By ZHUO MICANG
Legal Correspondent

Chen is the Daddy Cool of Chinese dissidents

LINYI (China Daily Show)  — Rule of law was successfully upheld in China yesterday, after a blind activist fled  illegal detention, while his innocent family was punished with a severe ass-kicking.

Chen Guangcheng is an anti-forced abortion activist who angered authorities in Shandong province by legally representing victims of sterilization.

Jailed for four years for jaywalking, Chen was finally released in September 2010 and immediately offered a 24-hour concierge service by grateful cadres.

Despite the promise of never having to leave home, and visits from Hollywood celebrities including Christian Bale, Chen instead chose to hit the road last Sunday. He is now believed to be safely cowering in an unspecified safe house in Beijing.

Analysts hail the case as a victory for China’s strong tradition of Legalism.

“The Chinese legal system is obviously working,” said a Ministry of Justice spokeswoman. “Chen is now free somewhere.

“The foreign media’s continued interest in this story is a big mystery to the Chinese people, as the case has clearly now been solved.”

Down in Chen’s hometown of Dongshigu, however, there were scenes of angry recrimination among the dolts detailed to keep Chen under lock and key. Questions are now being asked as to how a blind, frail and sick prisoner managed to escape a supposed ring-fence of heavy security without being noticed for several days.

Security officers finally burst into Chen’s quarters Thursday, only to discover two pillows stuffed under a duvet, and several scattered copies of The Fugitive, Thelma & Louise and Catch Me If You Can.

“Ah just don’ get it, boss,” said one puzzled goon. “He was here, like, a week ago. Then this morning, he weren’t. Or was it yesterday?”

Local officials believe they may have figured out a way to smooth over the situation, however: a little-known legal loophole allows police to beat seven shades of shit out of Chen’s wife, father and nephew.

But legal experts warn that, complexly, the same loophole does not also apply to Chen’s  nephew, Kegui.

Chen Kegui is currently also believed to be on the run, after an apparent unprovoked assault on a group of paramilitary police, armed with shock batons, who are said to have stopped by his house for a cup of tea.

Meanwhile, reports that blind lawyer Daredevil entered the US Embassy in Beijing on Friday, brandishing a dossier of information on Bo Xilai, remain unconfirmed.

Last night all was quiet outside the American embassy, save the arrival of a delivery van from Fatburger.

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By ZHUO MICANG
Entertainment Correspondent

A traditional Linyi greeting (Photo: NYT)

LINYI (China Daily Show) — Motown was last night demanding answers after beloved soul legend Stevie Wonder was apparently attacked by government thugs while filming in Shandong province.

Wonder, 61, was in town to shoot a Mike Tyson-style cameo in 21 and Over, a low-budget Hollywood co-production similar to The Hangover that filmmakers describe as  a “hilarious comedy.”

In a break during rehearsals, the Grammy-Award winning artist reportedly went for a stroll in nearby woods, accompanied by his guide dog Ray.

The ambush occurred close to Dongshigu, the tiny village where blind petitioner Cheng Guangchen is being unlawfully detained and which authorities have turned into a no-go zone, where even foreign diplomats and reporters have been turned back, threatened and attacked.

Producers and security guards rushed to the scene, only to find that “nothing had happened.” Friends now fear the blind singing legend may be lost in China’s complex extra-legal system.

“If Stevie is tangled up in China’s still-developing legal bureaucracy, it could take months – even years – to release him,” his agent Robert Norman told China Daily Show. “Or just ten minutes and a simple phone call.”

The Songs in the Key of Life star is currently under house arrest and being denied access to a piano, Norman added.

The film’s producers, Relativity Media, have suggested Wonder’s arrest could help promote human rights values in Linyi, as well as providing much-needed publicity for the film.

Officials, however, deny the filmmakers’ version of events.

“Stevie wandered over to see if Chen was interested in collaborating on a new charity recording, tentatively entitled ‘Ebony and Jade,’” said a Ministry of Culture spokesman. “There was no beating, just some rowdy celebrating.”

The spokesman added there is absolutely no chance of Wonder and Chen being confused with one another.

“One is a visually impaired, popular public figure living in a remote, gated community that’s surrounded by security guards,” said the official. “And the other is Stevie Wonder.”

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