by SHENG DANJIE
Consumer Correspondent

Shoppers peruse novelty Noel bollocks

DONGGUAN (China Daily Show) – The West may be facing its least-tacky Christmas in living memory, thanks to the recent slump in Chinese exports.

The ongoing Eurozone crisis, combined with disappointing unemployment figures from the US, have reduced demand for cheap, plastic seasonal ornaments manufactured in China by an estimated 46%, a recent World Bank report says.

Manufacturers in China are consequently feeling the pinch.

Hundreds of production lines in the Zhejiang and Guangdong factories, that produce the unsightly plastic bullshit which festoons European and American homes every year, are said to be standing idle.

Experts say this could mean the West’s most tasteful Christmas period in over two decades – when China first began to manufacture camp festive trinkets on an industrial scale in 1991, according to market analysts.

Market researcher Anders Hönigsen says that the recession will harm nearly all sectors of the Yuletide tat industry.

“Internally illuminated plastic dioramas of the first Nativity, multi-coloured spray-snow globes and animatronic, talking Santas: you name it,” Hönigsen told China Daily Show. “You won’t be seeing much of this crap in landfill come next year.”

This tacky fire hazard could become a thing of the past

First to feel the pinch will be the retailers of spindly, pathetic, artificial Christmas trees (pictured, left), experts say.

“These items already represented an utterly fruitless purchase for over 60% of median-income American and European households,” Hönigsen said. “Fortunately, they have now become unaffordable as well.”

With holly-and-ivy prices stagnant, a European mistletoe glut and reports of unprecedented three-for-one offers on IKEA pine-scented wax candles, it seems that – like it or not – many Western families will this year be spending the upcoming Christmas period surrounded by low-key, traditional decorations that can be recycled, and later enjoyed, again and again.

The thought has struck fear in the heart of the commercial sector.

Factory bosses are already hoping to reassure foreign importers that, at the last minute, Western consumers can probably be counted upon to revert to type and mindlessly purchase valueless ornaments – manufactured using precious mineral reserves – to ensure a Christmas as commercialized and soulless as any other.

RIP traditional headwear. But what will women wear now?

“We’re delaying our annual, tasteless churn-out until all our orders are through,” claimed Wang Li, president of Wang’s Harmless Toys, a tat company based in Dongguan, Guangdong province. “Waiting stimulates demand, which guarantees production of endless cut-price kitsch.”

Business leaders in Europe are appealing for families spending the holiday season together not to focus on the simple, homespun pleasures of Christmas, but instead to remember the importance of arguing over how much was spent.

“We may need to ratchet up future advertising, so next year’s Christmas marketing bonanza begins in, say, late August rather than early September,” said Alan de Soto of the European Retailers Association.

“Otherwise, we will be faced with the ugly spectre of a so-called modern Christmas – one with homes garlanded by holly, candles burning on the mantlepiece, carols sung around a living, natural tree, and the restrained enjoyment of good food and drink in the bosom of one’s family,” de Soto shuddered. “That’s not what Christmas is all about.”

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An Asian child puts the finishing fake touches to a uniquely shitty tree

By QU XIE
Dissident Correspondent

Ambassador Gary Locke briefly considers whether now would be a good time to drop the bomb

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It seemed a rare moment of success for both US and Chinese officials: a deal to allow a fugitive activist, who’d escaped rural detention to seek refuge at the US Embassy, had been grudgingly agreed – all against a dramatic backdrop of trade talks and a media frenzy.

The catch? American diplomats have still to break the news to dissident Chen Guangcheng that many popular US institutions – such as equal rights, better education and Santa Claus – are not really true.

Chen is expected to begin his studies at New York University after China issues him with proper travel documents.

Speaking over the phone on condition of anonymity from the US Embassy this weekend, a diplomat told China Daily Show that they intend to break the news to Chen “soon. Not yet. Only when he’s ready.”

In the background, an embassy party was clearly in full swing: champagne corks could be heard popping, amid cries of “It’s go time!”and  “U-S-A!” over a Ted Nugent soundtrack.

The celebratory atmosphere was, perhaps, understandable.

The tense 24-hour negotiations had followed a fraught five-day diplomatic wrangle, which came about after an utterly unspeakable two-year illegal detention, that ensued because of a despicable four-year jaywalking sentence, all the result of a vomit-inducing campaign of forced abortions and sterilizations in Shandong province.

Beijing has hailed it as a victory for rule of law. The moment has been marked in the country’s own idiosyncratic way, with activists being detained and at least one foreign reporter expelled.

Many activists in China continue to hold the US in high regard – due, in part, to the ridiculously low regard in which they hold China. This can result in many believing that the US is a fantasy land where fairness and human rights romp free, experts say.

“I’ve actually heard some of them say that America is a beacon of truth, justice and democracy,” one lawyer admitted. “I haven’t the heart to correct them.”

Last week, Chen is said to have told Hillary Clinton he was “looking forward to meeting Santa Claus.” Friends now say this was a misunderstanding and Chen meant to say he was looking forward to “meeting President Obama.”

“One can totally understand the mistake,” the diplomat admitted. “A lot of American voters also used to think the same thing.”

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By LAO SHOUXING
History Correspondent

Lord Shang (390-338 BC) enjoyed the occasional slay ride

XIAN (China Daily Show) – He may be as American as apple pie and as much a part of Christmas as the latest Call of Duty but according to one scholar, the real Santa Claus was actually Chinese.

Using information found in his attic, and backed-up by extensive research online, historian and sanitation worker Lin Kang has traced Santa’s history to 223 BC – and the Middle Kingdom.

Lord Shang Ke was an ancient figure, famous as the first man to codify China’s legal system in his Book of Law. Santa Claus is most likely a Roman bastardization of ‘Shang Ke’s Laws,’ Lin believes.

Said to have roamed the country during the early Qin Dynasty, dispatching “bribes to those who were naughty and punishments to those who were nice,” Shang is revered in schools today as the father of Chinese autocracy.

But the draconian Shang was also famed for ramming dissenting scholars into chimneys and roasting them alive, and enslaving Japanese tourists – or “dwarf people” – to do his bidding.

Lin says these traditions were spoilt by Westerners, who instead made Shang – or “Santa” – an avuncular figure, whose elf-run workshops deposit Japanese-made electronic goods on the hearths of well-behaved children.

“Shang ran a sweatshop and he ran it good,” said Lin. “The irony is the tradition has now come full circle. We churn out cheap, lead-based goods to be consumed by gullible foreign children. As a consequence, we’re  the world’s number-one export economy. Shang would probably have approved –but if he didn’t, he’d have chopped your head off.”

The real-life Shang was eventually executed after falling out of imperial favor, and supposedly torn asunder by horses. Lin speculates this might explain the “reindeer thing.”

The tradition was most likely stolen during the chaotic civil war that followed the collapse of the Qing dynasty in 1911, Lin says. Visiting executives from the fledgeling Coca Cola Company allegedly paid 400 taels for the recipe to an ancient medicinal brew called kela – the story of Lord Shang was later appropriated by the firm’s Shanghai advertising department.

“Foreigners stole our land, our precious artifacts and our tyrannical historical figures,” Lin lamented. “They can keep the vases but we want the good stuff back.”

Shang’s modern ancestors have announced they intend to sue Coke for copyright infringement but IPR lawyers suggest the family may be willing to settle the case for a large quantity of Sprite.

And while some experts have questioned the veracity of the claims, Lin says documents proving his theory have been authenticated by none other than historians Hugh Trevor-Roper and Gavin Menzies.

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