as if nothing had happened this Friday.

Be sure to follow all your 18th Party Congress news with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Exclusive interview: The man who controls the “Chinternet”

By China Daily Show correspondents

China was one of the first countries to realize Internet Explorer was crap

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – For years, China’s efforts at Internet censorship and control have met with a sour face from both the international community and many Chinese themselves.

Recently, with political scandals and wide-ranging  efforts to censor what Beijing deems as “objectionable” material, the topic of web control has once again come into the limelight.

However, for many outsiders there is still a lack of understanding about the thinking and rationale of the authorities in charge of censorship in China.

In order to better understand the reasons for the country’s tight Internet controls, China Daily Show was granted an exclusive interview with the man who controls China’s Internet: Wang Wangwang.

What follows is Part One of this special interview, conducted at a unnamed cafe in Beijing, which has one hell of a latte.

China Daily Show: Thank you for agreeing to sit down with us, Mr Wang.

Wang Wangwang: Ya, ya, ya.

[Odd moment of silence]

CDS: Who is this? [gestures at the small, well-dressed monkey sitting to the right of Wang]

Wang: Him? That’s Rascals.

CDS: Well. OK then… Shall we begin the interview?

Wang: [Clears throat, coughs]

CDS: Er…  oh, right… [CDS reporter slides briefcase under table]

Wang: [Opens suitcase, counts for several minutes, nods]

CDS: How’s your throat feeling?

Wang: Much better. Let us begin your questions now.

CDS: We’ll start with the basics. China blocks many foreign websites – why is the Chinese government so paranoid about controlling information?

Wang: Blocked websites? What are you talking about?

CDS: Twitter, YouTube, Facebook…

Wang: Do you use Facebook? Do you have a Twitter account? How often do you… “tweet”?

CDS: Quite regularly, actually. But we use a VPN…

Wang: Oh! So why do you say they are blocked?

CDS: I think you’re missing the point…

Wang: Boom! Got ya.

CDS: You got me?

Wang: [sips from latte] Ya, I got ya.  Any more questions? [rising]

CDS: Quite a few, actually.

Wang: Oh, OK. [Sits]

CDS: Let’s change the subject and talk about Weibo [China's Twitter-like microblogging service]. Many observers both in and outside China are critical of your efforts to have real-name registration for using Weibo, because they say it will restrict freedom of expression in China.

Wang: [Quietly, sipping coffee] That’s bullshit.

CDS: Sorry?

WanLike many of China’s Internet censors, Wang Wangwang (pictured) is definitely always smoking something

Wang: It’s nothing to with that. All citizens in China enjoy freedom of speech under the Constitution, actually.

But when I sat down with other members of the Politburo last year, we were primarily concerned with staying in touch with the concerns and thoughts of members of the younger generations.

Obviously, children and young adults are very tech-savvy. They use technology that many more senior Chinese don’t understand. Example: President Hu has never learned how to text; all messages to his wife are typed in by an intern. When Wen Jiabao first used Hotmail, he thought you needed to shout the email into a bullhorn.

CDS: Really?

Wang: Not really. The purpose of name registration is to simply connect better, to broaden communication between leaders and citizens. For instance, my name is Wang Wangwang. Your name is [redacted]. But how could one possibly communicate with someone who calls themselves “little grass mud horse,” “niubi888” or “ai weiwei”? This is a form of disguise that limits true interaction.

CDS: Fair enough. Now let’s discuss a recent incident on the Internet that received widespread media attention some time ago. Many users found themselves utterly unable to access overseas websites and this outage lasted for a period of around two hours. Some people say this was a test for some of “kill switch” for the Chinternet. Is this true?

Wang: Is what true?

CDS: Well, firstly: do you have a kill switch?

Wang: This is not true at all. I can say with utmost truth that we emphatically do not have a “kill switch.” We have an “Internet on/off switch.”

CDS: Fascinating. And has this “Internet on/off switch” ever been used?

Wang: Yes.

CDS: When has this switch been used?

Wang: (shrugs) Couple times.

CDS: And why… I mean, how is the decision made about when to take this drastic action?

