By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

You have the full transcript of Wen Jiabao discussing holiday plans? Just leave it on my desk

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Senior Politburo members ordered Bo Xilai’s removal after learning that he had eavesdropped on every tiresome aspect of their personal lives, sources have revealed.

Disgraced former leader Bo ran a widespread wiretapping operation that extended up to China’s president, it has recently been claimed.

When top leaders learned of his activities, they were mortified to realize that Bo knew every dull detail about their lives: from how they shampooed their carpets to the subjects – but not the grades or teacher’s comments – on their high-school reports.

President Hu Jintao’s right eyebrow is said to have started quivering slightly, after learning that details of his two-hour daily nosehair-plucking regimen had been overheard and ruthlessly ridiculed by Chongqing security police.

An exhausting 300,000-word dossier, available as a seemingly endless pdf, was delivered to the nine-member Standing Committee in early March, where each was embarrassed to learn of the others’ desperately dreary private lives.

Bo’s wiretaps were initiated as an anti-crime crackdown in Chongqing but soon widened, in order to pull in dirt on fellow politicians – as well as to see whose alliances lay where.

The flamboyant Bo had hoped to build up a J Edgar Hoover-style dossier on his rivals that would make him politically unassailable.

But the operation went into decline, after Bo learned that his surveillance team needed to switch shifts every two hours just in order to stay awake. “What is this vanilla bullshit?” Bo was overheard roaring at a meeting with top policeman Wang Lijun. “Get me the good stuff!”

“There’s only so much information you can do with the knowledge that Zhou Yangkang’s hair dye causes his scalp irritation, due to a mild soap allergy,” said a senior academic with close ties to the Party. “Other than to offer an aloe vera alternative.”

The details that have emerged from the wiretaps are already being described as “political Valium.”

Party spokeswoman Jiang Yu spends most of her nights reading and annotating reports from the Foreign Ministry, except on Thursdays when she attends Marxism classes, for example. Foreign minister Yang Jiechi prefers to makes visits to his elderly mother on the second Sunday of every month – the meets are described as “mostly uneventful.”

Bo did hit paydirt last December, it has been revealed, when operatives tapping Jiang Zemin’s phone finally learned the secret recipe for his ‘Seven Treasures’ dumplings.

Bo was adamant he wanted all the details on the Li Keqiang fisting rumors

“Bo’s wife, Gu, served Jiang his own dumplings when he visited,” an eyewitness claimed. “Jiang stopped chewing and his eyes widened for a second. But when he realized he hadn’t been poisoned, he finished the meal with relish.”

Bo was removed from his post in April and his secret files have since been dumped in an academic recycling plant in Chengdu.

“It’s all very humdrum stuff, not interesting at all,” said a top Party academic. “This is the main reason Chinese media doesn’t write anything about the private lives of the top leaders.”

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By Xiao Niao
Rumors Correspondent

A new photograph of Neil Heywood has emerged that appears to show him reporting live from Chongqing

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Foreign media was last night scrambling to find a credible source for a series of sensational allegations made on Chinese websites that suggest Neil Heywood was actually killed by a foreign-intelligence dwarf.

The claims were made on Redrants.com, an offshore Maoist forum that has continually claimed deposed politician Bo Xilai was the victim of a frame-up by Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials.

Citing sources deep within the circus community, Redrants says that British businessman Heywood was in fact killed by a “poison dwarf” hired by the CIA on the orders of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

“The dwarf did the bidding on the word of the lizard Cameron, we are told,” said the explosive article, which has already received several ‘likes.’

“Afterwards, he ate all the evidence and crept back out. Then the evil mini-me planted hundreds of documents and billions of dollars into the house and bank accounts of Gu Kailai, while she peacefully slept, unaware of the Black Paw.”

Gu is Bo’s wife, who stands accused by the CCP of murdering Heywood over an “economic dispute.”

If true, the stunning accusations would explain  delays by the UK Foreign Office in requesting an official investigation into Heywood’s demise in Chongqing last November, as well as bolstering the claims of China’s beleaguered neo-Maoist faction. If false, it will be extremely disappointing.

