By RONG REN
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping has been rushed to a hotpot restaurant, after being found just barely alive following a five-day gaming bender.
The man tipped to become the second most powerful in the world in October had not been seen in public since sitting down last Wednesday to “type a few emails.”
After opening up several tabs and clicking on links, a distracted Xi was soon embroiled in a protracted flame war with an anonymous Japanese forum user who was clearly in the wrong.
That would have been that, say aides, had Xi not then become obsessed with the idea of playing epic role -playing game Skyrim to 100 percent completion before the start of the 18th Party Congress in mid-October.
“Just a few more hours,” Xi allegedly promised aides, before passing out in an internet café while attempting to return the Thieves’ Guild to its former glory, after a 96-hour online session fueled only by ice tea and noodle flavoring sachets.
Witnesses say it was several hours before staff realized the vice-president was comatose.
The incident recalls the glory days of Mao Zedong, when the Great Helmsman would often disappear for months on end, indulging his passion for sleeping, nut-scratching and young PLA dancing troupes.
But it reflects a growing problem in China: internet addiction.
China has established so-called ‘addiction boot camps’ to treat children with an over-dependence on activities such as Happy Farm, but it is thought that Xi begged not to be sent to one, for fear of being teased or beaten to death.
Officials, quick to reassure the public that it was business as usual, have decided to ignore the matter.
“Some people might think it was weird – or even messed-up – that the guy about to be in charge of the world’s screwiest economy went practically AWOL for nearly a week,” said one senior adviser. “But we know that it doesn’t really make the slightest difference.”
Xi is expected to return to work and carry on as if nothing had happened this Friday.
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By QING DING
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The grandson of Chairman Mao Zedong has spoken of his dissatisfaction at being the revolutionary Chinese leader’s closest living relative.
In an extraordinarily frank interview, extraordinarily promoted Major-General Mao Xinyu laid bare his soul to the media, saying that the public perception of him as being merely a “jovial intellectual” is only half the story.
“I’m actually very insecure,” he admitted. “Because of that, I ignored the teachers at schools and my weight ballooned.”
Mao – who lists his interests as “philosophy, calligraphy and the multiple applications of lard” – also complained about the attention his famous grandfather bestowed upon him.
“Public expectations are too high,” Mao said. “I can’t even fall asleep in the National People’s Congress without people noticing and pointing it out.”
He blamed this insecurity on his grandfather’s legacy, which includes a man-made famine that left 40 million dead and numerous political purges throughout the 1950s, 60s and 70s, as well as some good stuff.
“In truth, you never know if people are looking at you and thinking ‘thank you’ – or ‘fuck you,’” Mao chafed. “To some, I represent the founding of a strong China. To others, Grandpa’s the guy that ruined their life – and sometimes, that of their parents. And, quite possibly, grandparents as well.
“It’s different strokes for different folks.”
As a consequence, Mao claimed, he now has few friends. He fell out with one close pal, fellow socialist founding-father’s grandson Kim Jong-un, after Kim allegedly grew distant and aloof.
“Kim beat me at a couple of pie-eating contests in Switzerland – no biggie. But then, after he took the throne, he simply became impossible,” the warrior-like Mao seethed. “Just rude and downright murderous.”
Some childhood friends, such as the Gaddafis Jr and Uday Hussein, Mao has lost touch with. Others are simply wanted by international crime tribunals.
But Mao reserved his biggest scorn for the grandchildren of the much-loved late Chinese premier, Zhou Enlai.
“Zhou’s grandkids get all the respect that should be my birthright. Everyone thinks Zhou Enlai was wise, decent and upright but the fact is, he murdered a ton of people too.
“It wasn’t all Grandpa’s fault. He was actually right 70 percent of the time. People forget that.”
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by DONG FANGHONG
BEIJING (China Daily Show) –Three new plots have been discovered in the national film archives, China’s Ministry of Culture announced yesterday.
The discovery was described as an “unprecedented leap forward for the Chinese entertainment industry” and brings the total number of acceptable storylines up to seven.
While anecdotes, legends and documented events from China’s lengthy historical annals are plentiful, the Party has struggled to find contemporary plotlines deemed to be of ‘Red Star Criteria’ for its national playlist.
“Many so-called ‘modern plots’ contain the kind of themes contemporary Chinese audiences just aren’t interested in,” snorted film critic Hu Jintao (relation) of the Central Party School’s Education Through Cinema Department.
“Lesbian gangsters, bent cops and debauched politicians” are typical examples of boring Western obsessions, he said.
