Migrant workers are being advised to save money and not return to Changhegong this New Year

By RONG REN
Defense Correspondent

DALIAN (China Daily Show) – Until yesterday, Chanhegong was a quiet fishing village in North-East China near the North Korean border with a population of 160,000, known for its clear sea and mackerel fishing.

As of this morning, however, Chanhegong is now a giant crater in the earth, known for its strong smell of death and two-headed fish, with a half-life of 72 years.

China’s leaders have called for peace, calm and the resumption of talks this afternoon, after an early Chinese New Year fireworks display by the village was apparently mistaken for aggressive military action.

North Korean artillery rained down over 400 uranium-enriched shells on the small town of Chanhegong, Liaoning Province, near the Port of Dandong,  after its townspeople let off firecrackers, Roman candles and sparklers during a New Year temple fair.

Despite reports of the devastating attack on Chinese soil, top officials and PLA officers showed no sign of wishing to retaliate, instead issuing a statement maintaining its “firm opposition” towards nuclear strikes by its troubled neighbour and erstwhile ally.

“We will talk about this with [North Korea leader] Kim Jong-un, as he always listens,” said Foreign Ministry spokesman Li Fu. “Probably sometime after New Year, though.”

Tensions have been raised on the Korean Peninsula since the 2009 sinking of South Korean warship the Cheonan and an exchange of artillery fire over the small island of Yeonpyeong in the Yellow Sea. On both occasions, China, North Korea’s sole chief ally, refused to join in the chorus of international criticism and instead urging a diplomatic solution to resolving the tensions.

But today, world leaders are asking just what North Korea has to do to provoke any kind of response from its seemingly placid neighbour.

Earlier this month, two North Korean diplomats treated senior Chinese PLA officers in Beijing to an impromptu Three Stooges vaudeville routine, slapping their heads, calling them “knuckleheads” and repeatedly tweaking the nose of one general while chanting, “Nuk, nuk, nuk.”

The Stooges are among the Kims’ favorite comedy acts and are considered essential viewing in North Korea.

In December, Kim Jong-un is reported to have commandeered a Chinese border train loaded with birthday presents and driven it around Hebei Province. “He was tooting the horn, laughing and letting off gunshots into the air,” an eyewitness told China Daily Show. “He then kidnapped a dozen peasants as souvenirs.”

Both events were dismissed as “horseplay” by Foreign Ministry officials.

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By QING DING
Ancestors Correspondent

Mid-way through the NPC, Major-General Mao Xinyu suddenly has a great idea for a screenplay

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The grandson of Chairman Mao Zedong has spoken of his dissatisfaction at being the revolutionary Chinese leader’s closest living relative.

In an extraordinarily frank interview, extraordinarily promoted Major-General Mao Xinyu laid bare his soul to the media, saying that the public perception of him as being merely a “jovial intellectual” is only half the story.

“I’m actually very insecure,” he admitted.  “Because of that, I ignored the teachers at schools and my weight ballooned.”

Mao – who lists his interests as “philosophy, calligraphy and the multiple applications of lard” – also complained about the attention his famous grandfather bestowed upon him.

“Public expectations are too high,” Mao said. “I can’t even fall asleep in the National People’s Congress without people noticing and pointing it out.”

He blamed this insecurity on his grandfather’s legacy, which includes a man-made famine that left 40 million dead and numerous political purges throughout the 1950s, 60s and 70s, as well as some good stuff.

“In truth, you never know if people are looking at you and thinking ‘thank you’ – or ‘fuck you,’” Mao chafed. “To some, I represent the founding of a strong China. To others, Grandpa’s the guy that ruined their  life – and sometimes, that of their parents. And, quite possibly, grandparents as well.

“It’s different strokes for different folks.”

As a consequence, Mao claimed, he now has few friends. He fell out with one close pal, fellow socialist founding-father’s grandson Kim Jong-un, after Kim allegedly grew distant and aloof.

“Kim beat me at a couple of pie-eating contests in Switzerland – no biggie. But then, after he took the throne, he simply became impossible,” the warrior-like Mao seethed. “Just rude and downright murderous.”

Some childhood friends, such as the Gaddafis Jr and Uday Hussein, Mao has lost touch with. Others are simply wanted by international crime tribunals.

But Mao reserved his biggest scorn for the grandchildren of the much-loved late Chinese premier, Zhou Enlai.

“Zhou’s grandkids get all the respect that should be my birthright. Everyone thinks Zhou Enlai was wise, decent and upright but the fact is, he murdered a ton of people too.

“It wasn’t all Grandpa’s fault. He was actually right 70 percent of the time. People forget that.”

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‘At least I’m not the grandson of Lin Biao or Hu Yaobang!’ Major-General Mao joked with reporters. Both are now auto-parts assemblers

By Hao Che
Food and Drink Correspondent

Kim finished off the brandy with his signature salute

PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) – A controversial lunch in Pyongyang went off without a hitch, North Korean media reported this weekend.

