By BAO FOJIAO
Religious Affairs Correspondent

A suitably evil-looking Catholic ceremony in China recently

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A high-profile spat between the Vatican and Chinese Communist Party has split opinion among critics who normally simply dislike both.

Relations between the two, long strained, were plunged into further crisis by the dramatic resignation last week of Bishop Thaddeus Ma Daqin.

Bishop Ma announced his withdrawal from the state-run Chinese Catholic Patriotic Association (CCPA) at his ordination in front of a congregation of 1,200.

The Vatican claims the sole right to appoint bishops worldwide; Beijing insists that any sovereignty within China belongs to the Party.

The conflict has divided supporters of neither.

“At the end of the day, the Catholic Church’s support for universal human values must be the deciding factor for me,” sighed Stephanie Pence, a legal clerk in Milwaukee. “Even though they must bear huge responsibility for the proliferation of AIDS in places such as Africa.

“No, wait: I need to think about this.”

Last year, the CCPA forced clergy loyal to Rome to take part in the appointment of three of its bishops, an act seen by many abroad as indicative of Beijing’s persecution of religious freedom.

Physicist Sundarshan Gupta disagrees. “No, no, no,” Gupta said, wearily, his red-lined eyes betraying a sleepless night debating the issue.

“An essentially secular government, such as in post-Mao China, is the bedrock of a healthy, pluralistic society,” Gupta insisted. “No more matter how corrupt or self-serving… I’m pretty sure about that.”

Those who wish to worship outside state auspices must do so in underground churches that face regular disruption by authorities. Bishop Ma  has since been allegedly detained and banned from performing ceremonies.

“It’s kind of weird to find myself getting worked up about Beijing’s attitude towards Chinese Catholics,” admitted graduate student and self-confessed ‘slut’ Helen Getty. “Especially when you consider that I spend a lot of my time defending myself against these religious nutjobs.”

Getty admitted that it was extremely hard to choose between two aging, rigid, deeply unpopular institutions.

But as she debated whether to dress as a ‘tarty bishop’ or ‘promiscuous official’ at a rally in support of religious freedom that evening, Getty said that, as conflicted as her opinions were, ultimately, her belief in the absolute freedom of expression was the deciding factor.

“I guess what I’m saying is, I think Catholics should be free to channel their sexual frustration and self-disgust into vindictive personal attacks on me if they want, and I should be free to tell them to go shove it right back where they don’t want it,” Getty declared, as she polished off a small glass of wine and settled on the ‘tarty bishop’ look.

For some, the issue is not just one of human rights as outdated, superstitious ideology.

“It’s extremely hard to take seriously anyone that believes in the tangible existence of foreign devils,” said Tsinghua Professor of Sociology He Fang.

Professor Fang says the Vatican and Party represent two large opposing forces who nevertheless share much in common.

“When two ostensibly evil powers clash, that can be a very confusing moment for all of us – especially for those who normally couldn’t give a shit about either.”

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Foreign black hand – or just your creepy church leader?

Play ‘Party or Vatican,’ the game that’s sweeping China! 

1)    Oops! That school your dodgy organization built just collapsed and it’s time for a hasty self-criticism. But do you confess to a bishop – or your local Party secretary?

2)   You just got caught raping a 10-year-old schoolboy – but that doesn’t necessarily mean a court appearance anytime soon. Is that because you’re a Catholic priest or a provincial cadre?

3)   Your education turns out to be riddled with inaccuracies, omissions and historical distortions. But where did you just graduate from: the seminary – or Communist Party School?

4)   There’s nothing like an internal conflict to leave the blood of tens of millions on your hands. But who were you needlessly slaughtering – heretics or counter-revolutionaries?

How to play: simply choose either answer. Congratulations – it’s the right answer. 

Enjoy more China fun with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By Fu Xi
Futurist Correspondent

Gordo: Chang you can believe in (Image: Forbes)

NEW YORK (China Daily Show) — In his famous polemic The Coming Collapse of China (2001), Gordon Chang predicted the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would implode within a decade.

Ten years later, Chang admits he was wrong — but blames the calculation on a faulty Mayan calendar.

“It was made in China. What can you expect?” Chang joked.  Now the Sinologist has gone back to the drawing board and come up with an ironclad set of new predictions.

“Depending on which calendar you use, China will collapse in the late half of the twenty-first, according to the Roman, or sometime next century if you believe the one this monk drew up for my astrology chart,” he told China Daily Show.

In his original book, Chang blamed a number of factors – including a spiritual vacuum, religious persecution, over-leveraged state banks and unbridled corruption – and pointed to a military confrontation over Taiwan as the likely tipping point for the CCP’s demise.

But for his upcoming tome Fear of a Yellow Planet (2011), Chang posited three fresh possible doomsday scenarios.

“While superficially China continues to grow,” writes Chang, “the nation faces many structural and developmental issues, as yet unaddressed, that will likely bring disaster in the next millennium.

“These include a vast and growing wealth gap, an outdated and poorly regulated banking sector, an inability to pay basic medical or education expenses, a dearth of graduate jobs, endemic corruption, constant censorship, an ongoing and unstoppable ‘brain-wealth drain,’ as well as chronic pollution and environmental degradation, all fueled by rampant inflation and a relentless provincial focus on GDP growth.

“Add rampant augmentation technology that will render many citizens unthinking lethal weapons and the ever-present threat of the Predator, and it’s a recipe for fresh government.”

In Chang’s chilling second scenario, China’s ruling party will simply decide it’s no longer worth it and wander off elsewhere.