“Simply put, the Chinese have an insatiable appetite for three-hour epics about the Sino-Japanese war,” shrugged Hu.
The addition of a trio of new plots to the official canon is sure to propel China into the cinematic superleague, experts hope.
“Today is momentous,” remarked Ministry spokesperson Wu Laigang. “We have almost doubled our national artists’ creative capacity by graciously donating them these new stories.”
The three plotlines include the full range of genres and styles, Wu added, predicting that the first – in which two Shanxi schoolchildren use their father’s moonshine to burn down a Japanese official’s family home– will have Disney “running for the hills.”
The second is likely to replace Romeo and Juliet as the world’s favorite love story within six years, Wu says.
The plot is a “sizzlingly harmonious” love story, set during the Nationalist White Terror of the 1930s, in which the protagonists never meet.
“We’re calling it White Heat,” said Wu. “It’s never been done before.”
Industry insiders say the third new plot may be the most original.
A cross between James Bond, a Rolex advert and the Quotations from Chairman Mao, the story relates an uncorroborated incident from the early life of Mao Zedong, in which the shirtless junior librarian garrottes the Kuomintang officer responsible for his second wife’s execution, using piano wire concealed in his Chinese wristwatch.
The plots will significantly bolster China’s four extant storylines, currently consisting of statutory rape in wartime; a rich girl marrying her boss; a platoon fighting in a forest; and a teenage boy dying a lonely virgin, as a result of a non-specific wasting illness.
While some have welcomed the additions, others say China will not be a true cultural powerhouse until it has at least 10 storylines.
Minister Wu was quick to reassure talent agencies, however, that there would be no change to the standard ‘three male, two female’ character stereotypes.
“Some things will never change,” Wu smiled. “Men can still pick from Saint, Traitor or ‘Fat ’n’ Funny,’ while women can be either Victim or Bitch.”
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By HUI JIA
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The Chinese government has launched an exciting new visa campaign, aimed at promoting better ‘inclusiveness’ for foreigners.
In a bid to make foreign nationals feel just as caught up in a rule-crazy bureaucracy as their Chinese peers, cities across the nation announced the new campaign – dubbed ‘100 Flowers for Foreigners’ – amid public fanfare yesterday.
The campaign encourages foreigners to merely approach their nearest police station, carrying their three ‘haves’ – a valid passport, visa and/or residence permit, landlord’s agreement or/and rental agreement, alien’s work permit and/or/and ‘foreign expert certificate,’ marriage license, bank details, invitation letter, plus their current thoughts on free-market socialism.
“The officers will then scrutinize the completed documents for some time, before announcing that there is a big problem,” promised Beijing public security spokesman Wen Ping. “It’ll be just like you’re authentically Chinese.”
Local communities have been asked to help encourage shy foreigners to come forward and have their day in the sun.
Expats in China can sometimes feel left out of its Communist society, experts say.
While their Chinese co-workers rush off for impromptu Marxism lessons or suddenly vanish into closed-door ‘bonding sessions,’ white-skinned employees are often left to wonder what the fuck just happened to the rest of the office.
Officials hope that the new rules will help foreigners in China acclimatize – or get the hell out.
Not everyone has welcomed the move, however. Younger expats have been overheard worrying that it could interfere with well-laid plans to get totally messed-up this summer.
The nostalgic campaign evokes Mao Zedong’s glorious ‘100 Flowers’ campaign of 1957, during which the then-Chairman encouraged intellectual and scholars to critique the Communist Party, urging: “Let one hundred flowers blossom, let one hundred schools of thought contend.”
Due to a severe natural drought at the time, though, many of those flowers sadly perished.
Police are determined not to let that happen again, promising to visit local watering holes to ensure that any foreigners there are well refreshed, well documented and well on their way back to their native countries.
“Come on everybody, it’s summer,” urged Ping. “Let all the foreign flowers come out and taste the rule of law!”
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By Xiao Niao
CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Foreign media was last night scrambling to find a credible source for a series of sensational allegations made on Chinese websites that suggest Neil Heywood was actually killed by a foreign-intelligence dwarf.
The claims were made on Redrants.com, an offshore Maoist forum that has continually claimed deposed politician Bo Xilai was the victim of a frame-up by Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials.
Citing sources deep within the circus community, Redrants says that British businessman Heywood was in fact killed by a “poison dwarf” hired by the CIA on the orders of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.
“The dwarf did the bidding on the word of the lizard Cameron, we are told,” said the explosive article, which has already received several ‘likes.’
