Migrant workers are being advised to save money and not return to Changhegong this New Year

By RONG REN
Defense Correspondent

DALIAN (China Daily Show) – Until yesterday, Chanhegong was a quiet fishing village in North-East China near the North Korean border with a population of 160,000, known for its clear sea and mackerel fishing.

As of this morning, however, Chanhegong is now a giant crater in the earth, known for its strong smell of death and two-headed fish, with a half-life of 72 years.

China’s leaders have called for peace, calm and the resumption of talks this afternoon, after an early Chinese New Year fireworks display by the village was apparently mistaken for aggressive military action.

North Korean artillery rained down over 400 uranium-enriched shells on the small town of Chanhegong, Liaoning Province, near the Port of Dandong,  after its townspeople let off firecrackers, Roman candles and sparklers during a New Year temple fair.

Despite reports of the devastating attack on Chinese soil, top officials and PLA officers showed no sign of wishing to retaliate, instead issuing a statement maintaining its “firm opposition” towards nuclear strikes by its troubled neighbour and erstwhile ally.

“We will talk about this with [North Korea leader] Kim Jong-un, as he always listens,” said Foreign Ministry spokesman Li Fu. “Probably sometime after New Year, though.”

Tensions have been raised on the Korean Peninsula since the 2009 sinking of South Korean warship the Cheonan and an exchange of artillery fire over the small island of Yeonpyeong in the Yellow Sea. On both occasions, China, North Korea’s sole chief ally, refused to join in the chorus of international criticism and instead urging a diplomatic solution to resolving the tensions.

But today, world leaders are asking just what North Korea has to do to provoke any kind of response from its seemingly placid neighbour.

Earlier this month, two North Korean diplomats treated senior Chinese PLA officers in Beijing to an impromptu Three Stooges vaudeville routine, slapping their heads, calling them “knuckleheads” and repeatedly tweaking the nose of one general while chanting, “Nuk, nuk, nuk.”

The Stooges are among the Kims’ favorite comedy acts and are considered essential viewing in North Korea.

In December, Kim Jong-un is reported to have commandeered a Chinese border train loaded with birthday presents and driven it around Hebei Province. “He was tooting the horn, laughing and letting off gunshots into the air,” an eyewitness told China Daily Show. “He then kidnapped a dozen peasants as souvenirs.”

Both events were dismissed as “horseplay” by Foreign Ministry officials.

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By Hao Che
Food and Drink Correspondent

Kim finished off the brandy with his signature salute

PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) – A controversial lunch in Pyongyang went off without a hitch, North Korean media reported this weekend.

Over protests from the US, Japan and South Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un successfully polished off a four-course pan-Asian banquet of cheeseburgers, rooster testicles and foie gras in front of an ecstatic crowd of 18,000.

The politically charged luncheon was televised to mark the 100th birthday of the late leader – and current president – Kim Il-sung, founder of the Deeply Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. The meal triggered alarm in the international community, however, with the UN suggesting it was an affront to the country’s poverty-stricken population and Japanese diplomats jeering that Jong-un was incapable of handling his desserts.

After the portly Jong-un finished the high-profile meal with a Campari-based apertif and amuse-bouche flourish, Chinese Preident Hu Jintao dispatched a congratulatory telegram, noting that “the whole of our country’s belly shares your sense of contentment and filling. I knew you could do this.”

Celebrations in the North Korean capital continued until well past 5pm, with the state television channel broadcasting the live KTV session direct from the Ministry of Truthfulness canteen.

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By ZHEN REN
Reality TV correspondent

Specs appeal: Kardashian's 'classic Kim' look is good to go

PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) — The snow has barely settled on Kim Jong-il’s funeral party but the internal jockeying has already begun, as  contestants line up to see who will succeed Kim into the ultimate hot seat: control of all nuclear warheads north of the 38th parallel.

But even as the finishing touches are being applied to the late Dear Leader’s body by a team of highly paid, ex-KGB taxidermists, the chilly halls of Pyongyang’s government ministries have come abuzz with rumors that several Western fame whores are lining up their own leadership bids.

“Kim Jong-un better lay off the Cookie Diet!” declared Calvin Wang, Kim Kardashian’s Asian-Pacific manager this week, as the reality TV star became the latest celebrity Kim to throw her hat in the ring.

