By WING DUFENG
Technology Correspondent

A message similar to this one, but in Chinese, and different, confronted one sensitive-nippled Anhui mother

HEFEI (China Daily Show) – A woman in Anhui province was stunned to find her nipples inaccessible when she came to feed her newborn yesterday morning, after overzealous Internet officials blocked the “sensitive” body region.

“I picked up my baby to feed him,” the mother told China Daily Show. “But when he got to my chest, there was just a Great Firewall [GFW] message saying ‘404 error: Due to relevant laws and regulations, this bodily region cannot be accessed.’ I pressed the area to try and refresh it but – nothing.”

The mishap comes as China undergoes widespread web-connectivity problems, following government fears of social unrest spread by networking sites. A so-called “Jasmine Revolution” initiated by Twitter users abroad failed to materialize in 13 Chinese cities Sunday but state concerns have meant residents across China have faced unusually high levels of censorship.

The woman, who has requested anonymity for fear of political reprisals, told how she had casually mentioned her nipples were “sensitive” to parents at a mother’s morning the day before. “I can’t imagine it’s down to that, though,” the woman said. She added that the message claimed her nipples “might have moved to another site” but a search of her apartment yielded no results.

“It is merely a case of political correctness gone mildly and benevolently eccentric, like a powerful, intelligent, wise, forgiving and lovable uncle,” noted Professor Ma Yaochang, a Renmin University legal expert and CPC member. “Sometimes the masses must suffer for the few.”

But Professor Ma would not confirm whether the incident was linked to the case of a young poet in Hebei Province who woke to find his entire fey persona had been blocked by the GFW. “It is a nightmare,” the man told China Daily Show by phone.

“I can’t access any of the features of my unique, sensitive personality that make my work popular. If this continues, I might end up having to take a job in the Ministry of Education.”

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UPDATE: The Anhui woman is now able to continue feeding her baby thanks to a paid proxy midwife. This development may be connected with sightings of a pair of disembodied Chinese nipples that “appear briefly and fuzzily in front of shoppers in downtown Portland, Oregon, before vanishing into the ether” according to a report entitled Nipple Riddle Baffles Mall Shoppers that appeared in this afternoon’s Portland Post.

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

The ending of the ban is good news for both pornographers and fishermen

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Servers crashed and internet connections slowed to a crawl yesterday, after Japan ended its recent ban on Chinese exports of specialist pornography, in what is being seen as a diplomatic gesture of seasonal goodwill.

But the move, part of a thawing of diplomatic relations after an unsteady few months, left millions still without proper access, as Internet providers buckled under the strain of the sudden pornfall. Some users were this morning being told that “holiday hand-relief” was effectively canceled until after Chinese New Year.

Senior Chinese ministers were last night demanding to know who was responsible for the lack of preparation, which they said embarrassed China and left it looking like a “developing country, like Vietnam or Great Britain or something.”

Lack of access to porn is seen as a major potential cause of social instability in China. In November, Japanese officials blocked all exports of so-called “rare” pornography as part of a tit-for-tat controversy between the two nations over a sovereignty dispute in the Diaoyu – or Senkaku –  Islands.

Japan, fondly known  in China as “Nipporn”, has long specialized in such erotic exports but the November ban left to an upsurge in fake or shanzhai product, which many described as lacking the production skill and high cinematography values of the real thing.

User Yao Ten, 23, downloaded a copy of Calamari Co-eds 5 only to find it was an inferior Chinese knock-off.  “I found myself watching a group of Shandong women awkwardly rubbing each other with dead eels. A total turn-off,” Yao told China Daily Show.

Since the prohibition was lifted, schools and universities across the country have reported widespread truancy, which is expected to last well into late January.

Undergraduate Yu Men, 24, describes himself as an angry, bitter nationalist to the point of almost total ignorance. Yet he was quick to praise its adult cinema industry: “Japan is highly superior in the quality of their adult videos compared to China, mainly because they are perverted, barbarian running dogs,” he said, adding, “I’ll give them their due, though: their porn is top-notch.”

Search engines and forums pledged this morning to put their engineers on full alert to maintain connectivity, while UNAIDS ambassador and TV personality James Chau has promised those unable to download authentic squid porn free access to an infamous full four-hour bootleg sex tape, featuring Chau, that recently surfaced on the web.

In a public ceremony yesterday attended by international media, Japanese Foreign Minister Yamata Hatanzi handed Politburo representative Li Fu a specially commissioned copy of Conger Conga 4, featuring AV star Erika Sato with a cast of thousands of fish and underage schoolgirls.

Accepting the gift on behalf of senior Chinese officials, Li said: “Our countries may disagree on some things but fundamentally see eye-to-eye over the need to maintain a constant balance of trade between cheap, disposable plastic goods and 90-minute DVDs of Japanese women being molested by octopi.”

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