By BERT N’ERNAI
Relationships Correspondent

Jiang says she has spent her whole life waiting for this moment

DONGGUAN (China Daily Show) – In a move that has stunned long-time observers of the Professional Mistress League (PML), notably lissom arm-candy Jiang Bingfling, 16, has been been promoted to the Beijing Premier Division.

The fragrant rising star of Shenzhen’s “Mistress Village,” Jiang – known as the ‘Camomile Concubine’ –has been a mainstay of the vibrant southern boomtown’s Lo Wu district league since she qualified aged 13.

The trade was officially announced as being made to an “anonymous Beijing bureaucrat,” in exchange for two future draft-picks for Jiang’s former owner, the Hong Kong playa and tobacco-flavoring millionaire, 63-year-old Vincent “Sammy” Kwok.

The ernai exchange followed months of tense negotiations, which began after Kwok told friends he was “looking for perhaps a bit more variety” to complement his Guangdong-based PML league.

The PML has been mired in controversy since actress Zhang Ziyi, a long-time friend of disgraced politician Bo Xilai, publicly transferred herself to nearby Hong Kong. The move was widely seen as an attempt to disprove allegations that she was the PML’s top scorer, boasting payments of $1 million per match.

Jiang’s new bureaucrat-boss is believed to be Hu Yong, 55, head honcho at the Beijing Department of Floral Science. Sources say Hu has had his eye on the long-limbed Jiang since seeing her perform at an after-hours trade meeting in Guangzhou with Kwok, and now wanted to “put another kind of appendage on her” – namely, his wrinkled mouth.

“Though he had already heard tell of her deft moves, Jiang’s skillful throat and innocent talent for the songs of both Cantonese “heavenly angel” Wang Fei [aka Fay Wong] and Mandopop hit-machine Jolin Tsai endeared her to Hu’s heart forever,” said the friend. “He wanted to bang her on the spot, but instead began formal negotiations with Kwok shortly after.”

Hu says he is looking forward to playing away for much of this season

Kwok, who had talent-spotted Jiang in a KTV bar six weeks earlier, is said to be delighted with the deal.

“Sammy felt the relationship had gone as far as it could go,” said a source to Kwok. “Jiang was also seen as very last-season. There’s no shortage of rural talent in Shenzhen and seemingly no end to Sammy’s wealth and peremptory boredom.”

Jiang will receive a two-bedroom furnished flat in Beijing’s exclusive Diaoyutai No 7 Complex in Haidian district, jade goods worth an estimated 20,000 yuan and unlimited free Wifi. In return, she is expected to provide “agreeable and demure comforts” to Hu in the sporadic moments when he can slip away from his wife, family, official duties and numerous other mistresses.

“It’s a great deal for Jiang,” said a top PML agent. “Hu’s last girlfriend went on ‘the great shopping trip to the sky,’ after threatening to blackmail him.”

The lucky Lolita seemed to agree.

Speaking from a bath of asses’ milk and lotus petals, between long periods of tedium and plaiting her hair, Jiang listlessly told China Daily Show she was “grateful for the opportunity” and is currently hard at work perfecting her puppy noises.

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By WANG WEI
Politics Correspondent

Donovan was said to have stopped smiling when the verdict was handed down

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – US-China relations were further strained yesterday after China announced the conviction of American citizen Randy Donovan for espionage.

Donovan, 32, from Boulder, Colorado, sat Chinese civil service examinations three times between 2006 and 2009, failing each time. The Chinese procurator alleges the CIA funded each attempt.

Chinese civil service examinations receive a high volume of applicants annually, each desperate to grasp the “Iron rice bowl” of near-guaranteed prosperity the positions are said to entail.

This year, the most hotly competed post was that of deputy undersecretary at the Tobacco Bureau, Gansu Province.

Approximately three and a half million applicants vied for the position, which comes with a salary of 2,500 yuan but is said to have secondary benefits, worth around 200,000 yuan per month, including: previous title-holder’s mistress (if still under 25),  a number of grace-and-favor apartments for “visiting dignitaries” and a Mercedes-Benz for “rural visits.”

Donovan aroused suspicions after declining invitations to KTV parlors on the pretext that he “didn’t care for karaoke,” after telling shocked colleagues he was happily married and had no mistresses.

An anonymous American intelligence agent told China Daily Show that the agency has been attempting to infiltrate the service for years.

“We got a guy in back in 1998,” said the source, “but his reports rapidly deteriorated into a string of complaints about having to pay for his bosses’ meals, with unnecessarily detailed notes his failure to ejaculate with various girlfriends.”

“He didn’t actually seem to do any actual government work at all,” added the source.

“We lost him last year after he died of rapid-onset syphilis, contracted during a post-banquet visit to a karaoke parlor, after which he was declared a Revolutionary Martyr in China and given the Distinguished Service Medal of Honor back home.”

Recently declassified MI6 intelligence archives reveal several penetrations into China’s government by British agencies between 1949 and 1976, working with an agent known only by the initials “MZD.”

According to the documents, the agent was paid large sums for “industrial and technological sabotage; systematic undermining of agricultural, educational and scientific development; and assassination of competent leaders and large swathes of the intelligentsia.”

Scribbled notes by an unnamed civil servant describe the mission as “successful beyond our wildest dreams.”

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — A woman claiming to be one of Dashan’s mistresses has revealed that, contrary to popular Chinese feelings, Dashan “isn’t really that clever.”

In her soon-to-be-published memoir, Wei Tingting, 56, from Heilongjiang, reports that Dashan is unable to perform such basic tasks as, “taking taxi, extending visa, and washing feet before go to sleep.”

According to sources, Dashan, also known as Mark Roswell, met Ms. Wei in a bathroom stall at White Rabbit in 2007, where they promptly “shared a bump and got busy with the rooster.”

Authorities at the PSB confirm that Dashan was recently denied an F visa extension, adding that “he is notorious for failing to register the resident slippery.”

In an interview with China Daily Show, the cute female laowai from Dashan’s unpopular Chinese learning television program revealed that Dashan has, “for as long as I’ve been there, employed a language double for all of his Chinese dialog.”

The news comes as a shock to 1.3 billion subscribers of Dashan’s weekly newsletter, “Clever Like Me.”

Comments online from fans range from supportive (“hang on there big brather” -shally87) to macabre (“rape his ancestors mercifully [sic] to the last generation!” -henfenqing).

Twittering witnesses tagged Dashan at the airport purchasing a ticket for Pyongyang, where the media icon has reportedly been offered a 30-picture deal with Dear Leader Productions worth well over $380 Candian dollars.

Calls placed to Dashan’s agent were not immediately returned.