“Afterwards, he ate all the evidence and crept back out. Then the evil mini-me planted hundreds of documents and billions of dollars into the house and bank accounts of Gu Kailai, while she peacefully slept, unaware of the Black Paw.”
Gu is Bo’s wife, who stands accused by the CCP of murdering Heywood over an “economic dispute.”
If true, the stunning accusations would explain delays by the UK Foreign Office in requesting an official investigation into Heywood’s demise in Chongqing last November, as well as bolstering the claims of China’s beleaguered neo-Maoist faction. If false, it will be extremely disappointing.
“This information is stunning, an absolute game-changer,” said political media analyst Charles Ding. “All it lacks is any evidence.”
But one Chinese official was more than happy to go on the record as saying the claims were definitely false.
“This definitely contradicts the evidence that we’ve been making up,” said junior Chongqing Banyan Ministry cadre Ting Luo. “Please stick to our story.”
Whatever the case, the awesome new allegations will certainly provide fresh grist to the mill for hundreds of foreign journalists, many desperate to put food on the table by providing anxious desk editors with fresh Heywood bombshells.
“This should keep us going for weeks,” chuckled one British reporter. “It’ll probably cost Cameron the dwarf vote as well.”
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Got unsubstantiated gossip? Contact firstname.lastname@example.org
By Ruan Shili
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The set-up may seem familiar to film fans: a pair of femme fatales, vast riches and a villainous male standing in their way.
But the Sino-side update of crime classic Bound (1996) will feature “Chinese characteristics”: the plot now revolves around a pair of rival sisters, whose exquisitely bound feet compete for the attentions of a wealthy Manchurian warlord in 1914 China.
“It’s a much more interesting story than the original, which was about lesbians, betrayal and the Mafia,” explained Hong Kong director Danny Chao, adding, “The new version features rampant calligraphy.”
Chao’s film is part of a cinematic renaissance spearheaded by the Chinese government, whose plan to make China “a socialist cultural superpower” was unveiled at the latest Central Committee plenum in late October.
Aftershock director Xiaogang Feng is already hard at work on The Towering Inferno (Safely Extinguished), which revisits the downtown Beijing 2009 CCTV fire and uncovers the tale of an upright government official (Andy Lau) battling to save office workers from a group of disgruntled Japanese fireworks salesmen.
Other potential hits include Citizen Kong – starring Chow Yun-fat as a dying Confucian scholar, desperate for a last tap of former mistress “Rosebud” – and Titanic, an epic weepie about a pair of doomed lovers who meet on an “uncrashable” high-speed train.
This is not the first time Beijing has plundered Hollywood’s back-catalog in search of inspiration to revive its own flagging film industry, however.
During the 1960s, the rights to a numbers of Oscar-winning classics were stolen and completely re-shot to incorporate a Maoist aesthetic: the James Dean hit Rebel Without a Cause became Red Guard classic Public Servant With Noble Intention (1965) while the retitled A Rickshaw Named Contentment (1967) arguably speaks for itself.
Many of these remakes went on to become extremely popular in China. Harmony on the Bounty (1977), for example, proved a huge success with both the public and the censors.
“Pass the scurvy!” declared the People’s Daily film critic upon the film’s release. “For here’s emphatic proof that the US piracy in the motherland’s South China Seas is no longer a match for a crew of hardened seamen with socialist longings.”
But despite the most stringent re-branding efforts, some of today’s remake projects seem unable to shake off what officials once called the “spiritual pollution” of their origins.
An early cut of Zhang Yimou’s Mr Lin Goes to Zhongnanhai, for example, recast Frank Capra’s 1939 feelgood classic as a cautionary tale about the dangers of political reform, with Lin — played by a thoughtful Guo Degang — now a disillusioned peasant-with-a-petition, shown regretting his destabilizing ways as he languishes in a black jail. Censors eventually decided the film was too uplifting.
And the Huayi Bros production Some Like it Hot Pot (tagline: “Spice up your Spring Festival with a little transvestism in your hogwash oil!”) seems forever bound for the cutting-room floor, after star Ge You admitted in interview that he now preferred wearing his character’s female costumes in real life.
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And look for the following at your nearest Wanda Multiplex soon:
Not to be confused with Blind Shaft, this Chinese remake of the 1970s hit hopes to launch a new genre – “Uighursploitation.” Shaft is a wisecracking private detective who won’t stop till he gets his man — but after investigating a series of ethnic arson attacks, he agrees he’s better off just leaving the case well alone. A sequel, Shaft in Africa, is in the works.
