By SUN WUKONG
PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) – Wasteful American Military Drains Mass Resources in Attempt to Rescue Undecorated Soldier has put writer, director, producer, cinematographer, composer, vocal artist and NoKay-pop star, Kim Jong-il, back on the 38th parallel.
In what’s being called “the mirth-ride of the last ten thousand glorious years” by North Korea’s national film critic, and “a roll-on-the-floor laugh-fest of Kubrickian proportions” by the North Korean Ministry of Truth, the Dear Leader’s re-envisioned comedy of Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-winning film, Saving Private Ryan, earned an estimated 2,717,589 won ($19,000) over the weekend.
The ht reboot pulled in literally dozens of involuntary cinema lovers to Pyongyang’s single-screen mega-multiplex, who used up all of their subsidized Cinematic Enjoyment and Reflection on Dear Leader’s Glorious Artistic Legacy Ration Coupons to see the film again and again and again.
Wasteful American Military preserves much of the original film’s footage, with the original dialogue re-recorded by Kim Jong-il, who personally provided nasal, falsetto voices for every American soldier in the film’s central squad.
Breathtaking new battle scenes, directed and inter-cut by Kim, depict the US military bowing down to North Korean forces at the film’s glorious conclusion, “for tongue-on-cheek historic metaphor,” said Kim.
“You’ll love how the feeble Americans fail to maximize human-wave tactics on Omaha Beach,” said national film critic, Jop Chae-seok, in the Pyongyang Hourly Bugle. “They blanch at the mere sight of blood, agonize over insignificant losses, and rely on futile capitalist tactics to capture enemy pillboxes, rather than trusting the divine will of their Dear Leader and charging forward, machine guns armed with sturdy pitchforks.”
Jop struggled to identify a single, stand-out moment in the “hilarious” three-and-a-half-hour masterpiece, but laughed uncontrollably when recalling that “when the American devils do not torture the captured German to death but instead allow him to go freely, only to run into him again later in the film firing guns at them!” was particularly amusing.
Kim Jong-Il’s publicist, Iris Herzog — whom North Korea denies was kidnapped from her Beverly Hills home in 1997 to serve the reclusive movie executive in his gilded Pyongyang palace — released a statement to China Daily Show, insisting that “although the running time is extended by nearly an hour, the Dear Leader only had to make minimal changes to enhance the comedic value of this rare example of American artistic ability.”
Such changes include: duck calls dubbed over the impact of bullets in American soldiers’ bodies, a slide-whistle when a German trooper slides a knife into a US soldier’s neck, and an Edith Piaf gramophone record in the original replaced with the North Korean national anthem, which “stirs the hearts of the craven American dogs with its glorious power,” according to Herzog.
The film’s epilogue features a stern Kim somberly reminding North Koreans to “remain cold toward the custard-livered Americans, even as we laugh at their brilliant slapstick.”
In a departure from his comedic works, the Dear Leader hopes to break box-office records again later this month with his upcoming traditional Christmas horror film, S*L*A*S*H, in which a “fully representative faction of American military surgeons” descend upon Pyongyang with AIDS-bespeckled scalpels.
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