By FOX KAHN
Technology Correspondent

Although Ho dresses and acts like a king douche, friends say he is misunderstood, or merely drunk

(CHENGDU) China Daily Show – A wealthy Sichuanese youth has signaled his absolute determination to purchase the latest, as-yet unreleased, Apple product, regardless of its actual form of function.

“I wish to buy 50 of whatever,” Ho Bai, 19, told reporters. “Two for me, one for each of my girlfriends.”

Ho (pictured, right) says he is not bothered or informed by any of the rumors surrounding the upcoming September 12 launch of the latest Apple iPhone 5.

“I don’t care if it has dial-up Internet and no text-message function,” Ho declared. “I’m going to be flaunting my new Apple thing in Starbucks on launch day by lunchtime at the latest.”

The new gadgets will take up a fraction of Ho’s September shopping budget of $200,000, all to be spent on meaninglessly extravagant purchases.

These include riding lessons for Terminator – Ho’s Tibetan mastiff – commissioning a pair of bespoke, alligator-hide cowboy boots that will sit boxed and unused in a closet for years, and the impulse acquisition of a second Maserati in which Ho will ultimately meet his fiery death six months’ hence.

Outside Apple’s factory headquarters in Shenzhen, meanwhile, security seemed significantly heightened.

Rows of shaven-headed workers could be glimpsed through the Foxconn factory gates – beneath the slogan “Work will set you free” – filing sorrowfully past a waxwork model of the company’s late founder, Steve Jobs, arranged in the exact manner of his death: sat up in a queen-sized hospital bed, wearing a black turtleneck sweater and angrily clutching a Samsung Galaxy S3 prototype.

Working conditions at the factory in China are the subject of much controversy – none of which bothers Ho.

“The new operating system could be powered by a Vietnamese kid on an exercise bike, for all I care,” he admitted. “Just so long as it’s overpriced and over here.”

As ever, though, secrecy surrounds the actual nature of the company’s new phone.

But the latest rumor suggests that the iPhone 5’s voice-activated personal assistant service, Siri, will come with the new option of four different Mandarin personalities for China: Passive-Aggressive Friend, Scheming Co-Worker, Alcoholic Boss and Oddly Flirtatious Cousin.

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By BERT N’ERNAI
Relationships Correspondent

Jiang says she has spent her whole life waiting for this moment

DONGGUAN (China Daily Show) – In a move that has stunned long-time observers of the Professional Mistress League (PML), notably lissom arm-candy Jiang Bingfling, 16, has been been promoted to the Beijing Premier Division.

The fragrant rising star of Shenzhen’s “Mistress Village,” Jiang – known as the ‘Camomile Concubine’ –has been a mainstay of the vibrant southern boomtown’s Lo Wu district league since she qualified aged 13.

The trade was officially announced as being made to an “anonymous Beijing bureaucrat,” in exchange for two future draft-picks for Jiang’s former owner, the Hong Kong playa and tobacco-flavoring millionaire, 63-year-old Vincent “Sammy” Kwok.

The ernai exchange followed months of tense negotiations, which began after Kwok told friends he was “looking for perhaps a bit more variety” to complement his Guangdong-based PML league.

The PML has been mired in controversy since actress Zhang Ziyi, a long-time friend of disgraced politician Bo Xilai, publicly transferred herself to nearby Hong Kong. The move was widely seen as an attempt to disprove allegations that she was the PML’s top scorer, boasting payments of $1 million per match.

Jiang’s new bureaucrat-boss is believed to be Hu Yong, 55, head honcho at the Beijing Department of Floral Science. Sources say Hu has had his eye on the long-limbed Jiang since seeing her perform at an after-hours trade meeting in Guangzhou with Kwok, and now wanted to “put another kind of appendage on her” – namely, his wrinkled mouth.

“Though he had already heard tell of her deft moves, Jiang’s skillful throat and innocent talent for the songs of both Cantonese “heavenly angel” Wang Fei [aka Fay Wong] and Mandopop hit-machine Jolin Tsai endeared her to Hu’s heart forever,” said the friend. “He wanted to bang her on the spot, but instead began formal negotiations with Kwok shortly after.”

Hu says he is looking forward to playing away for much of this season

Kwok, who had talent-spotted Jiang in a KTV bar six weeks earlier, is said to be delighted with the deal.

“Sammy felt the relationship had gone as far as it could go,” said a source to Kwok. “Jiang was also seen as very last-season. There’s no shortage of rural talent in Shenzhen and seemingly no end to Sammy’s wealth and peremptory boredom.”

Jiang will receive a two-bedroom furnished flat in Beijing’s exclusive Diaoyutai No 7 Complex in Haidian district, jade goods worth an estimated 20,000 yuan and unlimited free Wifi. In return, she is expected to provide “agreeable and demure comforts” to Hu in the sporadic moments when he can slip away from his wife, family, official duties and numerous other mistresses.

“It’s a great deal for Jiang,” said a top PML agent. “Hu’s last girlfriend went on ‘the great shopping trip to the sky,’ after threatening to blackmail him.”

The lucky Lolita seemed to agree.

Speaking from a bath of asses’ milk and lotus petals, between long periods of tedium and plaiting her hair, Jiang listlessly told China Daily Show she was “grateful for the opportunity” and is currently hard at work perfecting her puppy noises.

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