“This information is stunning, an absolute game-changer,” said political media analyst Charles Ding. “All it lacks is any evidence.”

But one Chinese official was more than happy to go on the record as saying the claims were definitely false.

“This definitely contradicts the evidence that we’ve been making up,” said junior Chongqing Banyan Ministry cadre Ting Luo. “Please stick to our story.”

Whatever the case, the awesome new allegations will certainly provide fresh grist to the mill for hundreds of foreign journalists, many desperate to put food on the table by providing anxious desk editors with fresh Heywood bombshells.

“This should keep us going for weeks,” chuckled one British reporter. “It’ll probably cost Cameron the dwarf vote as well.”

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A special China Daily Show investigation

Spy? Businessman? Bagman? Murdered? Hungover? We could go on

BEIJING, CHENGDU, DALIAN (China Daily Show) – The encrypted telegram came in the early hours of the morning. “Mate, I’m sorry about last night…” it began. The implication, though, was obvious: 41-year-old Neil Heywood’s death in a Chongqing hotel room in the twilight hours of a balmy November night was no accident.

It was murder.

Most probably.

To try to uncover  the  truth, our anonymous investigative team set out to China. But in modern-day China, under a secrecy-obsessed Communist regime, the truth is rarely pure and never simple.

We flew to Dalian, the eco port-city in northern China, where the deposed Politburo member Bo Xilai is first said to have met Heywood, a British businessman who did business things in China.

Residents seemed to just go about their business blithely, seemingly unaware that, just years previously, at some location somewhere in this modern coastal city, Bo was introduced to Heywood, likely shaking his hand, neither aware they had just made a fateful pact that would end in corruption, double-dealing, death – and hot, steamy sex.

Most people we spoke to either didn’t know what we were talking about – or weren’t saying. The atmosphere of intrigue and silence was claustrophobic. There was no sign of any Harrow-educated, Aston Martin-driving expats anywhere to be seen.

Rattled, we departed for Chongqing, determined not to give up until we had at least one good, juicy, vague, anonymous quote.

Chongqing, the mountain megacity of 30 million, nestled next to the sensitive border regions of Tibet, is a sizzling hotbed of crime, criminals and criminality, with a dash of sleaze. Yet on our visit, a pervasive wall of silence met our inquiries, according to our interpreter.

It is in Chongqing, where Bo was Party Secretary, that the shadowy Heywood may have helped Bo’s son, Bo Guagua, learn English, and aided his entrance to Harrow School, by turning up with a big bag of money and asking if Bo Guagua could go to Harrow School.

But Heywood’s life here was so secretive, he didn’t even have a Facebook account, making it near-impossible to find out what he was up to.

According to reports, Bo’s wife, Gu Kailai, ordered the intelligence-affiliated Heywood to divorce his wife and swear an oath of fealty to the Bos. When Heywood nobly refused, he was immediately killed – one year later.

“It’s obvious, innit?” said an Englishman who claimed to have met Heywood briefly in a hotel bar but who refused to give his name, for possible fear that he may be in danger. “He was givin’ ’er one. Then the ’usband found out and… I mean, why else would you ask for ’im to divorce? Stands to reason. Yeah.”

Armed with this stunning revelation, we returned to Beijing. But as Heywood’s family continues to tearfully protest that he died of natural causes from a congenital heart condition, the suspicious environment on the streets of the capital tell a different story.

A smoggy cloud covers up the spring sky and a chill wind of fear runs through its narrow hutong avenues – an Englishman died somewhere in these strange lands and we can only speculate and conjecture as to why and how. And that is what we will continue to do, until something else comes along.

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By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

Bo Guagua: apart from the occasional gaffe, said to be a lonely, sensitive man

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has moved to erase the Internet, after the son of disgraced official Bo Xilai reversed his red Ferrari over a 16-year old migrant worker during a special live edition of hit dating show If You Are The One.

Bo Guagua’s appearance was originally scheduled to be a low-key affair, with Bo bicycling into the studio whistling an upbeat revolutionary tune and carrying a posy.

