By WO KOU
Sovereignty Correspondent

‘Look – there’s a diplomat. Let’s have a rational debate!’

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Across Chinese cities, thousands poured into the streets yesterday to express a diverse range of considered musings concerning the controversial issues raised over a quintet of uninhabited islands in the South China Seas.

The Diaoyu Islands, currently claimed by Japan and China, as well as Taiwan, have become the recent subject of a heated political dispute.

Today, concerned protestors around China used a sensitive anniversary to publicly call for delicate diplomacy and plead for measures to prevent the clumsily-handled dispute from escalating into a potentially devastating confrontation.

Thought-provoking banners were in abundance, many proclaiming prudent slogans such as “Remember the tragic 1931-1945 war! End all violence, seek diplomatic solutions” and “We condemn the provocative actions of the right-wing Tokyo nationalists but urge the Chinese government to seek a bilateral solution,” as crowds called for a tactful end to the immature stand-off.

“It’s about peace and free love, man,” smiled one long-haired citizen, waving a sign playfully urging fellow citizens to “Fuck the Japanese.”

“We will not stand for any more bullying!” insisted another poster; its owner, Beijing shopkeeper Lao Ping, 52, explained he was sickened by the recent acts of cowardly violence and looting committed against foreign-owned businesses.

Many placards bore the images of incumbent leaders Hu Jintao and Wen Jiabao, as well as President-in-waiting Xi Jinping, because, as one demonstrator explained, “they’re the ones who are supposed to be in charge of defusing this mess.”

Tomorrow, millions of Chinese plan to march to their local libraries, in order to research the thorny, unresolved historical issues surrounding the partially submerged outcrop and seek more informed opinions.

“But at the end of the day, they’re just rocks,” shrugged one.

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BY DU QISHI
Health Correspondent

Public bathroom – or death trap? For many, it’s a bit of both

GUANGZHOU (China Daily Show) – A group of female sophomores – angered at conditions in their campus restrooms – suffered a setback yesterday, after three of their members died during a protest.

“‘Occupy Restrooms’ was never going to end well,” shrugged local police chief Xi Zheng. “This tragedy could have been prevented if more men had been consulted.”

At least six female students began to suffocate during a proposed four-day movement in the male lavatories at Guangzhou Number 4 HGV Training University this week.

The “Occupy Restrooms” protesters, a nod to the anti-Wall Street group, are complaining that long queues for female toilets are unfair. But, as of yesterday, waiting for a slash was the least of their worries.

Campaign organizer Wang Yu, 19, and five others succumbed to flatus eighteen minutes into their heavily publicized squat-in. Officers eventually dragged them to safety but three later died.

The incident brings the total number of deaths in Chinese toilets this year to 189. With the country facing growing water shortages, local governments have been instructed to take a ‘hands-off’ policy towards cleaning public bathrooms.

Critics point out that maintaining appalling hygiene is a costly business. Surplus methane gas from factory farming has to be pumped in via concealed vents, animal corpses smeared on walls weekly and floors must be doused several times a day with ammonia and menstrual blood.

But economists point out that not cleaning restrooms also frees up enormous quantities of caustic chemical fluids, which can be used in China’s food and beverage industry.

To drive the message home, a national-level campaign has been mounted to discourage people from using public bathrooms. “Take a step backwards; then another. Now walk out the door,” reads one, while another simply asks: “What’s wrong with the gutter?” Several public hospitals are even offering a free set of anal stitches with selected childbirths.

The campaign is aimed at diverting funds to the “shocking shortcomings” in facilities provided for public officials. Shi Xiaobian, an expert, said that China’s government buildings lag behind those of Japan in terms of providing safe, comfortable, computer-assisted bowel relief to the elite.

“Some visiting officials are being denied the lavender soap when they visit provincial-level buildings,” he said. “This has to change.”

Last year, one senior offical reported that a malfunctioning bidet caused him to miss the turtle course at an important banquet. Another is even suing his own department, claiming that a lack of quilted two-ply in the handicapped bathroom had had disastrous consequences for his silk long johns.

But there was some good news, Shi added: a rural campaign to promote shitting in the street had “gone viral.”

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BY FA KEYU
Politics Correspondent

An estate agent looking for business in Beijing yesterday

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – “I used to share a dorm in a subterranean cave with fifteen others in Beijing’s Fengtai District,” said construction worker Ai Laowei, 45. “But that was before I wrote a letter of mild complaint to my local government. After that, I got whisked straight into a black jail cell of my own.”

Ai didn’t stop there. “Once I got out, I produced a sculpture depicting my state of mind, using reclaimed building materials. Now I have an 11-year lease on a six-foot by four-foot room in central Beijing.”

As urban property prices skyrocket, creating fears of an unsustainable housing bubble, more and more Chinese like Ai are turning to casual dissidence in a bid to win a place in the capital’s increasingly crowded prisons.

“It’s first come, first screwed,” explained prison guard Lu Qian. “Get arrested next month and you’re looking at sharing a cell with about four other human rights lawyers and a couple of scholars. No one wants that.”

Timing is everything in Beijing’s volatile prison property market. Rising inflation rates of up to 5% have seen housewives, bored farmers and frustrated students post inflammatory remarks on microblogs and throw dead-eyed glances at passing policemen, all in the hope of being detained.

“The early adopters, like Liu Xiaobo, secured themselves a good stretch in solitary confinement,” noted Lu. “But I expect the later ones might not even have the luxury of a rigged trial.”

In the last four weeks, 28 individuals have been rewarded with their own grace-and-favor rooms in central Beijing, and 30 have vanished, including lawyers Teng Biao, Li Tiantian, Tang Jingling and Jiang Tianyong and activists Gu Chuan and Ye Du, believed whisked away to rural estates.

More than 200 citizens have been meanwhile told they don’t need to bother going to work any more or even leave the house, with security details providing a 24-hour home delivery service.

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