By Minzhu Jiao
South China Seas Correspondent

A typical Scarborough newsstand yesterday

LUZON ISLAND (China Daily Show) – The ailing reef print-media industry suffered a blow this week, after a newspaper announced record losses just one week after publishing its first edition.

The Scarborough Bugle, incorporating the Panatag Shoal Times-Inquirer, was launched last week at a glamorous press conference held on the barnacle-riven peak of South Rock.

With a venture-capital injection from Aquino Asset Management of around 40 million pesos, the Bugle announced it was aimed at bringing readers “all the patriotic news and views fit to print in the Scarborough Shoal Bay Area.”

The debut issue launched with a cover splash pledging loyalty to the Philippines and an exclusive interview with Economic Secretary Arsenio Balisacan. Inside, a two-page spread revealed that Lethal Weapon 2 had been confirmed for a long-awaited cinematic release on Scarborough in July.

Investors had hoped the Bugle would pick up offshore readers from the nearby Spratly Sun, which was forced to close last year amid allegations of conch-hacking.

Initial sales have proved disappointing however, with the 32-page daily newspaper struggling to sell even a single copy on the godforsaken atoll.

At newsstands across the 150-square kilometer shoal, the level of consumer disinterest was said to be disappointing, even by Scarborough Shoal standards.

“I’ve seen more activity among the mono-cellular marine life in a stagnant lagoon,” one disgruntled vendor reported.

Bugle staff say they are baffled at the lack of success.

“It’s really hard to understand – the market is wide open. There’s pretty much zero competition,” said editor-in-chief Bentley Wilson III. “But the wankers just aren’t picking up a copy.”

Despite scoops such as ‘Scarborough officials to boycott chopsticks’ and ‘Giant wave washes away capital city,’ the newspaper posted losses of 80 million pesos within just hours of going to press.

Nightlife editor Pipa Sipin nevertheless predicted that sales would likely bounce back after the tourist season began.

“Though when exactly that is, it’s hard to say,” Sipin added. “But if you hear of any bar openings, drop me a line, would you?”

Headlines such as ‘Pet Seagull Missing’ failed to tempt readers

The losses may cause the publishers to cancel an upcoming Sunday literary supplement and replace the food correspondent, after a ‘101 best starfish recipes to crunch your way to that beach body’ feature led to widespread illness in the newsroom.

Wilson has promised an aggressive marketing campaign to be plastered across local coral reefs, targeting passing fisherman and Chinese naval patrols.

With this publicity tactic comes the fear of Chinese reef review rip-offs, however. “It’s a fucking nightmare,” admitted Sipin.

Editor Wilson remains defiant.

“A lot of people said that launching a daily newspaper on an uninhabited and partially submerged group of rocks in heavily disputed oceanic territory was just plain foolish,” Wilson admitted.

“They’re all wrong. I’m now more determined than ever to prove that maritime print-media still has a strong future in the deep abyssal plains of the Luzon Sea.”

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By HAI SHANG SHILI
South China Seas Correspondent

MANILA (China Daily Show) – The most excruciating military stand-off since David and Goliath may finally be resolved, thanks to a tatty map found in an old toy chest in some admiral’s attic.

The map is conclusive, kindergartners agree

Following a tense stand-off between Chinese and Philippine naval forces off Scarborough Shoal this month, state media reported the stunning revelation on all 764 news channels.

“Got the bugger!” declared Admiral Pu Anyu of the People’s Liberation Army Navy, as nationwide broadcasts beamed the image of a moth-eaten map – drawn during a patriotic history class by Pu, aged four – live into the country’s unimpressed living rooms.

“I knew it was here somewhere,” the Admiral commented.

“I’m just going to have a rummage and see what else is up there,” Pu continued. “I really hope mother didn’t throw away all my Red Guard trading cards. They’re probably worth something by now… especially if they’re still in the original packaging.”

The CCTV broadcast swiftly cut to the studio, cutting off the admiral’s reminiscences, where a panel agreed the find was “Historic” – with two experts firmly agreeing and one violently agreeing.

The two countries have been at loggerheads over the rocks since last month, when Chinese vessels intervened to stop the arrest of  fishermen working in the 55km disputed area, located 132 miles from the Philippines and thrice that distance from Hainan.

The area is rich in mineral deposits and marine life, with the surrounding waters said to be bristling with horned sharks, bramble whales, dogfish, ratfish and six-tailed squid.

This week, China dispatched a fleet of eight lightly armed patrol boats to ensure that a Filipino fishing trawler, currently anchored near the shoal, doesn’t pull any funny business.

The US has also been unwillingly reeled into the dispute.

Pentagon officials were yesterday forced to deny any involvement in the escalating tensions, after a group of Americans, sporting buzzcuts and floral chemises, were spotted frolicking near a Filipino beach resort.

The possible presence of any off-duty US Marines has nevertheless discouraged China from sending further warships to ramp up aggression.

Adolescent youths and amateur history buffs on the mainland immediately took to their keyboards at news of the recent cartographic discovery.

Most netizens agreed that the map – in addition to a text message sent by a former Filipino diplomat to his Sichuanese ex-lover, and an offhand remark overheard at a Norwegian embassy party last month – confirmed China’s irrefutable claim on the region.

The scrawled crayon illustration by Admiral Pu clearly shows a map of China and its surrounding nations, with a line stretching across the South China Seas to a shoal of submerged boulders, near the Philippine Islands, marked ‘Hangyoo Iland’ [sic].

“The war’s over. Everyone go home!” trumpeted the front page of Thursday’s Beijing Daily, with a subheadline qualifying: “Except any Filipino maids – we still need you.”

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Norwegian scholars are baffled as to why China wants one of its least interesting lakes

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — The Chinese government today ramped up diplomatic pressure on Norway by claiming an obscure fjord as “sovereign Chinese territory.”

Erskyrykærøyfjord, in the region of Sogn og Fjordane, has long been known by locals as a peaceful and wholly uninteresting body of water.

But all that changed this morning during a press conference held by China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

“New research has come to lighting which conclusive show that Erskyrykærøyfjord is actually Chinese waters, not of the Norway,” said Foreign Affairs spokesman, Ma Shangsha, “and has been so since time immoral.”

According to Ma, the new research is based on an obscure 14th-century Yuan Dynasty map “and other conclusive, contemporary document,” which reference the fjord and its surrounding areas as “Genghis Khan’s favorite whoring sector.”

According to China, the two-kilometer square area was comprehensively conquered in 1349.

“The evidence have proved that the Norway fjord is, was, and always will be sovereign Chinese territory,” the Ma said. “China will not tolerate any attempt to restricting the reunify of all of Chinese territory, and strongly urge Norway to support the One-China politics.”

The announcement is part of a series of stringent measures against Norway, following the country’s award of the Nobel Peace Prize to controversial Chinese dissident and human-rights campaigner Liu Xiaobo, currently serving a 10-year sentence for penning Charter 08, a petition urging gradual political reform.

China has cancelled meetings with Norwegian fisheries ministers and warned diplomats against attending the awards ceremony.

Most recently, Beijing also banned Norwegian salmon fishing off the coast of the Diaoyu Islands, a move described by experts as being both a “thawing of Sino-Japanese relations” and “completely pointless.”

The PS'd version of the map, clearly showing a conquer date of 1349 or thereabouts.

In an interview with China Daily Show, noted Sinologist, philanthropist and historian, Sir William Buckfast said that the territory in question may, in fact, actually be Mongolian.

“The map, if ultimately proven legitimate, would indicate that the Erskyrykærøyfjord actually belongs to Mongolia, not China,” Sir William gently pointed out.

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