But a bizarre series of mishaps, multiple rewrites and production purges led to Bo instead being winched via crane into the open-air studio in a specially commissioned red-and-yellow Ferrari.

“Everything that could go wrong did go wrong,” said a witness. “The chain started to break, Bo panicked and started the engine, the car was in reverse gear, the worker wandered on set at precisely the wrong moment… un-fucking-believable.”

The ‘perfect storm’ of online outrage immediately which ensued, termed ‘Memeageddon’ by digital experts, sent China’s rumour-hungry blogosphere into meltdown, forcing the government to wipe the entire Internet in an attempt to conceal the scandal and calm the situation.

After receiving the go-ahead from the Politburo, the PLA’s Internet division has executed Order 66, a reserve strategy designed to neutralize any domestic scandal of a magnitude capable of destroying the Party in a single devastating stroke.

The Order has only been used once before, in 1996, when a webcam in Jiang Zemin’s bedroom accidentally broadcast the elderly leader in his underwear, dining on the corpse of a young virgin.

UPDATE: [Editor’s note: Without Internet, we are forced to rely on traditional newsgathering forms, rarely practiced today. As a consequence, much of the information is sourced from ‘conversations’ and ‘interviews,’ unverifiable by Wikipedia]

It has emerged that Bo’s appearance was part of a special edition of the popular dating show If You Are The One, approved months previously by China’s Ministry of Culture – or MiniCull, as it is popularly known – at the urging of Bo’s publicity-hungry father, Bo Xilai.

The show’s exact content may never be known, however, due to the complete eradication of all records. However, the migrant worker has been identified as Li Huiling, a young Chengdu girl in search of a wealthy husband to help pay for kidney treatment, after being poisoned by a frozen dumpling at the backstage buffet.

FURTHER UPDATE: More news on Order 66, the executive directive to erase the Internet, points to an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) detonated in the Earth’s upper atmosphere, designed to instantly knock out all digital communications and erase the entire Internet, along with all records of the incident. Reports from Chongqing indicate the entire If You Are The One studio was also taken out in a tactical missile strike.

However, during the 18-minute window between the incident occurring and the wiping of the Internet, the episode, which aired simultaneously on several hundred video-exchange sites, was re-tweeted 8.2 billion times, effectively reaching every computer user on the planet at least once.

More alarmingly, the simultaneous re-tweeting reached critical mass seven minutes in, creating an electronic signal several times more powerful than the world’s highest-grade radio telescope, beaming the footage onto every mobile telecommunications device on Earth, as well as deep into the far reaches of space.

Experts are divided on the implications for China.

“It’s very hard for the Party to come back from something like this,” said analyst Russell Simes. “The image of a princeling’s sport car crushing an innocent girl to death on live television is very powerful. You’d need at least a good, clear, fresh upskirt of Angelina Jolie to shift that from your mind.

“Unfortunately, such images are illegal in China.”

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By FOX KAHN
Technology Correspondent

Disillusioned Ira Glass fans prepare to resume work on the factory line

CUPERTINO (China Daily Show) – A barely suppressed sense of gratitude is in the air among executives this week at Apple and Foxconn – and it’s directed, for once, at the US media.

For years, working at Apple’s PR office had been the easiest gig in the world, with the company not bothering to comment on any development unless it was part of a meticulously stage-managed Apple event.

Over the last year, though, journalists have spoiled much of the fun for everyone, asking pesky questions about the methods of Apple’ manufacturing, mostly centered on the Foxconn plant in Shenzhen, China.

An extensive New York Times investigation into the “iEconomy” found evidence of Apple’s willful ignorance towards abusive conditions, though failed to unearth any “smoking gun.”

Nevertheless, PR execs at Apple’s California headquarters were annoyed.

“Why the Times couldn’t just keep taking our free iPads and giving them largely adoring reviews, tinged only with slight, techy misgivings, I don’t know,” asked chief press officer Jessica Goldblum.

But it took a one-man play, The Agony and the Ecstacy of Steve Jobs by monologist Mike Daisey – which was extensively profiled in January on This American Life – to really put the vinegar in Apple’s soup.

