Dear Japanese AV Star,

Hey, wanna hear a secret? I never actually finished ‘Foucault’s Pendulum’!

Fragrant greetings! I am Da Peng Jr, son of successful fruit-produce seller Da Peng. A robust Chinese man who has followed your sustainable work through its many stages of scientific development, from Bangkok Booberella to Hot Sushi and Orgy Camera 6. But for me, underrated independent US production Fuck Me Hard 2: Fuck Me Harder is still “Oscar’s Choice.”

Of course, I have noticed the many secret and admiring messages you have delivered to me through medium of film.

Even when you are pretending to enjoy fruitful congress with multiple foreigners, you give look to camera and I see message. Having wondered often when you will decide to “take things further,” my heart jumps out of chest when I see you have accepted invitation to lecture on safe procreation at Central China Normal University – only 607.27 kilometers away!

This is surely a moment I wait for. I and my Long March Rocket DZ-5 are coming for you, my love, and only request one thing. Why do you not now proclaim your commitment for me in a more public manner, such as you professed the love to pizza takeaway boy and his three classmates, as they violated your sanctuary in lieu of payment for “large salami”?

Number Four Fan

A Japanese AV star says:

I’d like to respectfully refer further questions on the Nanjing Massacre to Takashi Yoshida’s well-balanced study of the conflicting narratives to this tragic event since 1937.

Dear Japanese AV Star,

After watching one of your movies, my boyfriend suggested we try anal sex. That was six weeks ago, and we’ve nothing done else since. In his words, ‘Once you’ve gone back… you never go back.’ Fine for him, but my bum feels like a 24-hour saloon; I can’t sit comfortably without a Hello Kitty cushion and a heavy sigh; and our recently reupholstered cream sofa is now heavily stained with santorum.

What’s a girl to do?

Numb in Ningbo

A Japanese AV star says:

So I’ve been keeping busy doing retakes for a reverse cowgirl DP bondage shoot currently in post-production in Tokyo. But next week, it’s off to the Native American Navajo Tapestry Rug-Weaving Expo in Window Rock, Arizona. As it’s the heart of the “Navajo Nation,” I’m quite nervous about showing off my attempts at the Two Grey Hills style (and the more ornate Teec Nos Pos) in public!

For group fucking, though, there’s no question: I prefer the Two Grey Hills rug every time, preferably with a bootleg of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald’s sadly unreleased “Apollo Live Backstage”  playing alongside. The Two Grey Hills is much easier to clean, due to color and dye issues.

OK, gotta go: Haruki Murakami keeps bugging me for lunch. Wanting some feedback on a enigmatic Lolita-like character with troubling sexual and adolescent issues, I expect… maybe I should refer him to my classic academic entry, Suzi Bungholeeo Does the Cambridge Dons!

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent

Rumors that Shou Shou might appear were confined to a desultory image of Chen wordlessly flicking through a car-model catalogue.

HONG KONG (China Daily Show) – Loyal staff in disgraced actor Edison Chen’s retinue are said to be “disgusted” after the star recently proffered them new sex snaps featuring “inferior production quality and content” in lieu of cash.

The new material, described as “deeply disappointing,” is said to include grainy footage of Chen’s seemingly unaware ayi bending over to empty a wastepaper basket, filmed from behind a Venetian blind.

Housemaid Jenny Wang had been hoping to buy an LCD television and a “fistful of toys” with her Christmas bonus from Hong Kong actor-singer employer Edison Chen but was last night having to consider other options.

“Edison used to be so generous,” Wang told China Daily Show. “Tips, bonus, perks – you name it. But this month, after working overtime several nights, I found a signed CD of his all-time greatest love songs in my envelope instead of the usual paycheck.”

According to sources, the erstwhile star has a history of using “Chen-morabilia” as a form of currency ever since his giant career suffered a massive setback in 2008, when thousands of explicit photographs erupted on the Internet featuring Chen in sexual poses with various well-known Asian actresses.

Recent examples include paying for a steak dinner with a lock of hair, settling a poker debt using the leather jacket he wore to the premiere of Dog Bite Dog and reaching a deal with angry bailiffs by offering his entire back catalog of unreleased experimental hip-hop in place of interest payments.

But the value of such trinkets is said to be declining. One staff member watched aghast as online bidding on a pair of black swimming trunks, worn by Chen on the cover of the May 2005 issue of Invasive, a celebrity gossip magazine, started and ended with her “enticingly low” offer of 0.99 HKD.

The star plowed millions into security following the pictorial emissions, but staff say Chen has so far had little luck arousing interest from new Chinese starlets in his upcoming independent project, “Untitled Edison Chen Film.”

He has therefore had to devise other ways to fill up the cracks in his dwindling financial situation.

Gardener Paul Kwong described his initial excitement on being handed several CD-ROMS marked “Unseen 12/05/09 HOT!”

“Edison said, ‘The lawn’s never looked so good: enjoy. Merry Christmas,’ then slapped my buttocks playfully,” Kwong recalled. “When I got home, I rushed upstairs to my computer, thrust my disk into the slit and readied myself for some celebrity split-beaver.”

Instead, Kwong watched a five-minute film of Chen’s two golden retrievers –Raspy and Mittens – engaged in shambolic, abrupt sex while being filmed on a mobile phone, during which Chen could be overheard breathing heavily.

“The camera was bobbing up and down uncontrollably,” said Kwong, who stopped viewing when the picture became too blurry and unfocused to properly enjoy.

“It was more ‘ruff, ruff’ than ‘woof woof’,” he later complained to reporters.

Follow this and other breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

China is said to only have enough squid porn to last two weeks

TOKYO (China Daily Show) – The dispute over the Diaoyu Islands showed no signs of abatement yesterday, after Japan was reported by domestic media to have taken steps to ban the export of specialist pornography to China.

The move, believed to be in retaliation for China’s unofficial limits on “rare-earth” exports, is said to have “devastated” netizens across China.

Pornography is commonly found across the Internet but Japan has cornered the market in the refinement and production of so-called “rare” pornography, a vital ingredient in modern web-viewing habits.

Reuters reported that Japan was declining exports in the 2 Girls, 1 Cup series to Chinese ports, though customs officials were quick to claim the stoppage was in fact due to “stringent quality-control issues.”

Rare porn is also manufactured in China, mainly in the autonomous Hong Kong region, but is widely agreed to be of a much lesser quality than that produced in Tokyo.

“Connoisseurs of so-called faux snuff, coprophilia tapes and barely legal schoolgirls consider Japan indisputably superior producers — and rightly so,” Sinologist, historian and noted philanthropist Sir William Buckfast told China Daily Show. “If exports are blocked, this could have a serious effect on the domestic tissue industry, as well as causing potential social unrest. One shudders to imagine how Beijing will retaliate.”

Buckfast, who was the first to notice the alleged freeze, added that he will be monitoring the situation extremely closely.

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