“Respected comrade Kardashian has a proven track record of making disastrous high-profile decisions and her car-crash lifestyle speaks for itself,” Wang argued. “If Jong-un thinks he can live up to his father’s lifestyle as preposterously as this Kim can, he’s smoking the ma huang.”

Whoever lands the coveted post of Supreme Leader will have to out-flail even the most absurd antics of the recent US Republican primary nominees, experts warn.

“They’ll need to impress kingmakers like Chang Song-taek, who like their dictators the old-fashioned way: ineffictive at ruling but adept at making grand, crazy gestures,” said analyst Park Chae-dong. “Frontrunner Kim Jong-un, for example, is already planning the world’s most expensive wedding — to Angelina Jolie, who won’t even be attending the ceremony.”

In scenes reminiscent of 2010, Jung-un has also ordered the re-release of Kim Jong-il’s favorite film, Kim Jong-il’s Wasteful American Military Drains Mass Resources in Attempt to Rescue Undecorated Soldier, the director’s smash-hit Saving Private Ryan remake.

“That’s a clear attempt to shore up support, by reminding starving citizens of their late leader’s directorial talents,” Park noted. In retaliation, the South has been blasting “I’m So Ronery” across the DMZ to demoralize border troops.

Kardashian, meanwhile, is believed to be in round-the-clock briefings, explaining the intricacies of the Hermit Kingdom’s socialist planned economy, pre-industrial agriculture and rabid anti-Americanism. Long-time Pyongyang observers, however, fear a 2006 Politico interview — in which Kardashian suggested that “those poor Koreans deserve a real makeover, Palm Springs-style” — will not have endeared her to the isolationist country’s military junta. 

And former husband Kris Humphries – whose 2011 marriage to Kardashian famously lasted just 72 days – has cited their vehement personal clashes over the stalled Six-Party Talks as a major reason for the couple parting ways.

“Kim was extremely concerned about something called ‘nuclear proliferation’,” Humphries has revealed to OK! magazine. “She felt the Middle East situation had diverted attention from the Korean Peninsula. I said we should just stay at the Sheraton then.”

State media shows citizens reacting to Kardashian's announcement

While talks are already in progress to broadcast Kim’s Korea’s Got Talent on K! — the North Korean arm of entertainment channel E! — serious analysts are looking to other foreign contenders.

These include former-1980s foxfur-hat-toting songstress Kim Wilde — a self-confessed longtime adherent of “Juche and Gabbana” — and musician Lil’ Kim, asked how she might run her campaign, rapped “I’d run drive-bys hitting DMX switches/Prove my skeez to those Yonhap-loving bitches.” Insiders suggest it would be better for her chances if, like the country’s current president Kim Song-il, the rapper was deceased.

But Hollywood agents have poured cold water on Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger’s chances. “She’s too old and wrinkly,” said a top agent. “Unlike the cuddly up-and-comer Kim Jung-un, who is either 27, 28 or 29.”

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By ZHONG ZULUN
Race Relations Correspondent

Da! Russians traditionally celebrate coming-of-age by shooting their parents in the head and dumping the bodies in a mass grave (Picture: KGB)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It’s the news that has every Russian saying, “Na zdrovia”: The results from a recent China Daily Show poll to find the best – and worst – expats has left all participants feeling slightly more racist.

The biggest non-surprise was the news that Russia maintained its position of having the world’s most intimidating expatriate community. The victory, Russia’s fourth consecutive win, was celebrated in style at Beijing’s downtown Moscow Restaurant last night, where a trio of bodybags – believed to contain dead prostitutes – was seen being smuggled out in the early hours Wednesday morning.

Sergei Nikolayevich, a shark-eyed Shanghai nightclub owner, said he wasn’t especially celebrating the win, as he normally drinks two bottles of vodka a night anyway. But he agreed the poll was an accurate reflection of Russia’s status abroad.

“The happiest moment of my life was when I gave my mother a tracheotomy in the husk of a burning car,” recalled Nikolayevic, who moved to China after a particularly harsh winter during which most of his family perished except his arch-enemy, brother Uri.

Russian melancholia is understandable, pointed out historian Sir William Buckfast, whose Somehow It Gets Worse (OUP, 1998) is considered a definitive account of the former Soviet Union. “Think about the worst possible thing that ever happened in your country: something that haunts you, shames you, worries you, terrifies you,” Buckfast explained. “Well, the Russians doubled it and likely did it for fun.”