In just six days, with no media experience, the English-speaking Daisey uncovered crimes at Foxconn’s Shenzhen plant that hundreds before him had missed. Shocking allegations included underage labor, Hexane poisoning, armed guards, incest, bestiality and a vibrant culture of Satan worship.

The revelations plunged Apple into crisis mode, as renewed public scrutiny forced the company to question its methods and bottom-line culture under public scrutiny.

To the relief of many, all that’s over now. After some of Daisey’s revelations were proved false, a combination of sloppy fact-checking followed by near-hysterical overcompensation has taken the headlines off Shenzhen – and onto US journalism.

“This is the break Apple has been waiting for,” said Goldblum. “We can finally catch some rest, while the press corps tears itself apart.”

Corporate executives are not the only ones enjoying some welcome relief from the spotlight. A depressed Joseph Kony is also said to have “bounced back,” following repeated viewings Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell masturbating naked in a San Diego street.

The advocacy group’s hugely popular “Kony 2012” video, in which Russell urged Western leaders to hunt down the Ugandan war criminal, had initially left Kony “bed-ridden with the blues.”

Now “Joe is back to his old self,” according to a close friend. “There’s nothing like seeing some hotshot bullshitter flame out to put a downtrodden evil bastard back on his feet again!”

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Denying the allegations, an official said that the Caymans' beaches aren't as nice as China's

By LUO GUAN
Railways and Corruption Correspondent

GRAND CAYMAN (China Daily Show) – Despite a recent report that detected “no signs of life” at the Ministry of Railways, a  blueprint has been leaked to foreign media that shows an unannounced – but ongoing – new project.

The secretive high-speed rail line, that directly links Beijing to the Cayman Islands, was confirmed yesterday by officials from the island chain, who added that they welcomed their new numbered-account holders.

“This modern technology means that someone will be able to take a gigantic bung today to ignore basic safety procedures,” said a spokesman from Mafiabank, “and be on a bullet-train the next day, just in time to arrive for cocktail hour.”

The news has not been reported in China, however, for fear that it might contradict the findings of an advanced scientific probe sent into the Ministry of Railways, following the disastrous high-speed rail crash in July in Wenzhou that killed at least 40.

The probe reported back that there was “absolutely no sign of intelligent life whatsoever” at what remains of the world’s largest reactionary Stalinist bureaucracy. The words prompted officials to immediately begin burying news of the crash and replace reports with updates about the ongoing good weather.

“The citizens are thirsty for ice-cream – not depressing news,” scowled one spokesman at a recent press conference. The government is keen to move on from high-speed rail scandals, experts say, fearing that a hush-hush project, connecting state offices to a remote tax haven without an extradition treaty, could easily be misconstrued.

Nevertheless, news of the top-secret railway has prompted one department to respond with the final word on the matter.

“There is no further comment necessary, as this is a private line and will never be open to the public,” pointed out the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

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By Nan Che
Food and Drink Correspondent

Most Chinese prefer to order their tainted meat in bulk, out of the back of a lukewarm station wagon

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – Pork that doesn’t taste like beef, milk that doesn’t make you grow breasts and non-lethal steamed buns – such things are unusual, even anathema, to many Chinese food shoppers.

So it came as a shock to housewife Zheng Wen, 37, when she recently purchased a batch of minced pork that was apparently unadulterated with chemicals, unnecessary toxic additives or carcinogens.

Zheng suspected nothing when she bought the pork at her local supermarket. Most Chinese supermarket trolleys are equipped with Geiger counters to reassure customers of their products’ toxicity.

“But when I brought the meat home, I put it in the kitchen and turned the lights off. I was shocked when it didn’t then light up like a souvenir from Chernobyl,” a shaken Zheng told China Daily Show.

“At that moment, I knew something was wrong.”

Supermarket bosses have since apologized and offered to replace the purchase with a year’s supply of unspecified meat product from Hunan, believed to be platypus.

Meanwhile, experts have reassured Zheng – and the greater public – that her pork was the exception, rather than the norm.

“China’s food industry is buck-passing around the clock to ensure that every foodstuff meets minimum safety requirements,” said Professor Fu Bao,  a supply chain management expert at Beijing Normal University.