Wang: That’s beyond my job. We don’t decide.

CDS: Then who decides? I mean…

Wang: He does.[Points at monkey]

 CDS: Rascals?

Introducing China’s web 2.0 Monkey King, Rascals. Loves: bananas. Hates: Western media

Wang: Yes…

CDS: The monkey decides?

Wang: Trained monkey.

CDS: With respect, that is – alright, I can tell you’re joking again...

Wang: This is no joking. This idea was my brainchild. Totally genius idea, really. It came to me during that whole… difficulty with Google a couple years back. You know, all the censorship stuff. We took a lot of criticism about blocking this, blocking that. We thought, why take all this heat? Monkey can take heat instead. That way we have complete deniability! It was beautiful – that’s partly how I got this job. Thanks to Rascals.

CDS: So you’re telling me that a trained monkey called Rascals was responsible for a complete, inexplicable foreign Internet outage in China two weeks ago?

Wang: Ya! It makes a kind of sense now, actually, doesn’t it?

 CDS: In a weird kind of way… yes. Yes, it does.

Wang: He’s only suppose to flick the switch when he gets a signal but sometime… he just does it anyway. Don’t you, Rascals? [Rascals chatters madly] You see? Complete deniability.

Follow the full China story at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

Bo Guagua: apart from the occasional gaffe, said to be a lonely, sensitive man

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has moved to erase the Internet, after the son of disgraced official Bo Xilai reversed his red Ferrari over a 16-year old migrant worker during a special live edition of hit dating show If You Are The One.

Bo Guagua’s appearance was originally scheduled to be a low-key affair, with Bo bicycling into the studio whistling an upbeat revolutionary tune and carrying a posy.

But a bizarre series of mishaps, multiple rewrites and production purges led to Bo instead being winched via crane into the open-air studio in a specially commissioned red-and-yellow Ferrari.

“Everything that could go wrong did go wrong,” said a witness. “The chain started to break, Bo panicked and started the engine, the car was in reverse gear, the worker wandered on set at precisely the wrong moment… un-fucking-believable.”

The ‘perfect storm’ of online outrage immediately which ensued, termed ‘Memeageddon’ by digital experts, sent China’s rumour-hungry blogosphere into meltdown, forcing the government to wipe the entire Internet in an attempt to conceal the scandal and calm the situation.

After receiving the go-ahead from the Politburo, the PLA’s Internet division has executed Order 66, a reserve strategy designed to neutralize any domestic scandal of a magnitude capable of destroying the Party in a single devastating stroke.

The Order has only been used once before, in 1996, when a webcam in Jiang Zemin’s bedroom accidentally broadcast the elderly leader in his underwear, dining on the corpse of a young virgin.

UPDATE: [Editor’s note: Without Internet, we are forced to rely on traditional newsgathering forms, rarely practiced today. As a consequence, much of the information is sourced from ‘conversations’ and ‘interviews,’ unverifiable by Wikipedia]

It has emerged that Bo’s appearance was part of a special edition of the popular dating show If You Are The One, approved months previously by China’s Ministry of Culture – or MiniCull, as it is popularly known – at the urging of Bo’s publicity-hungry father, Bo Xilai.

The show’s exact content may never be known, however, due to the complete eradication of all records. However, the migrant worker has been identified as Li Huiling, a young Chengdu girl in search of a wealthy husband to help pay for kidney treatment, after being poisoned by a frozen dumpling at the backstage buffet.

FURTHER UPDATE: More news on Order 66, the executive directive to erase the Internet, points to an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) detonated in the Earth’s upper atmosphere, designed to instantly knock out all digital communications and erase the entire Internet, along with all records of the incident. Reports from Chongqing indicate the entire If You Are The One studio was also taken out in a tactical missile strike.

However, during the 18-minute window between the incident occurring and the wiping of the Internet, the episode, which aired simultaneously on several hundred video-exchange sites, was re-tweeted 8.2 billion times, effectively reaching every computer user on the planet at least once.