This line-for-line indie remake of the 1970s Oscar-winner stars renowned character actor Alec Su playing an unusually upstanding Yunnanese Tobacco Bureau chief.
The Grapes of Benevolent
Has there ever been a better time to revisit Steinbeck’s masterful tale of a migrant worker family, fleeing the West across a lush Jiangsu landscape into the arms of a group of benevolent Wenzhou money lenders?
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By Ken Deji
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — A senior Ministry of Interior Affairs official has claimed that the principal reason behind China’s annexation of Tibet and Xinjiang was to ensure future maps of Chinese territory form the exact shape of a giant chicken, documents released by WikiLeaks have revealed.
The highly emotional meeting, between minister Lu Penghuai and US diplomats, took place in June 2008, after riots in the Tibetan “tail feathers” region were dramatically quashed by state security forces.
If true, the documents could provide a tantalizing explanation as to why Beijing is so keen to retain regions whose non-Han populaces have plainly displayed great antipathy towards the Chinese government.
“The world’s greatest cultures all stemmed from countries shaped like recognizable objects,” Lu remarked to his anonymous American counterpart.
“Italy, cradle of the Roman Empire and later founder-nation of both fascism and the shoe industry is shaped like a boot. Australia, leading light of the Southern hemisphere and dogged participant in both World Wars, looks like the noble head of a Scottish terrier.
“And, of course, the UK, birthplace of the world’s largest empire, is shaped like a giant witch with a pig under her arm. If we allowed the great China’s chicken’s wings and tail to be clipped, how could we hope to succeed as a nation?” Lu asked bemused diplomats.
“It was a firm belief of Chairman Mao’s [Zedong, the former Communist leader who invaded Tibet in 1950] that if China were shaped like a chicken it would give us the feng shui edge over the United States,” explained Professor Wang Ying of the National Cartography Bureau. “Mao used to joke that the US looks like nothing and that, if you ditch Alaska and Hawaii, its closest resemblance is to Cyprus, which he found pathetic.”
Tibet, conjoined with Yunnan and Sichuan provinces, form the chicken’s “thighs and buttocks,” said Professor Wang as he elaborated on the concept, while its wings spread over the Yangtze and Yellow river basins. The addition of Xinjiang allows the bird to “spread its wings.”
Mao’s ‘Reunite the Chicken’ campaign remained a secret Politburo strategy throughout the first few decades of Communist rule. Sympathy with China’s plight during World War Two, when, in Wang’s words, “our great bird’s head [Manchuria] was sliced off by the vicious katana of Japanese imperialists,” secured the return of the three large provinces in the north east from former allies the Soviet Union, before the relationship between the two soured after Stalin’s death.
Today, every schoolchild knows the country as the Dong Fang Xiong Ji or ‘Oriental Rooster’ and Chairman Mao’s war diaries and political works are full of references to the chicken as the “most resourceful of all birds.”
In his popular 1948 essay, On Poultry and the Exploitation of the Masses, Mao remarks: “How like the Chinese peasant are the fowl he tends! We eat their meat and eggs, stuff mattresses with their feathers, make soup from their bones and use their droppings as fertilizer. What better symbol for the Chinese people, so useful when broken down into their component pieces?”
Historians had previously assumed that Tibet and Xinjiang – in which incidents of ethnic unrest have left 14 dead and 27 dead in July alone – were seized to create buffer zones against the then-Soviet Union in the North and India in the South, as well as ensure control over their precious natural resources.
But during a fraught exchange that took place at the Ministry of Interior Affairs, an annoyed Minister Lu is said to have lost patience with that view.
“[Tibet and Xinjiang] are impractically remote, poor as dirt and [the native Tibetan and Uighur peoples] all hate us. They drain massive amounts of money to remain even barely functional. Who the hell would want them?” leaked cables report Lu as screaming.
“Unless, of course, incorporating them into our sovereign territory allowed our national border to form the shape of a barnyard animal,” he said, pausing to catch his breath before adding, “Which they do, and it’s great.”
This admission explains why former US President George W Bush’s alleged clucking and making of ‘chicken-wing’ gestures during bilateral talks in the run-up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq failed to prevent China opposing UN sanctions against Saddam Hussein. “We thought it was a compliment,” remarked Lu.
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By ZOU MIAO
Fashion & Style correspondent
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China’s ruling Politburo have surprised hairdressers by formally admitting that the style sported by former Communist Party Chairman and father of Chinese Communism Mao Zedong is now “unfashionable.”