“From money-hungry slaughterhouses to corrupt regulators, complacent local governments to apathetic outlets, every possible effort is made to ensure goods achieve maximum profit with minimum regard to our fellow countrymen’s health.

“Occasionally, though, standards may unintentionally rise when something slips through the net,” Fu admitted, with a weary smile. “Alas, there’s always one good apple.”

For Zheng, however, the damage was already done. “From now on, I’m buying my products from somewhere I can trust: Russia.”

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By HUAI SHASHOU
Crime Correspondent

Police answer a tourist's questions in Beijing yesterday

DONYANG (China Daily Show) – The family of a suspected thief who died in custody have expressed their disappointment and anger at an official police report which concluded their son died from “breathing too much.”

“At the very least, [the police] could have come up with a credible excuse, like a fall down the stairs,” Ma Yonghuan, 58, told reporters. “This insults the memory of my son. He was an asthmatic and couldn’t breathe much anyway. Couldn’t they have just said he had an asthma attack?”

Ma Yipeng, 17, was arrested by police in Donyang, Zhejiang Province last month trying to make off with a side of beef, following a collision between two tricycles carrying grocery supplies.

After being held for six days, police told family members that Ma went to sleep in his cell normally on the evening he died. Officers later discovered him “breathing heavily and clearly on the way out.”

Attempts to save Ma by throttling him failed and he was declared dead by officers shortly after.

Oxygen overdoes are unusual in China, where the air is mostly composed of recycled carbon dioxide and microscopic toxins.

The report, however, is the latest apparent episode of Chinese police taunting victims’ families by proffering ridiculously poor, inept and lazy excuses for deaths in police custody.

In 2009, Li Qiaomong was detained for illegal tree-felling in Jinning County; police attributed his sudden death to “a game of hide-and-seek” gone wrong. One Hebei Province inmate died after “suddenly drinking cold water” while in Guangdong Province,  a suspect fatally “slept under a quilt.”

Rumors now abound of a book being run among officers nationwide for whoever can come up with the most insulting report.

In January, Wuhan police chief Yin Zuo reportedly received a 20,000 yuan payout from peers after explaining the death of a prisoner, referred to only as P, as having “slept-walked into a punching machine left out by two officers trying to demonstrate how [Chinese UFC fighter] Zhang Tiequan beat up Jason Reinhardt again and again.”

One child, suspected of quarreling with his parents, was last month left in a coma after losing “an argument with his brain,” according to officers in Anhui Province.

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By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

Dashan is rumored to have leased ad space on his forehead to pay for the surgery

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Dashan fans are said to be “stunned” following revelations that comedian and performer Mark Rowswell, aka celebrity cross-talk “comedian” Dashan, may have had cosmetic surgery on his name.

Few in China don’t admire the handsome moniker “Mark Rowswell”, which the beloved Canadian celebrity sometimes goes by. But revelations made by famed surgeon Dr Yi Dingjian claim that Rowswell’s name has undergone cosmetic enhancement.

“You can always tell,” said Yi. “He probably had the work done when he was much younger. It’s not a clean job.” Yi believes that as a young, ambitious cross-talker, Rowswell – then going by the far less sexy name “Roswell” – went to an illegal backstreet surgeon to amplify his flat, boyish name.

“We can all see the results,” says Yi. “Listen to those curvy vowels: the second ‘w’ turns a bony ‘o’ into a sensual ‘ohhhh’. I just wish he’d admit it.” By failing to do so,  Yi claims, Rowswell is sending out a hypocritical message that celebrities’ names are just “born” that way.

Dashan has a huge influence on consumers and many young foreign visitors deeply admire his trend-setting ways. A 2006 endorsement of a luxury baiju brand apparently led to sales tripling in the Sanlitun area, to twelve bottles.

“There’s probably some young guy out there right now called Deng or something, staring at a picture of Rowswell’s name, thinking his could never be that alluring. But for just a few thousand yuan, he could be ‘Dwen,’ a potential star of tomorrow,” Dr Yi told China Daily Show.

