By FOX KAHN
Technology Correspondent

Although Ho dresses and acts like a king douche, friends say he is misunderstood, or merely drunk

(CHENGDU) China Daily Show – A wealthy Sichuanese youth has signaled his absolute determination to purchase the latest, as-yet unreleased, Apple product, regardless of its actual form of function.

“I wish to buy 50 of whatever,” Ho Bai, 19, told reporters. “Two for me, one for each of my girlfriends.”

Ho (pictured, right) says he is not bothered or informed by any of the rumors surrounding the upcoming September 12 launch of the latest Apple iPhone 5.

“I don’t care if it has dial-up Internet and no text-message function,” Ho declared. “I’m going to be flaunting my new Apple thing in Starbucks on launch day by lunchtime at the latest.”

The new gadgets will take up a fraction of Ho’s September shopping budget of $200,000, all to be spent on meaninglessly extravagant purchases.

These include riding lessons for Terminator – Ho’s Tibetan mastiff – commissioning a pair of bespoke, alligator-hide cowboy boots that will sit boxed and unused in a closet for years, and the impulse acquisition of a second Maserati in which Ho will ultimately meet his fiery death six months’ hence.

Outside Apple’s factory headquarters in Shenzhen, meanwhile, security seemed significantly heightened.

Rows of shaven-headed workers could be glimpsed through the Foxconn factory gates – beneath the slogan “Work will set you free” – filing sorrowfully past a waxwork model of the company’s late founder, Steve Jobs, arranged in the exact manner of his death: sat up in a queen-sized hospital bed, wearing a black turtleneck sweater and angrily clutching a Samsung Galaxy S3 prototype.

Working conditions at the factory in China are the subject of much controversy – none of which bothers Ho.

“The new operating system could be powered by a Vietnamese kid on an exercise bike, for all I care,” he admitted. “Just so long as it’s overpriced and over here.”

As ever, though, secrecy surrounds the actual nature of the company’s new phone.

But the latest rumor suggests that the iPhone 5’s voice-activated personal assistant service, Siri, will come with the new option of four different Mandarin personalities for China: Passive-Aggressive Friend, Scheming Co-Worker, Alcoholic Boss and Oddly Flirtatious Cousin.

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By FOX KAHN
Technology Correspondent

Disillusioned Ira Glass fans prepare to resume work on the factory line

CUPERTINO (China Daily Show) – A barely suppressed sense of gratitude is in the air among executives this week at Apple and Foxconn – and it’s directed, for once, at the US media.

For years, working at Apple’s PR office had been the easiest gig in the world, with the company not bothering to comment on any development unless it was part of a meticulously stage-managed Apple event.

Over the last year, though, journalists have spoiled much of the fun for everyone, asking pesky questions about the methods of Apple’ manufacturing, mostly centered on the Foxconn plant in Shenzhen, China.

An extensive New York Times investigation into the “iEconomy” found evidence of Apple’s willful ignorance towards abusive conditions, though failed to unearth any “smoking gun.”

Nevertheless, PR execs at Apple’s California headquarters were annoyed.

“Why the Times couldn’t just keep taking our free iPads and giving them largely adoring reviews, tinged only with slight, techy misgivings, I don’t know,” asked chief press officer Jessica Goldblum.

But it took a one-man play, The Agony and the Ecstacy of Steve Jobs by monologist Mike Daisey – which was extensively profiled in January on This American Life – to really put the vinegar in Apple’s soup.

In just six days, with no media experience, the English-speaking Daisey uncovered crimes at Foxconn’s Shenzhen plant that hundreds before him had missed. Shocking allegations included underage labor, Hexane poisoning, armed guards, incest, bestiality and a vibrant culture of Satan worship.

The revelations plunged Apple into crisis mode, as renewed public scrutiny forced the company to question its methods and bottom-line culture under public scrutiny.

To the relief of many, all that’s over now. After some of Daisey’s revelations were proved false, a combination of sloppy fact-checking followed by near-hysterical overcompensation has taken the headlines off Shenzhen – and onto US journalism.

“This is the break Apple has been waiting for,” said Goldblum. “We can finally catch some rest, while the press corps tears itself apart.”

Corporate executives are not the only ones enjoying some welcome relief from the spotlight. A depressed Joseph Kony is also said to have “bounced back,” following repeated viewings Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell masturbating naked in a San Diego street.

The advocacy group’s hugely popular “Kony 2012” video, in which Russell urged Western leaders to hunt down the Ugandan war criminal, had initially left Kony “bed-ridden with the blues.”

Now “Joe is back to his old self,” according to a close friend. “There’s nothing like seeing some hotshot bullshitter flame out to put a downtrodden evil bastard back on his feet again!”

Follow this and other China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By FOX KAHN
Technology Correspondent

Steve Jobs (1955-2011) RiP

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — His entrepreneurial gifts and relentless spirit of innovation earned him the adulation of millions of Chinese.

Now Steve Jobs’ Middle Kingdom fans plan to show their respect for the late Apple guru by not buying his company’s new phone.

“Steve showed his own opinion of the 4S by dying immediately after it was announced,” one passerby, outside the company’s flagship Beijing store, said. “A slightly faster processor and voice activation? Please.”

Fans had waited months to view the latest incarnation of the bestselling smartphone, only to discover there wasn’t really one.

“How would complete strangers know I’d splurged three months’ salary for the new one?” asked one furious businessman.

“Steve would have wanted us to have a completely new kind of phone, one that might help bring about democratic reform,” was the opinion of another fan, too grief-stricken to give her name. “I won’t besmirch his memory by wasting money on an expensive gadget that looks just like the last expensive gadget I wasted my money on.”

Throughout the crowd gathering to lay flowers for Jobs — who died of pancreatic cancer Thursday — opinion was nearly unanimous: the  former Apple CEO was a creative genius but his new phone was not.

“They could have made it bigger, smaller, blacker, whiter — anything,” said Gai Bian, a 29-year-old IT worker.

The iPhone 4S Siri voice-activation service has been greeted cautiously by the market, with Apple shares taking a slight dip following the announcement last week.

But charity groups for the mentally ill have welcomed the software, saying it will help remove the stigma for those crazy people who already mutter incessantly to themselves in public.

Superstitious numerologists are meanwhile warning customers against purchasing the ominous “S phone,” given that its model number, four, is a Chinese symbol of death.

“What does 4S mean? It means ‘Die, Steve,’” wrote expert blogger Shu Tiao. “Thanks, Apple!”

Many said they would instead be putting their faith in finding a Chinese equivalent of the global Apple brand.

“Keep your eye on Lenovo,” said tech analyst Mo Leng. “They’re bringing out their own LePhone 5, except it’s got a dual-band TV, stylus, free ringtones and a working lighter. Now that’s innovation.”

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