By XI MEI
Western Media Correspondent

The sight that greeted NYT staff Thursday

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – It was a day of mourning at the China offices of the New York Times today, after its ace reporter Chase Ketterman was discovered buried alive beneath a gigantic mound of paperwork.

The paper’s redoubtable 47-year-old Pulitzer Prize-winning Shanghai bureau chief had reportedly been spending long hours at night, tracking down information pertaining to possible tax loopholes enjoyed by the family members of Premier Li Keqiang.

However, it seems Ketterman’s obsessional pursuit of documentary evidence proving possible financial chicanery by Chinese leaders had grown out of control, even by Times standards.

The fatal stack of papers is said to have included tax records, spooling faxes, share certificates, old news clippings, public documents, probate letters, bus tickets, business cards, taxi receipts, restaurant fapiao, jotted notes on paper napkins, random doodles, school textbooks, a hardback edition of The Complete Speeches of Zhu Rongji (Volume 6: 1982-87), several copies of the last will and testament of Jiang Zemin, and a stack of empty pizza boxes.

There is no question of any fiscal impropriety involving Premier Li, the Times admitted.

“We didn’t want to give false hope to the family by saying that he was found buried alive,” Sanlitun police chief Zhao Bing later explained at a press conference. “But technically, Ketterman was buried alive,’ inasmuch as he was dead when we later found him.”

A crusader for the truth, NYT assistant Mai Huang has some important news she must tell Ketterman’s wife

Forensic tests suggest that Ketterman’s dogged pursuit of the mile-long paper trail became a one-way ticket to tragedy at around 11pm Monday, when the veteran journalist reached for a folder of redacted tax returns from underneath a squashed carton of stale baozi, and triggered an avalanche of accounting.

“When I came into the office, Chase was up to his eyeballs in incriminating clerical documents and had asphyxiated on half a steamed bun,” sobbed impressionable 22-year-old news assistant Mai Huang (pictured, left) who found the body.

“Do you think I should tell his wife about us now?”

His family has announced that they intend to respect Ketterman’s wishes by not disturbing his papery grave.

“At the moment, we’re simply going to leave him there, as per his will’s precise instructions in case of emergency,” a family spokesman said. “It’s how he would’ve wanted to go.”

Meanwhile, the Smithsonian Institute in the US has already expressed an interest in purchasing the mausoleum.

The museum issued a statement saying that the Shanghai-based tomb was a “historical landmark of journalism,” remarking that, “there can be no greater legacy for any Times reporter… than to have his final resting place marked by a vast heap of dry reading material.”

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The Smithsonian has eagerly released plans for the proposed Ketterman mausoleum

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress

Today I came home from a very difficult afternoon: I had to fetch the children from school myself, because a large bookshelf had fallen on top of our “ayi” (nanny) and apparently trapped her there, so she couldn’t pick up the kids. This completely disrupted my Monday routine, which is normally to have coffee with a friend, then hit the shops. With traffic worse than usual, I decided to abandon my  shoe-shopping for the day and head home early – where, instead of a large bookshelf, I found my useless husband, Geoff, on top of the ayi. I’m now standing outside the door, watching them, wondering what to do. Any suggestions?

In Shunyi, still shoeless!

Sorry, I was miles away… thinking about Hu’s legs

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

I’ve been listening again to the innovative 64-page work report delivered by President Hu (available now as an audio book, read by Zhao Benshan. Friends and family can guess what they’ll be getting this Spring Festival, instead of boring old money!).

Engrossed in the speech, my Party spirit started to soar. My tender heart began fluttering so fast at Hu’s words of rich hope that it sent a deafening rush of blood to my ears… I think I may even have passed out for a few hours.

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

As a poorly-paid taxi driver in Beijing, my job is difficult enough normally but this week and last, it has been positively horrendous. For that, I can thank you and your colleagues. Now I have to keep all the windows closed, even if I’m smoking, check for suspicious passenger activity, monitor for pamphlets or “revolutionary ping-pong balls,” avoid certain routes like a Japanese tourist, fill out passenger itineraries and generally act like I’m a cabbie in North Korea. Any chance of getting a small pay bump for all the multiple inconveniences?

Shirtless Shifu

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

Ten more years! Ten more years! Sorry, what was that? Hard to hear anything over my incessant chanting of ‘Ten more years!’

