By LONG TAO
Spring Festival Correspondent

Grandpa Jin appeals for witnesses, by displaying a copy of an equally cherished 2003 copy of CCTV Chunwan that he just found in his shed

ZHENGZHOU (China Daily Show) – The fireworks are still exploding over the village of Nanren, Henan but for one family, there will be no celebrations this year.

The Zhou household’s enjoyment of this most sacred of Chinese festivals has been destroyed, friends say – by an act of theft despicable even by Henan standards.

As their neighbors ready themselves for the traditional Lantern Festival, marking the official end to the Year of the Dragon, the Zhaos’ lives have come to a standstill, as the 12-strong clan contemplate the whereabouts of a much-treasured DVD.

The four-hour film, a recording of CCTV’s classic 2004 New Year’s Eve Gala, – known as ‘Chunwan’ – had apparently been left in its usual place: underneath a pile of other DVDs, at the back of a closet, in Auntie Wen’s old bedroom, when it was reported absent.

“Grandpa Jin immediately raised the alarm,” said Uncle Han. “But it was already too late. That disc was gone, baby, gone.”

Grandpa Jin (pictured, right and below) says the DVD is all but irreplaceable, and contains such vintage acts as Brother Balloon – a  clown with the magic ability to craft balloons into shapes vaguely resembling animals – and a 20-minute skit featuring a young, married couple.

Grandpa Jin trawls the web for extant copies of the critically acclaimed Gala

“This was a classic Chunwan, made in the days before gay jokes. The good old days,” Jin explained.

“We have appealed on the Internet for replacement copies but to no avail. Clearly, no one else is willing to part with their precious copy of Chunwan 2004.”

“Some netizens even mocked us,” Jin added. “They still have the gift of laughter – alas, we no longer do.“

Local police have appealed for witnesses, in an attempt to solve a mystery that has baffled the Zhao family for an entire day.

“Who would do such a thing?” wondered one neighbor. “Seriously – who? I’m genuinely curious.”

Others offered their own theories.

“It’s probably been cleared up, along with a bunch of other useless stuff we never use. and chucked out, then maybe picked up by a passing vagabond collecting trash, or something,” said the Jins’ 14-year-old daughter, Peng. “I really don’t think we should get the police involved. We should just move on and forget it. We should definitely not dust for fingerprints.”

But Grandpa Jin observed that there was no other explanation for the errant disc than a criminal act of theft.

“The cops should tear this town apart until they find the devil that did this,” vowed an emotional Lao Jin. “I, for one, will not rest until the culprit faces justice – or at least goes to court.”

Local police seem to be satisfied that foul play is not involved, however.

“The one thing we did before this case was even opened,” said one officer, “before we even got here, in fact, was rule out theft.”

Follow the hunt on Twitter with @chinadailyshow or send tips to cds@chinadailyshow.com

Police take a break from the hunt by helping out with a little girl’s homework

By CHUN GE
Spring Festival Correspondent

Ji bought enough fireworks to supply a Guangdong rebel village for a week

HARBIN (China Daily Show) – A Dongbei man has defended his decision to spend roughly half his family’s annual income on fireworks, amid criticism that the country’s orgy of New Year fireworks is growing ever-more pointless and environmentally dangerous.

Ji Guang, a 47-year-old food vendor and father of three, admitted he’d dropped nearly 2,000 yuan on a box of 25 Deng’s Delight Catherine wheels.

Ji told media he also spent 1,500 yuan on Roman candles, plus a hundredweight of Thunder King firecrackers – described by manufacturers as “guaranteed to delight neighbour, shock the Grandma and terrify dogs and small children.”

But Ji denied spending a further 3,000 kuai on a variety pack of luxury artillery shells, arguing the true figure was “more like 2,800.”

Ji said that his proposed Spring Festival show – which experts estimate will last between three to four minutes at best, not including a week of maddening, post-Chunjie firecracker displays – will provide vital memories for his children’s future.

Nutritionists point out that, without proper daily doses of vitamins and protein, his children may not have much of a future.

“Fireworks are a vital part of Chinese culture, which it has fallen upon me to protect,” said Ji. “The children will be fine – the suppliers threw in a box of traditional instant-noodles completely free, as I’d spent over 5,000 yuan by that time.”

And Ji added that his bulk purchase also qualified the family for a corporate gift: a specially commissioned, limited-edition, natural chrysanthemum stone that he received at no extra charge, other than postage, packaging and a reasonable handling fee.

“This is now a precious family heirloom. In the long run, financially, it’s bound to be worth skimping on pork and vegetables for a few months when you consider the stone,” said Ji as he cradled the misshapen item. “Just feel its weight:  the equity on this baby must be, literally, priceless.”

According to his neighbours, however, this isn’t the first time Ji has made an extravagant gesture around Chinese New Year. Last year, he ploughed much of his parents’ savings into a doomed caviar-dumpling enterprise, convinced the rural Heilongjiang market was ready for luxury chunjie goods.

Most of his sturgeon failed to spawn, however.

And a crate of General Wu Rebel Rockets (4,800 yuan/12) Ji provided for his village’s Year of the Rabbit celebrations proved something of a damp squib, with many failing even to ignite. As one eyewitness recalled, “We were promised a fireworks orgy – it was more like watching a bunch of eunuchs.”

