By MO MO
Nobel Correspondent

Mo Yan: should have won a Peace prize

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Victory for China in the Nobel Prize for literature has prompted a nervous Norway to check that “everything is good now, OK?”

After bumping into implacable Vice-Foreign Minister Fu Ying at a crowded celebration party in Beijing, Norwegian diplomat Lars Brandvold congratulated Fu, grinned sheepishly, then patted him on the arm.

“We are now cool people, yes?” Brandvold queried.

Since the announcement of the prize last Friday, ‘Mo-mania’ has allegedly swept the nation, as China basks in the glory of its first-ever acceptable Nobel.

Outside Mo’s house in the village of Gaomi, villagers posed to have pictures taken next to Mo’s favorite turnip.

But the memory of previous ‘bad’ Nobels – given to the Dalai Lama, exiled writer Gao Xingjian and jailed dissident Liu Xiaobo – still leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of many Chinese.

“Liu Xiaobo – who’s he?” asked one commuter pointedly. “Seriously, I’ve never heard of him. Who is he?”

Norway, which hosts the Peace prize, now hopes all that is a thing of the past. “There are none of the hard feelings, yes?” Brandvold carried on questioning the minister, offering an encouraging thumbs-up.

“Over the Liu Xiaobo thing, I mean,” Brandvold continued, his smile faltering. “Or perhaps I should not have mentioned that. Yes? No? It is all good. I am going to walk away now… yes.”

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By WANG WEI
Political Correspondent

Last year's Nobel stash is said to have reminded Obama of his Harvard days

OSLO (China Daily Show) – Representatives of various embassies expressed doubts today over their attendance, previously described as “in the bag,” after Nobel organizers admitted the after-party would likely be “pretty boring.”

“We’d planned big party as usual,” said Nobel Peace Prize spokesman Arne Norblat. “Colombian ambassador normally brings huge kilo of blow, for example, while [Moroccan ambassador] Tariq [Khan] always has enough gear for everyone to get their smoke on. Last year was fucking gas, man, but this time, quite few of major players aren’t coming.”

“There’ll be plenty of smoked-salmon sandwiches, though,” added Norblat.

Colombia and Morocco are two of 19 countries who have decided to boycott this year’s Peace Prize, controversially awarded to jailed Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo, currently serving an 11-year sentence for “inciting subversion of state power.”

Other nations include Serbia, Iraq, Iran, Vietnam and the Philippines, whose withdrawal is said to have disrupted plans to lead delegates in a “hot-tub hooker conga” after the awards ceremony.

“Nobody cares about Saudi Arabia, Sudan or Egypt,” said Norblat. “Those guys have really tight asses. Last year, we just wait for them to leave before busting out the good shit and getting party started.”

Norbalt said that the Committee was particularly hurt after receiving a text message from the German ambassador, saying he might have “accidentally überbucht” that evening. German pages privately confirmed the ambassador has received a much more promising invitation to an Expat Beer Pong Challenge at a local brauhaus.

Hopes that the U.S. might at least bring some “Iowan bush weed” hung in the air after reports from the embassy indicated the ambassador was “weighing his options.”

According to an anonymous source from the Nobel Committee, after-party organizers had considered a quick run to Amsterdam, but felt that the quality and amounts could not be accurately relied upon, and that “it just wouldn’t be the same.”

Further embarrassment was heaped upon the Nobel Committee Wednesday after Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez publicly announced he would not be attending the December 11 ceremony and urged “the international despot community” to instead join him at a piranha party, held at an undisclosed location, but likely to be under a volcano.

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Norwegian scholars are baffled as to why China wants one of its least interesting lakes

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — The Chinese government today ramped up diplomatic pressure on Norway by claiming an obscure fjord as “sovereign Chinese territory.”

Erskyrykærøyfjord, in the region of Sogn og Fjordane, has long been known by locals as a peaceful and wholly uninteresting body of water.

But all that changed this morning during a press conference held by China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

“New research has come to lighting which conclusive show that Erskyrykærøyfjord is actually Chinese waters, not of the Norway,” said Foreign Affairs spokesman, Ma Shangsha, “and has been so since time immoral.”

According to Ma, the new research is based on an obscure 14th-century Yuan Dynasty map “and other conclusive, contemporary document,” which reference the fjord and its surrounding areas as “Genghis Khan’s favorite whoring sector.”

According to China, the two-kilometer square area was comprehensively conquered in 1349.

“The evidence have proved that the Norway fjord is, was, and always will be sovereign Chinese territory,” the Ma said. “China will not tolerate any attempt to restricting the reunify of all of Chinese territory, and strongly urge Norway to support the One-China politics.”

The announcement is part of a series of stringent measures against Norway, following the country’s award of the Nobel Peace Prize to controversial Chinese dissident and human-rights campaigner Liu Xiaobo, currently serving a 10-year sentence for penning Charter 08, a petition urging gradual political reform.

China has cancelled meetings with Norwegian fisheries ministers and warned diplomats against attending the awards ceremony.

Most recently, Beijing also banned Norwegian salmon fishing off the coast of the Diaoyu Islands, a move described by experts as being both a “thawing of Sino-Japanese relations” and “completely pointless.”

The PS'd version of the map, clearly showing a conquer date of 1349 or thereabouts.

In an interview with China Daily Show, noted Sinologist, philanthropist and historian, Sir William Buckfast said that the territory in question may, in fact, actually be Mongolian.

“The map, if ultimately proven legitimate, would indicate that the Erskyrykærøyfjord actually belongs to Mongolia, not China,” Sir William gently pointed out.

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