Not everyone shares Yi’s certainty that Rowswell’s name went under the knife, however. One blogger, who describes himself simply as “The Watcher”, claims that Rowswell’s enhanced name is the result of a clever prosthetic attachment.

“It’s uncanny, and you’ll notice the font is almost identical to the usual, human typeset,” he told this reporter. “But occasionally Rowswell will forget the extra ‘w’, or if you say it vigorously and repeatedly, the ‘W’ can even come off mid-sentence. You’ll probably find it at the bottom of your notes.”

“The Watcher” has no doubt as to the origin of the clever prosthetic. “It’s not of this earth,” says The Watcher. “I have to be careful what I say, but it’s certainly of alien design.”

Rowswell’s agent, Kathy Duan, was dismissive of the claims but did say that the story behind Rowswell’s curvaceous moniker would be revealed in a forthcoming autobiography, tentatively entitled Never Stop Smiling, to be published by the Pattaya Press next year.

“Mark is right now prepping for a Cross-Talk Grand Prix in Shanghai for September, then of course you’ll see him on the CCTV New Year show re-runs. After that, he’s free for the rest of the year.”

One Canadian tourist, speaking under condition of anonymity, told China Daily Show that, “Prosthetic name or not, I for one welcome the fact that Dashan has given the Chinese something else to associate Canada with, other than seal meat.”

w

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent

Rumors that Shou Shou might appear were confined to a desultory image of Chen wordlessly flicking through a car-model catalogue.

HONG KONG (China Daily Show) – Loyal staff in disgraced actor Edison Chen’s retinue are said to be “disgusted” after the star recently proffered them new sex snaps featuring “inferior production quality and content” in lieu of cash.

The new material, described as “deeply disappointing,” is said to include grainy footage of Chen’s seemingly unaware ayi bending over to empty a wastepaper basket, filmed from behind a Venetian blind.

Housemaid Jenny Wang had been hoping to buy an LCD television and a “fistful of toys” with her Christmas bonus from Hong Kong actor-singer employer Edison Chen but was last night having to consider other options.

“Edison used to be so generous,” Wang told China Daily Show. “Tips, bonus, perks – you name it. But this month, after working overtime several nights, I found a signed CD of his all-time greatest love songs in my envelope instead of the usual paycheck.”

According to sources, the erstwhile star has a history of using “Chen-morabilia” as a form of currency ever since his giant career suffered a massive setback in 2008, when thousands of explicit photographs erupted on the Internet featuring Chen in sexual poses with various well-known Asian actresses.

Recent examples include paying for a steak dinner with a lock of hair, settling a poker debt using the leather jacket he wore to the premiere of Dog Bite Dog and reaching a deal with angry bailiffs by offering his entire back catalog of unreleased experimental hip-hop in place of interest payments.

But the value of such trinkets is said to be declining. One staff member watched aghast as online bidding on a pair of black swimming trunks, worn by Chen on the cover of the May 2005 issue of Invasive, a celebrity gossip magazine, started and ended with her “enticingly low” offer of 0.99 HKD.

The star plowed millions into security following the pictorial emissions, but staff say Chen has so far had little luck arousing interest from new Chinese starlets in his upcoming independent project, “Untitled Edison Chen Film.”

He has therefore had to devise other ways to fill up the cracks in his dwindling financial situation.

Gardener Paul Kwong described his initial excitement on being handed several CD-ROMS marked “Unseen 12/05/09 HOT!”

“Edison said, ‘The lawn’s never looked so good: enjoy. Merry Christmas,’ then slapped my buttocks playfully,” Kwong recalled. “When I got home, I rushed upstairs to my computer, thrust my disk into the slit and readied myself for some celebrity split-beaver.”

Instead, Kwong watched a five-minute film of Chen’s two golden retrievers –Raspy and Mittens – engaged in shambolic, abrupt sex while being filmed on a mobile phone, during which Chen could be overheard breathing heavily.

“The camera was bobbing up and down uncontrollably,” said Kwong, who stopped viewing when the picture became too blurry and unfocused to properly enjoy.

“It was more ‘ruff, ruff’ than ‘woof woof’,” he later complained to reporters.

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