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By CHUN GE
Spring Festival Correspondent

Cops help a petitioner whose sign reads ‘Will pelt Apple store with eggs for one-way ticket to Gansu’

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Zhang Lu did not have to wait long.

Standing in Tiananmen Square with a giant placard reading ‘Shandong government, give me back my land,’ it took just thirty seconds for a team of plainclothes police officers to arrive offering assistance.

Two hours later, Zhang was on a train enjoying a hearty meal, paid for by the guard escorting him home. Yet the 28-year-old migrant worker was delighted. For the first time in years, he’d secured a ticket home for Chinese New Year – and he hadn’t had to pay for it either. “I don’t even own any land,” he grinned.

Zhang’s tale is not an untypical one. In a country whose continuing obsession with the annual Spring Festival get-together has become a source of untold misery for those unable to find an affordable handrail home, more and more workers are exploiting the government’s obsession with stability to score a free handrail back.

The situation is at breaking point, experts warn. Bosses frequently withhold vital wages – or abscond with payrolls – after construction jobs finish. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Transport’s recent introduction of an online booking system, requiring real-name registration, has simply made scalpers’ jobs easier:  few of China’s nearly half-billion web users are minimum-wage laborers.

Posing as a petitioner, though, virtually guarantees an instantaneous journey to the provinces, courtesy of the central government.

Petitioning – the official airing of grievances, often by traveling to the capital to plead a case in person – is an archaic, judicial last-resort in China, designed to side-step its skewed court system and offer possible redress to the wronged. In fact, however, it often results in plaintiffs being kidnapped and sent home – and for many migrant workers, that’s the ideal result.

“It was probably worth it,” said Jie, an avuncular grandmother who works as a traditional Chinese dentist in Beijing, touching the numerous bruises on her face. Jie gave up hope after queuing at a train station for three days without success. A friend suggested she saunter through Xidan wearing a ‘Free Wukan’ T-shirt.

Workers queue hopefully outside a booth selling tickets to queue at another station selling tickets

“I got the usual sustained beating and lost a couple of teeth – but there’s no other way I could have gotten any standing room to Changsha this late in the day,” Jie mused.

With the petitioning scam now simply the latest migrant craze, Jie observed, it’s already getting harder to make an impact. “Next year I’ll probably have to light myself on fire,” she sighed.

In fact, the main drawback to the scheme, says Zhang, is having to attend the festival itself.

“Since I got back to my family, I’ve only been asked two questions: how much money have you brought for us, and when are you going to get married? I’m beginning to think it wasn’t worth having my balls whipped with a car aerial for two days, after all.”

Follow this and other breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By HUI JIA
Foreign Correspondent

Evacuated workers smile as they touch soil on China after fleeing Libya's oppressive regime

TRIPOLI (China Daily Show) — The Chinese navy has dispatched three warships and two transports to return several thousand Chinese nationals from Libya, after widespread reports of “violent homesickness” among workers there.

The migrants, who had been working in the northern city of Benghazi, contacted officials in China requesting “immediate evacuation.”

Admiral Han Ruilong of the People’s Liberation Army Navy, speaking from the deck of the Zhang Hue 4, now loaded with evacuees on their way to the Suez Canal, told state media that the evacuation was not connected to the ongoing Libyan uprising.

“After months of happy and productive work, Chinese workers missed their families and homestyle cooking,” Admiral Han said. “Therefore, the government decided to bring them home, as a kind of Spring Festival surprise gift.”

Family members back home told China Daily Show of their concern for the comfort of their relatives in Libya. “They are coming, God help us, they are coming!” were the hysterical words of Jiang Jiefang, 44, as related by his wife, Chen Dujuan, during a phone call last week.

According to Admiral Han, “they” refers to the “weekly visit of supply trucks at the mutual development project where Jiang works.”

In an act of supreme patriotism, Jiang decided to stay in Libya indefinitely to help supervise the evacuation, Admiral Han added. Despite this, Chen says she has been unable to get through to her husband since his last conversation was cut short by the sounds of “traditional loud Arab greetings.”

“Due to the important national security nature of my husband’s work, I have been asked never to refer to him in public ever again,” Chen told reporters, her eyes filled with tears of pride.

Libya’s leader Muammar Gaddafi appeared on state-owned television reports, gesticulating on the balcony of his Tripoli palace while helicopters circled overhead, to discuss the situation.

“I am deeply sorry that these great contributors to African development must return home,” Gaddafi was quoted by CCTV News as saying, while he shook his fist remorsefully. “China must truly be a wonderful place to provoke such a sudden rush of homesickness.”

As thousands of grieving citizens are being transported from Tunisia and Egypt, media analysts are warning that a “domino effect of violent hankering” appears to be sweeping the Middle East.

The Chinese government has warned of equally concerning outbreaks of sudden wistful yearning among disaffected and poorly treated migrant workers in China’s urban areas.

This is also not the first time Chinese officials have mobilized the country’s military in response to her citizens’ sense of longing.

According to the Ministry of Information, the PLA was mobilized in 1989 after several hundred thousand students visiting Beijing became stranded when touring the Forbidden City.

In central Beijing Sunday,  security officials were handing out free water outside one McDonalds restaurant to anyone who expressed signs of heartsickness.

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