More alarmingly, the simultaneous re-tweeting reached critical mass seven minutes in, creating an electronic signal several times more powerful than the world’s highest-grade radio telescope, beaming the footage onto every mobile telecommunications device on Earth, as well as deep into the far reaches of space.

Experts are divided on the implications for China.

“It’s very hard for the Party to come back from something like this,” said analyst Russell Simes. “The image of a princeling’s sport car crushing an innocent girl to death on live television is very powerful. You’d need at least a good, clear, fresh upskirt of Angelina Jolie to shift that from your mind.

“Unfortunately, such images are illegal in China.”

Follow this story at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Got a tip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

by XIAO NIAO
Rumor Correspondent

This undated picture clearly shows some vehicles on an Asian street, possibly China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A water-cooler debate quickly led to widespread muttering, joking and microblogging in Beijing Tuesday morning, as a result of something happening in either a school, a junction or possibly a section of the subway, according to various online sources.

Within minutes of the scandal, crisis or Groupon promotion breaking, groups of teenagers, and possibly old people, took to their computers, to variously protest or support either the university admissions system, poor-quality scriptwriting on children’s entertainment channel Kaku or a possible military coup in Beijing.

City officials, the police and international observers have all vowed to restore calm, once they can agree on what is actually going on.

But despite the Ministry of Agriculture moving quickly to issue an official statement on grain production, the rumors have continued to circulate.

According to a source in the Chinese Politburo, maintenance staff are working round the clock in Zhongnanhai to fix their fax machine. The Diaoyutai State Guesthouse was also continuing to accept reservations.

Meanwhile, people across the nation continued to take to streets like Chang’an Avenue to visit museums, buy groceries and perform useful services in exchange for money.

“I’m absolutely outraged,” said single mother Han Wei, 32. “I can’t believe the government or private individuals are perhaps doing this to our nation’s children or adults. Either the authorities or grassroots organizations, or both, need to do something about whatever this is – or isn’t.”

Her feelings were echoed by 19-year-old transgender prostitute Kitty Wu. “This is an issue that unites us all, whatever it is!” she yelled at reporters.

Last night, in what many are interpreting as “unusual activity” in the news media, state network CCTV broadcast a three-hour news report on a Hubei corn farmer’s heroic battle against Dutch elm disease.

Many are now speculating on whether this should be interpreted as a coded message and, if so, what it means, and who sent it to whom, how, why, Hu and Wen.

Got unsubstantiated gossip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

Follow the rumors at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By SAICHE SHOU
Education Correspondent

Han Han poses in uniform for 'Attitude' magazine

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) — Naughty schoolboy Han Han may be in trouble again, after challenging a neighborhood bully to a race – and winning.

The doe-eyed “Diet Coke of dissidents” reportedly got into a spat with classmate “Big” Dao Gu, 12, when the latter stole his lunch money during class recess.

Rather than risk his good looks, Han suggested a soapbox race down a nearby hill to settle their score.

But local police say the pair’s race-off infringed on public space and was a traffic misdemeanor. Thus, even though he won the battle of the karts, Han still stands to lose — to the long arm of the law.

The adorable blogger has been a thorn in the side of authorities at the Song Jiang No. 2 High School ever since graffito in the boys’ changing rooms, accusing one teacher of being “smelly,” was traced to Han’s school locker.

The errant schoolboy has since written quasi-critical articles on the school’s Intranet, questioning its canteen policy, bus schedule and curriculum.

His recent refusal to meet with the visiting headmistress of foreign faith school the United Church of America earned him further rebuke.“She’s just a silly girl,” Han pouted at the time.

Teachers are now exasperated for the youngster’s future.

“If Han doesn’t pass his exams, how will he succeed?” asked one. “There is no way to prosper in life if you fail the Chinese education system. What is he going to do, race cars? Write blogs?”

But it seems cops can’t stay mad at the cherubic Han for long. After confiscating his boxcar and giving him a stern ticking-off, police chief Wen quietly slipped Han a hundred yuan: a kickback for winning the race.

The same can’t be said for Big Dao, who claims Han cheated and he wants a rematch behind the school’s bicycle sheds — an event which could lead to more trouble but also possible corporate sponsorship, experts say.