“You first started to see this kind of political ennui  set in when Hu [Jintao] came to power and called off plans to renovate Zhongnanhai,” he said, referring to the Central Beijing eco-dome where most of China’s politicians are bred.

According to Chang, the CCP compound hasn’t been updated since Deng’s day,  its harem is  down to 400 girls from Qinghai and most buildings are in dire need of a fresh lick of paint.

But construction of a new 30-slide water park and brick-for-brick reproduction of Sanlitun Bar Street was halted in 2004, Chang says. China’s cadres are in real danger of growing bone-weary of constantly having to “save” China and its economy.

“Many of them want out. They look at Africa, at places like Niger and Somalia, and think: ‘That’s what I’m talking about’.

“Nor,” Chang added, “is China positioned to take full advantage of the upcoming Singularity.” This concept, beloved among tech-geeks, promulgates scientific advancement reaching such a point in the near-future that  humanity is essentially rendered godlike.

“The increasing speed of technological advancement will see Man transcend mere physical form to live as immortal beings of a digital universe.  But Anhui’s still going to suck.”

Chang’s final throw of the dice is the most likely scenario, and will probably  happen “before 4012.”

“There will be a ‘solipsism failure’ – call it a glitch in the matrix,” Chang postulated. “Everyone will finally become self-aware.

“If none of that happens, though, something else will,” he added. ” Of that we can be certain.”

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By XIAO YUNYU
Religion Correspondent

The Dalai Lama, pictured here in a recent dream by former Tibetan governor Qiangba Puncog

Lhasa (China Daily Show) — Fearing “a looming horde of separatist jackals,” the Chinese Ministry of Atheism today announced new measures intended to penalize religious separatists ad apocalytum.

The auspicious initiative comes just a week after the exiled Tibetan government named Harvard scholar Lobsang Sangay as their new elected Prime Minister. Sangay, 43, has never set foot in Tibet but announced yesterday that he is “looking forward to a warm welcome from the Chinese” when he pays his debut visit.

The Anti-theist Regulation officially defines unsanctioned resurrection, transubstantiation, heavenly visitation, divine investiture of authority and all other “acts of super-sedition” as state crimes, punishable by “eternal damnation to the eighteenth generation.”

“Those contemplating a return to mortality with the intention of undermining China’s territorial integrity should first consider the welfare of the eternal souls of their ancestors,” warned the newly appointed Minister of Atheism, Pei Gundan.

Chinese citizens seeking reincarnation or resurrection for legitimate purposes, Pei added, “must first apply in person at their local PSB with their national ID card, two to three hundred passport photos, a certificate of health inspection, handwriting sample and lock of hair.”

The applicant must then embark on a “transnational quest to the four corners of the Motherland” for the requisite chops, culminating with the bestowal of a post-mortem hukou in the secretive Holy Hall of Holies in the Great Hall of the People, Tiananmen Square.

Final approval of the permit requires “scientific proof of reincarnation” — an act which may itself contravene article 14 of the new regulation, Pei emphasized.

Since seeking retirement, the Dalai Lama says his new life, which sees him spend much of his spare time relaxing in a Thai beach hut-cum-bar between naps and massages, has “helped bring some perspective to my futile shenanigans,” according to His former Holiness.

Anxious Chinese Catholics, concerned that the new policy may affect the Eucharist’s transubstantiational power in their personal lives are now re-thinking their attendance at weekly services.

Beijing worshipper Augustina Feng, 33, said that, after a long chat with local police, she had come to agree that public worship, evangelism and other acts of religiosity are tantamount to “selling one’s soul to the foreign Devil.”

But she hasn’t lost her sense of humor: “Previously, when I took the Eucharist, I enjoyed eating the flesh of Christ in preparation for the world to come,” said Feng. “Now, I prefer to ‘human-flesh-search’ Chinese dissenters in exchange for a monetary reward on Earth.”

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Dear Mormon missionary working undercover in the PRC,

I’m a mechanical engineer from Brazzaville working at a state-owned company and have been having an affair with a married Chinese co-worker. She is now pregnant and unsure of the paternity. DNA testing is expensive and potentially unnecessary, so we’ve decided to wait and see if the child has a big nose and full lips. If so, there will be hell to pay, but I’ve said I’ll do whatever she needs or wants me to do.

My question is, if the bastard is indeed mine, is he or she legally Chinese, and thus the property of the woman’s husband? If so, is there anything legally binding me to the financial care of the child, or should I start looking for work in Vietnam?

Right woman, Wrong time

Dear Brother Wong,

My favorite book just so happens to be an ancient record translated from gold plates

The idea that Mormons marry more than one woman is a misconception. They officially abandoned the practice in 1890. Intimate relations with a woman who isn’t your wife pretty much sends you to ‘heck.’ You should take that up with your priest at your denomination of choice, assuming you attend church. You do attend church, right? Which one, if you don’t mind my asking?

If you’re free this Sunday, say around 9:00 A.M., there’s a place I go every week near Xibahe where lots of expats (bring your passport) gather for talks—kind of like a book club. Sometimes the US Ambassador shows up. At least he used to. After that, I could meet with you occasionally during the next week or two to tell you about my favorite book. I’m free Tuesdays and Thursdays? Or how about Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays?

Oh, frak, did you say Brazzaville? That’s in the Congo, right? Look, if you’re busy, I understand. Come to think of it, I’m pretty busy myself all next week. Aw shoot, just forget everything I said.

Last week: Ask a paranoid foreigner working at a state-owned enterprise

Next week: Ask a police chief trying to defect

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