A Ministry of Culture press release, issued shortly after New Year’s Day, stated that the bizarre bob-cum-combover Mao wore from the early 1930s was “70% completely right and 30% just plain wrong” and the Party officially discourages today’s youngsters from trying to emulate the distinctive style.
The remarks reflect the attitudes of a rising generation of young Chinese, who increasingly prefer the spiky haircuts sported by Korean and Taiwanese pop stars to the Bactrian camel-effect made popular by the late Communist leader.
“Mao’s look was originally conceived as a bold break from the conservative, scraped-back and unimaginative queues and crew-cuts worn by Nationalist government figures,” said noted philanthropist, historian and Sinologist Sir William Buckfast.
“Chiang Kai’s haircut in particular was deeply unpopular among large swathes of the provincial population and looking at it today, one can see he was practically bald.
“By contrast, Mao’s cutting-edge back-combed double-parting immediately bought him vital credibility with the peasantry during his early years of struggle,” Sir William added.
“The worst excesses of the Great Helmsman’s hairstyling came during the decade of chaotic social upheaval known as the Cultural Revolution,” Sir William told China Daily Show. “During this time, Mao’s long-standing barber, Quentin Li Feng, was purged and his fourth wife, Jiang Qing, gave him all his fashion advice. This is what led to the unfortunate ‘undersized headphones’ look we remember him for today.”
Mao experimented with several looks during his early political career, including a mullet, cowlick and, most controversially, a 1911 pompadour before settling on his now-classic cut.
Although the Party insists this was a carefully conceived Marxist ‘do, historians believe it was in fact necessitated by the Red Army’s famous Long March of 1934, when the future Chairman would often face days without access to a hairdryer and had to fashion combs from beaten-flat shell casings.
“This style was probably considered fine then, as there was a war on,” said celebrity British hair stylist Nicky Clarke, who recently visited China for the first time. “But you can’t treat your hair the same way in peacetime. When the fighting stops, hair needs care and attention – gentle conditioning and minimal blow-drying – to achieve long-lasting and pliable results.”
While popular support for Mao’s topiary has been in steady decline since the 1970s, the Party line has until now rigidly supported the style as “the grandfather of Chinese haircuts.”
The new ruling is thus seen as a move by present-day leaders to distance themselves from a form of personal grooming increasingly at odds with contemporary Chinese values.
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By WANG WEI
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – US-China relations were further strained yesterday after China announced the conviction of American citizen Randy Donovan for espionage.
Donovan, 32, from Boulder, Colorado, sat Chinese civil service examinations three times between 2006 and 2009, failing each time. The Chinese procurator alleges the CIA funded each attempt.
Chinese civil service examinations receive a high volume of applicants annually, each desperate to grasp the “Iron rice bowl” of near-guaranteed prosperity the positions are said to entail.
This year, the most hotly competed post was that of deputy undersecretary at the Tobacco Bureau, Gansu Province.
Approximately three and a half million applicants vied for the position, which comes with a salary of 2,500 yuan but is said to have secondary benefits, worth around 200,000 yuan per month, including: previous title-holder’s mistress (if still under 25), a number of grace-and-favor apartments for “visiting dignitaries” and a Mercedes-Benz for “rural visits.”
Donovan aroused suspicions after declining invitations to KTV parlors on the pretext that he “didn’t care for karaoke,” after telling shocked colleagues he was happily married and had no mistresses.
An anonymous American intelligence agent told China Daily Show that the agency has been attempting to infiltrate the service for years.
“We got a guy in back in 1998,” said the source, “but his reports rapidly deteriorated into a string of complaints about having to pay for his bosses’ meals, with unnecessarily detailed notes his failure to ejaculate with various girlfriends.”
“He didn’t actually seem to do any actual government work at all,” added the source.
“We lost him last year after he died of rapid-onset syphilis, contracted during a post-banquet visit to a karaoke parlor, after which he was declared a Revolutionary Martyr in China and given the Distinguished Service Medal of Honor back home.”
Recently declassified MI6 intelligence archives reveal several penetrations into China’s government by British agencies between 1949 and 1976, working with an agent known only by the initials “MZD.”
According to the documents, the agent was paid large sums for “industrial and technological sabotage; systematic undermining of agricultural, educational and scientific development; and assassination of competent leaders and large swathes of the intelligentsia.”
Scribbled notes by an unnamed civil servant describe the mission as “successful beyond our wildest dreams.”
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