So far, the Nescafe-sipping Han has avoided detention — but his sulks have earned him an embarrassing public rebuke from his mother.

“I’ll take away his blog privileges if he carries on like this,” Mrs Han warned him via China Daily Show, adding that Han should start showing more filial respect by “ceasing to slouch, sitting up straight and taking his hands out of his pockets.”

“And brush your hair,” she added.

Follow this and other China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

UPDATE: Han Han won plaudits recently for an essay-writing competition in which his winning entry, ‘On Racing,’ demonstrated the breadth of his knowledge and learning: “Having traveled widely throughout the school grounds, I can say with confidence that everything is working well,” he wrote. “We shouldn’t then knock the school, otherwise the whole education system might collapse — even though that system has produced a great deal of embarrassingly low-quality students.”

At the prize-giving ceremony, Han accepted his award from a tearful headmaster,  adding, “The fact I have won this award proves the system actually works, despite what I may have cheekily suggested in the past. Them were just jokes, baby.”

By WEI CHUGUI
Technology Correspondent

Straight men celebrate the website's closure yesterday in Shanghai

BEIJING (China Daily Show) –  It’s the news anxious mothers have been waiting for: a foreign website luring innocent, single men into same-sex relations has finally been blocked on the mainland, ensuring their “little emperors” can finally settle down with the nice girl they introduced them to last New Year.

“My sole reason for living has been taken away from me,” said Hu Jun, 28.  “So I guess I’ll just have to succumb to constant parental nagging, screw that hot 27-year-old from accounts who keeps giving me looks, then marry her.”

For years, campaigners have pointed to Dutch website Heavenly Mandate as the chief reason for the country’s soaring homosexual statistics.

Homosexuality was effectively decriminalized in China in 1997 with the abolition of an archaic law that branded it as a form of “hooliganism.” However,  it wasn’t until 2001 that the Chinese Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its list of mental diseases. Official estimates currently put the number of homosexuals in China at around 30 million, though this is considered by many a conservative guess.

“Nothing else explains it,” said pollster Liu Bao. “Ever since we began compiling numbers in 2004, the amount of men admitting to having sexual relations with other men has risen. And this website came out at roughly the same time.”

Lin says that Heavenly Mandate’s own statistics – which it uses to support the case that it’s providing a legal service for consenting adults – literally don’t add up.

“Heavenly Mandate only supplies figures for users who say they are gay. But it doesn’t give any data for heterosexual clicks. So it’s completely skewed. Furthermore, the website doesn’t offer heterosexual male users any alternatives for dating except with other men. So straight visitors have no choice but to sleep with them. It’s shameless.”

Lin says that the site has seduced many unwary males into unwitting same-sex practices. One traumatized user said he had no idea that fellatio, rimming and ‘tea-bagging’ weren’t normal, red-blooded activities until Chengdu police caught him in a five-man conga at a bathhouse.

“He told police that he’d never had time for a wife, so went looking on the Internet. His search brought him to this website, and then various hotel rooms across Sichuan,” said Lin. “This tragedy would never have happened were it not for this site.” A spokesman for Heavenly Mandate refused to comment.

A Confucian tradition of filial piety in China means children are primarily expected to look after their parents in old age and provide offspring. Many parents cannot understand why their children haven’t married and produced heirs by the time they’ve reached puberty, experts say.

Government officials say the website has been interfering with that process, which has seen huge numbers of bachelors unable to find wives in a materialistic society highly critical of individual choice.

White-collar worker Huang, 25, says he stumbled across Heavenly Mandate while searching for Yellow Emperor, a classic 1978 Hong Kong film. “It’s not a gay film, although it does contain lesbian scenes,” Huang admitted.

Nevertheless, when a horny Huang signed up for a Mandate account, he found himself bombarded with messages from other Chinese men – many seemingly in the same predicament.

“A lot of them said they were also straight; some even said they were married.  But when we met up for tea at their place, they fucked me instead,” Huang recalled. “This kept happening. No matter how many times I went back.”

Follow this and other top China stories at @chinadailyshow on Twitter.