Over protests from the US, Japan and South Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un successfully polished off a four-course pan-Asian banquet of cheeseburgers, rooster testicles and foie gras in front of an ecstatic crowd of 18,000.

The politically charged luncheon was televised to mark the 100th birthday of the late leader – and current president – Kim Il-sung, founder of the Deeply Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. The meal triggered alarm in the international community, however, with the UN suggesting it was an affront to the country’s poverty-stricken population and Japanese diplomats jeering that Jong-un was incapable of handling his desserts.

After the portly Jong-un finished the high-profile meal with a Campari-based apertif and amuse-bouche flourish, Chinese Preident Hu Jintao dispatched a congratulatory telegram, noting that “the whole of our country’s belly shares your sense of contentment and filling. I knew you could do this.”

Celebrations in the North Korean capital continued until well past 5pm, with the state television channel broadcasting the live KTV session direct from the Ministry of Truthfulness canteen.

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By ZHEN REN
Reality TV correspondent

Specs appeal: Kardashian's 'classic Kim' look is good to go

PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) — The snow has barely settled on Kim Jong-il’s funeral party but the internal jockeying has already begun, as  contestants line up to see who will succeed Kim into the ultimate hot seat: control of all nuclear warheads north of the 38th parallel.

But even as the finishing touches are being applied to the late Dear Leader’s body by a team of highly paid, ex-KGB taxidermists, the chilly halls of Pyongyang’s government ministries have come abuzz with rumors that several Western fame whores are lining up their own leadership bids.

“Kim Jong-un better lay off the Cookie Diet!” declared Calvin Wang, Kim Kardashian’s Asian-Pacific manager this week, as the reality TV star became the latest celebrity Kim to throw her hat in the ring.

“Respected comrade Kardashian has a proven track record of making disastrous high-profile decisions and her car-crash lifestyle speaks for itself,” Wang argued. “If Jong-un thinks he can live up to his father’s lifestyle as preposterously as this Kim can, he’s smoking the ma huang.”

Whoever lands the coveted post of Supreme Leader will have to out-flail even the most absurd antics of the recent US Republican primary nominees, experts warn.

“They’ll need to impress kingmakers like Chang Song-taek, who like their dictators the old-fashioned way: ineffictive at ruling but adept at making grand, crazy gestures,” said analyst Park Chae-dong. “Frontrunner Kim Jong-un, for example, is already planning the world’s most expensive wedding — to Angelina Jolie, who won’t even be attending the ceremony.”

In scenes reminiscent of 2010, Jung-un has also ordered the re-release of Kim Jong-il’s favorite film, Kim Jong-il’s Wasteful American Military Drains Mass Resources in Attempt to Rescue Undecorated Soldier, the director’s smash-hit Saving Private Ryan remake.

“That’s a clear attempt to shore up support, by reminding starving citizens of their late leader’s directorial talents,” Park noted. In retaliation, the South has been blasting “I’m So Ronery” across the DMZ to demoralize border troops.

Kardashian, meanwhile, is believed to be in round-the-clock briefings, explaining the intricacies of the Hermit Kingdom’s socialist planned economy, pre-industrial agriculture and rabid anti-Americanism. Long-time Pyongyang observers, however, fear a 2006 Politico interview — in which Kardashian suggested that “those poor Koreans deserve a real makeover, Palm Springs-style” — will not have endeared her to the isolationist country’s military junta. 

And former husband Kris Humphries – whose 2011 marriage to Kardashian famously lasted just 72 days – has cited their vehement personal clashes over the stalled Six-Party Talks as a major reason for the couple parting ways.

“Kim was extremely concerned about something called ‘nuclear proliferation’,” Humphries has revealed to OK! magazine. “She felt the Middle East situation had diverted attention from the Korean Peninsula. I said we should just stay at the Sheraton then.”

State media shows citizens reacting to Kardashian's announcement

While talks are already in progress to broadcast Kim’s Korea’s Got Talent on K! — the North Korean arm of entertainment channel E! — serious analysts are looking to other foreign contenders.

These include former-1980s foxfur-hat-toting songstress Kim Wilde — a self-confessed longtime adherent of “Juche and Gabbana” — and musician Lil’ Kim, asked how she might run her campaign, rapped “I’d run drive-bys hitting DMX switches/Prove my skeez to those Yonhap-loving bitches.” Insiders suggest it would be better for her chances if, like the country’s current president Kim Song-il, the rapper was deceased.

But Hollywood agents have poured cold water on Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger’s chances. “She’s too old and wrinkly,” said a top agent. “Unlike the cuddly up-and-comer Kim Jung-un, who is either 27, 28 or 29.”

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