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

With the holiday season fast approaching, my question is: what is the best gift to give someone like, say, a junior environment inspector, who needs to look the other way while you dump something like, perhaps, cadmium, into a place such as, for example, a river that is – for the sake of argument – the sole water supply for a remote village. Would a nice watch suffice?

Puzzled in Pingguo

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National People’s Congress says:

As one of the few female members of the Communist Party at a parliamentary level in China, I’m often asked, “What do you think about the Party’s attitude to women?” To which I reply, how would I know? I’m only a woman, who’s a Party member at the central level, at the National Party Congress! Yes, I am joking. I mean, think about it: that’s just common sense versus bad reporting. It is tough sometimes, yes: I had to get my nails done for the third time this week, because I was clapping so hard yesterday (I forget what about). But, by the way, all you cynics, it can be just as tough for the chaps – I mean, some of them spend more time on their hair than I do! Oh, wait, hang on. Here comes Wu Bangguo: better touch up the lippie…

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

I’ve been watching the news of your latest Party Congress on CCTV and, despite the comprehensive coverage, am still confused about the role of the Chinese Communist Party in state economic entities. Care to elaborate?

Snarky Sinophile

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

My God, I think Jiang Zemin just looked at me. Look, there, he just did it again! His tired old eyes seem to be positively gleaming. Now he’s speaking to a man in a black uniform and pointing urgently at me. The man’s coming over – I’m so excited. Wow, he wants me to follow him into a private, secure area round the back… and I’m not to tell anyone else. Of course not! I would not even tell my husband such important state secrets. Oh, OK: now I’m to remove all my clothes and step into this warm, steamy bath full of rose petals and traditional Chinese medicinal extracts, then await further instructions. Fantastic! Who says women have it tough in Chinese politics?

Last week: Ask a Chinese Olympic silver medalist
Next week: Ask Alessandro

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By Huo Zhe
Entertainment Correspondent

Jiang was in fine form Monday, even doing his famous Charlie Chan

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Former president Jiang Zemin has ended months of speculation about his health this week by finally appearing in public to announce his comeback tour.

The celebrated owner of a pair of “awesome” spectacles was wheeled out Monday at the CCP’s Xinhai Revolution centenary party, where he upstaged everyone by announcing the release of his longstanding project: an English-language hip-hop album Jiang has been working for the last four years.

J-Z Reprazents: The Blueprints is an attempt to codify Jiang’s sometimes-baffling political ideology, particularly his Three Represents Theory, into a street language that resonates with today’s youth – as well as simply being a “banging rap album,” said The Source magazine’s China editor, Bo “Jangles” Luo.

“The Party regularly promotes a blend of Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaoping Theory, Hu Jintao’s ‘scientific development’ and even Ice-T Thought.  Hell, Hua Guofeng gets more ideological airtime,” Bo observed. “Jiang has long been considered merely a useful idiot and decided to reclaim his rightful place in history the only way he knows how: via hip hop.”

Little is known of the contents of the album, other than a track bootlegged onto Baidu and quickly deleted. But one user who heard the rough cut of album opener “Harmony’s a Bitch” commented that “JZ’s rhymes flow like fermented soy-bean sauce over a sizzling wok of East Coastal city beats.”

For months, speculation has run rife about Jiang’s whereabouts after a Hong Kong broadcaster suggested he had died.

One newspaper even claimed Jiang’s family had sold commercial rights of his image to a domestic fried-chicken firm, who hoped to make Jiang’s trademark cackle as mouth-watering as Colonel Sanders’ smirk.

Now his recent absence from political life can be attributed to Jiang putting the finishing dope touches to The Blueprints in his Macao recording studio.

Due to drop in February 2012, the album has already gone triple-platinum on the mainland, with young Chinese pre-purchasing debut single “Ain’t No Motherfucking Flower Vase” in their millions.

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By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

Jiang last got props for his subtle heckle of Richard Gere at a 2002 UN convention on human rights

NEW YORK (China Daily Show) –A sensational plan to sabotage Ai Weiwei’s latest Manhattan art installation in May has been leaked to the media, after New York police detained an 84-year-old man on suspicion of trespassing yesterday.

According to sources, a plot for a senior Communist Party official to “do a Kanye West” at the launch of Ai’s Circle of Animal Heads/Zodiac Heads at the Pulitzer Fountain early next month was signed off by several key Politburo figures.