Panguso’s first image search result for incurable cancer (above)

By HEXIE XING SOU SOU
Harmony Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese officials moved this week to end decades of human-rights abuse, by launching a new search engine – one that purports to finally show the  “Real China.”

Within days, the government-sponsored search engine has already become the country’s leading search engine, the government says.

The site – named Panguso, just “because” say officials –offers reassurance to Chinese netizens,  many sick of Western search results that either offer a negative image of the motherland, or – as is often the case with Google – no results at all.

Top stories on Panguso include headlines such as  “Exhausted officials working too hard, experts fear” and “There is nothing to see here, all is well.” 

According to the site’s regular updates, China’s people are happy and successful but the government is still working hard to further improve the already-glorious situation.

With control over only television, newspapers, radio, Internet and education system,China’s ruling Communist Party badly needs a new medium to get its message across.

The fresh portal is providing netizens with local insights into the world of current events.

Xinhua editor Li Congjun praised its efficiency: A quick search for ‘China’ and ‘politics’ on the new search engine immediately yields one result, he explained.

“Panguso rapidly searches and checks all news items, parses them for irrelevant information and immediately returns the best result,” Li told a throng of selected journalists. “No more having to read conflicting news reports or coping with confusing volumes of information… just one clear, simple result.”

He added that Panguso provides interactive features that other engines lack.

“Through Panguso, the public can interact with the government,” said Li. “Those who look for certain terms will be rewarded with a form to fill out, with name, contact details and worst fear. Further searches will be rewarded with a personal visit.”

With the launch of Panguso, historical injustices are also being put right.

Most Western historians, for example, have conservatively estimated that around 20 to 43 million people died between the famine years of 1959 to 1961, entirely due to the government’s misguided agricultural policies. But Panguso results show that the real number has been wildly exaggerated and it is actually more like seven people.

Even more-modern, political myths are being debunked, says Li.

For example, typing in “Tiananmen’ and “Tank Man’ links directly to a page revealing that all that happened a long time ago and no-one really cares anymore. 

“Panguso shows us news evidently blocked by firms like Google!” declared regular Panguso user, and middle-school teacher, Xin Mashan. “I had no idea that, only two weeks ago, the Communist Party saved all of us from a giant Cloverfield-style incident, probably engineered by Japan.”

Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

UPDATE: 19/02/13 – Panguso has been renamed ‘Jike,’ in a bold rebranding push that happened almost two years ago, sources say. Struggling to recall the rationale behind the new logo, Jike marketing executive Bei Sha said that the name is “instinctive and powerful… When you look at the search results, your first reaction is,‘Jikes!’” 

Higgs's attempts at photography (here, at the Forbidden City) displayed the total lack of talent that is his forte.

By HUI JIA
Foreign Correspondent

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – A foreign traveler who arrived in Shanghai two years ago, hoping to discover his untapped potential, spoke yesterday of his pain at coming to terms with the brutal realization that he was almost entirely without talent.

“As it happens, just going to a country which is in the limelight doesn’t make you special,” William “Bill” Higgs told China Daily Show. “Turns out, I’m actually kind of a waste of space.”

Higgs reluctantly concluded he possessed absolutely no potential whatsoever at approximately 8:30 on Saturday morning, after a set of shelves erected only minutes before collapsed, smashing an entire collection of jade  Zodiac animals he had spent months sourcing from various antique markets in Yunnan Province.

But Higgs admitted the realization itself came after a string of failed endeavors.

“Bill first moved to Guangxi Province to work as an ESL teacher and, while the profession does play host to some very interesting and professional teachers, Bill was not one of them,” Yangshuo English Corner deputy principal Michael Watson recalled with a sympathetic smile.

“He didn’t know what he was doing and just sort of read textbooks aloud. Didn’t really matter though; parents don’t know the difference,” Watson added.

Higgs said he spent many days dreamily cycling and hiking through Guangxi’s beautiful karst landscape.

Despite bringing a notebook and set of paints on his travels, however, Higg’s muse yielded nothing more interesting than a series of insipid watercolors and banal written observations on China, that even he admits to being “sophomoric.”