Other expats that made readers reach for their passports include South Africans, Israelis and Nigerians. Agbani Enwonu, a Political Science professor and author of the critically acclaimed Things Fall Apart, Again (411 Books, 2010), says the stereotype is an outdated one.

“Yeah, yeah, I tell you,” Agbani told China Daily Show. “The only way to peaceful cohabitation between nations is a leveraged and balanced trade policy. The understanding and compassion of people is not enough. For example, I myself am a son of the deposed General [Sani Abacha]. But I would be happy to share the contents of my frozen accounts with you, if you’d just supply me with a few bank details.”

The poll spells bad news for China’s overseas muscle, however: Chinese people came in at an over-friendly 167, mostly because they “bring food,” while its dictatorial neighbour, North Korea, failed to even register.

The news was also greeted with dismay in Australia, which only just squeezed into the 2011 Top Ten despite a very strong showing last year. “It’s ridiculous,” complained aggrieved sports-bar manager Bruce Thompson. “Statistically, at any given moment, in any given bar, an Australian is punching someone while shouting.”

And disproving the old adage that it is impossible to not offend a Canadian, the Canuck abroad is merely considered harmless, according to pollsters. “They have infiltrated every nation. They can live in any climate,” explained anthropologist Wen Luo. “ In short, they are so polite and unassuming, it’s just plain rude.”

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent 

US troops staring in stunned silence at a glorious North Korean war dance

PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) – Wasteful American Military Drains Mass Resources in Attempt to Rescue Undecorated Soldier has put writer, director, producer, cinematographer, composer, vocal artist and NoKay-pop star, Kim Jong-il, back on the 38th parallel.

In what’s being called “the mirth-ride of the last ten thousand glorious years” by North Korea’s national film critic, and “a roll-on-the-floor laugh-fest of Kubrickian proportions” by the North Korean Ministry of Truth, the Dear Leader’s re-envisioned comedy of Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-winning film, Saving Private Ryan, earned an estimated 2,717,589 won ($19,000) over the weekend.

The ht reboot pulled in literally dozens of involuntary cinema lovers to Pyongyang’s single-screen mega-multiplex, who used up all of their subsidized Cinematic Enjoyment and Reflection on Dear Leader’s Glorious Artistic Legacy Ration Coupons to see the film again and again and again.

Wasteful American Military preserves much of the original film’s footage, with the original dialogue re-recorded by Kim Jong-il, who personally provided nasal, falsetto voices for every American soldier in the film’s central squad.

Breathtaking new battle scenes, directed and inter-cut by Kim, depict the US military bowing down to North Korean forces at the film’s glorious conclusion, “for tongue-on-cheek historic metaphor,” said Kim.

“You’ll love how the feeble Americans fail to maximize human-wave tactics on Omaha Beach,” said national film critic, Jop Chae-seok, in the Pyongyang Hourly Bugle. “They blanch at the mere sight of blood, agonize over insignificant losses, and rely on futile capitalist tactics to capture enemy pillboxes, rather than trusting the divine will of their Dear Leader and charging forward, machine guns armed with sturdy pitchforks.”

Jop struggled to identify a single, stand-out moment in the “hilarious” three-and-a-half-hour masterpiece, but laughed uncontrollably when recalling that “when the American devils do not torture the captured German to death but instead allow him to go freely, only to run into him again later in the film firing guns at them!” was particularly amusing.

Kim Jong-Il’s publicist, Iris Herzog — whom North Korea denies was kidnapped from her Beverly Hills home in 1997 to serve the reclusive movie  executive in his gilded Pyongyang palace — released a statement to China Daily Show, insisting that “although the running time is extended by nearly an hour, the Dear Leader only had to make minimal changes to enhance the comedic value of this rare example of American artistic ability.”

Such changes include: duck calls dubbed over the impact of bullets in American soldiers’ bodies, a slide-whistle when a German trooper slides a knife into a US soldier’s neck, and an Edith Piaf gramophone record in the original replaced with the North Korean national anthem, which “stirs the hearts of the craven American dogs with its glorious power,” according to Herzog.

The film’s epilogue features a stern Kim somberly reminding North Koreans to “remain cold toward the custard-livered Americans, even as we laugh at their brilliant slapstick.”

In a departure from his comedic works, the Dear Leader hopes to break box-office records again later this month with his upcoming traditional Christmas horror film, S*L*A*S*H,  in which a “fully representative faction of American military surgeons” descend upon Pyongyang with AIDS-bespeckled scalpels.

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