Former Premier Jiang Zemin is rumored to have caught wind of it during an afternoon tea session with top officials and immediately volunteered for the task.

Pointing to his ownership of a pair of awesome white aviator sunglasses “ideally suited to the job,” Jiang insisted he should take on the burden , proposing the task be modeled on West’s infamous stage-crash in support of Beyonce at the 2010 Grammy Awards.

Artist and government critic Ai Weiwei was detained by police earlier this month for alleged “economic crimes”  as he went to board a plane at Beijing airport.  The “Kanye-ing” was apparently planned with foreknowledge of Ai’s arrest, as Jiang was concerned that the plan might falter if, during the Kanye, he “got punched.”

Jiang apparently planned to take the stage before delivering his heckle, worded thus:  “Hey, guys… Imma let you finish but I just wanna say, these heads are cool but Henry J. Hardenburgh made one of the best hotels… of all time!” The reference is thought to refer to the Plaza Hotel’s original architect, where the Pulitzer Fountain – and new sculpture installation – is located.

The New York Police Department (NYPD) released a brief statement regarding the unnamed 84-year-old ’s arrest this morning.

“A citizen of the People’s Republic of China, who cannot be named for diplomatic reasons, was taken into custody today on suspicion of conspiracy to cause a public nuisance. The aforementioned gentleman informed us that his detention was likely to cause him to miss a planned rendezvous at Shaquille O’Neill’s beach-front home in Los Angeles. When NYPD was able to confirm these statements, we released the gentleman without charge,” the statement said.

A Chinese  Foreign Ministry spokeswoman refused to be drawn on the issue. “Premier Jiang Zemin has been in his home recording studio in Macau, as usual, for the last month,” was the terse official response to questions.

Previous examples of attempts to sabotage entertainment figures deemed “enemies of China” include:

• Foreign Minister Tian Ming submitting a snitty Amazon.com review of Guns n’ Roses’ 2008 album Chinese Democracy that mocked singer Axl Rose’s vocals and production, and made unfavorable comparisons to Nickelback and The Spaghetti Incident
• Embassy official Kan Wei pretending to forget Brad Pitt’s name when they met backstage at the 2009 Academy Awards
• Vice-Minister of Culture Eyou Ebao is said to have been instrumental in persuading Sharon Stone to star in Basic Instinct 2

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By WANG WEI
Political Correspondent

Bo's habit of smiling in public has baffled fellow Politburo members

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – While US President Barack Obama treats his Chinese counterpart Hu Jintao to a lavish four-day state visit, it will be left to Mr Hu’s unambitious Vice-President, Bo Xidan – or “Bungling Bo” as he is better known – to look after the People’s Republic in his absence.

Bo acquired his affectionate nickname after a series of public-relations howlers, which include asking a bewildered Rajiv Gandhi if Tibet was “still part of India,” and remains  one of China’s best-loved political figures, despite – or perhaps because of – his gaffe-prone public persona.

His most notorious slip-ups include encouraging a hospitalized self-immolation victim to “get up and walk,” challenging then-President Vladimir Putin of Russia to a kung fu contest and spilling an entire bowl of steaming-hot noodles into Japanese Foreign Minister Ngo Kamagochi’s lap during a state banquet.

It was this final act that sealed Bo’s  place in the nation’s hearts and made him politically invulnerable.

Bo’s rise to power was prompted by a close relationship with Deng Xiaoping’s son, Deng Pufang, who took sympathy with Bo after the latter suffered repeated bullying from other cadres’ sons.

This led him into President Jiang Zhemin’s sphere of influence, who found Bo’s pratfalls, slips-of-the-tongue and pinpoint slapstick timing the ideal antidote to the Politburo’s dour back-room image.

Bo’s meteoric rise to power reached its peak with his appointment to the Vice-Presidency in 2002, in charge of Public Affairs. This powerful political post put the good-natured buffoon in complete charge of a wide-ranging domestic brief, including much-needed reform of China’s outdated national hukou (household registration) system, overhauling its aging health service and investigating official corruption.

After his expected retirement in 2012, “China’s Mr Bean” is set to join fellow Vice-President Joe Biden and former UK Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott in a goodwill tour of the Middle East, dubbed “The Three Talents.”

Tickets for the events, billed as the “Prince Philip of tours,” are already said to be exchanging hands for thousands of dollars.

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