The latter, published in a now-discontinued blog, caught the attention of Beijing Normal University literary expert Mao Mashan, who retweeted Higgs’s unqualified musings on politics and local cuisine on his Weibo account.

The resulting torrent of derisive comments forced Higgs to abandon to any artistic ambitions and instead attempt to go into business.

Higgs then tried his hand at translating, IT work and venture capitalism – but failed to make a single fen.

Many expats suffer “potential shortage,” says Beijing-based life coach Atkins Peiterman.

Maria Sharie, originally from Manhattan, came to China in 2002 already speaking fluent Chinese, but now works as a “freelance marketer and journalist” in Dalian. Yesterday she declined to give China Daily Show details of her recent commissions or published articles.

In fact, Peiterman estimates that around 60 to 70 percent of all expats have absolutely no potential or talent whatsoever.

“People like Mr Higgs often can’t seem to figure out that, despite their ability to pick up and move to another country, they are still just as pointless here as they were back home,” Peiterman noted. “Bill seems to have just twigged this. That’s good. It won’t help him in the slightest but at least he knows that now.”

Higgs, and foreigners like him, face an uncertain future in China– but will likely still remain for a long time. “I’ll probably stick around a few more years,” said Higgs. “Just to be sure.”

Tylenol contributed to this story

Follow this and other breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By ZOU MIAO
Fashion & Style correspondent

Deng’s workout group sit eating for 10 hours before a mine collapse kills three

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – “A police officer chased me half way around the city and then beat me mercilessly,” says Mia Xin. “I’m down 20 pounds!”

So run adverts popping up all over popular microblogging websites such as Weibo in recent weeks, sparking a new feeding fad: the Migrant Worker Diet.

Mia is one of millions of young Chinese particpating in the new diet-and-exercise regimen that is taking China’s urban centers by storm.

The thousands of illegal coalmines outside of Beijing are packed to the brim with tracksuits.

“They say inspectors are going to come in with baseball bats and shut this coal mine down, maybe maim a few people,” said Deng Liubao, a lumber exporter from Kaixian county, Chongqing municipality. “I’ll need to find a new gym.”

Under the extensive rules of the regime, practitioners can only spend 10 yuan a day on box meals, are forced to kneel for pay cheques and must  hitchhike to another city at weekends or whenever they see an authority figure. Practitioners are all but forbidden from enjoying any kind of sex life.

Deng intends to hitchhike to Yiwu, Zhejiang Province to crack bricks on a building site and will continue doing so until he can fit back into his high-school jeans.

The diet is the latest brainchild of mung-bean farmer and dietitian Professor Jin Xiaoxin, who is said to have come up with the revolutionary regimen after closely observing migrant workers naked.

“With my diet, anyone can have a physique rippling with pure muscle,” said Jin. “Minus the vacant, soul-crushing stare, of course.”

Migrant workers are said to comprise 1 in 4 residents of first-tier cities such as Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing. Many may consider this 200 million-strong army of labor a poorly treated, highly disposal workforce that is often sidelined for political and economic expediency – for others though, they may be the perfect way to fit into that wedding dress at the last minute.

Even foreigners are getting into the mix. Jennifer Pepper from Des Moines, Iowa and a teacher in Shanghai, says that she lost over 12 pounds in one week after she started moonlighting at a building site.

“I can’t really leave the city. So, I’ll have to turn to other, more domestic options here in Shanghai,” she said, stripped to the waist and soaked in sweat and brick dust on a Pudong construction site. She added that after the Spring Festival, dietary options often dry up in the city. “But there is a hairdresser on my way home from school that should do until I find another building project.”

Professor Jin’s diet is also an appealing change to the office grind familiar to China’s legions of urban white-collar workers. When news of his next fashionable food habit leaked onto the Internet – dubbed the “Dissident Diet” – the Jin Company’s servers crashed under the demand.

But Professor Jin is keeping the Dissident Diet close to his chest. When asked by China Daily Show, all he would reveal is that hopeful dieters should stock up on jump suits.

Tylenol  contributed to this story

Follow this and other top China stories at @chinadailyshow on Twitter