By JONAS WHALE
Culture Correspondent

Conroy is now considering the consequences of his forgetfulness over a cigarette break

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A foreigner who came to China to study the culture has admitted he “completely forgot” about last weekend’s Dragon Boat Festival.

American student Dwayne Conroy instead says he spent the last three days watching US television, instead of doing whatever it is the Chinese do to mark the holiday.

Conroy told China Daily Show that he has been “immersed in Chinese culture” for nearly six months but had still not been prepared for the annual summer festival.

“I completely missed it,” Conroy admitted, his eyes red with apparent emotion. “All the festivities. The traditions. All that shit… missed it all.”

Conroy blames his unusual lapse on the long-discontinued HBO series The Wire. 

“I happened to mention to a buddy of mine from the States, Carl, that I had never seen the show,” Conroy recalled. “He seemed personally offended that I hadn’t.

“The next thing, I knew he just turned up at my dorm Thursday night with a DVD box set, a carton of Cheerios and a bag of the good stuff. Then he said he wouldn’t leave until we’d watched at least two seasons.”

In the event, Carl stayed until Saturday, then fell asleep.

“Carl woke up at two that day, looked at his watch and bolted out the door. He left the DVDs behind, though, so I kinda ended up watching them.”

In the ensuing Wire-athon, Conroy admitted neglected both his studies and his girlfriend but says “all that’s under control” now.

“The one thing I can’t forgive myself for, though, is missing this ancient festival, which dates all the way back to 2008,” Conroy continued, looking sorrowfully out of a nearby window. “Man, I am such a doofus.”

Conroy admits his lapse of memory was particularly insensitive at the time, as the festival has only recently been retrieved by China after being stolen by the Koreans.

Conroy did at least make up for some of his remissions by preparing his own form of zongzi, the special glutinous rice dumplings usually enjoyed on Dragon Boat Festival, while adding his own “special ingredient.”

“I’m gonna bake it for my Chinese in-laws next year,” a bleary-eyed Conroy vowed for the third time. “It will most likely blow their minds.”

Conroy then paused to ask what he was talking about, before resuming his thread.

“I will totally get involved in next year’s festivities, whatever the hell they may be,” Conro enthused after a brief period of unconsciousness. “I’m trying to convince my Chinese family right now to race a home-made boat to Shenzhen.

“Man, I’m gonna love Duanwu Jie.”

As for The Wire, it’s unlikely the show will come between Conroy and his beloved cultural heritage again.

“It’s OK but it’s pretty darn slow,” Conroy complained. “I’ll probably just stick with watching quality stuff in future, like True Blood. Or maybe… no, I’ve forgotten.”

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BY DU QISHI
Health Correspondent

Public bathroom – or death trap? For many, it’s a bit of both

GUANGZHOU (China Daily Show) – A group of female sophomores – angered at conditions in their campus restrooms – suffered a setback yesterday, after three of their members died during a protest.

“‘Occupy Restrooms’ was never going to end well,” shrugged local police chief Xi Zheng. “This tragedy could have been prevented if more men had been consulted.”

At least six female students began to suffocate during a proposed four-day movement in the male lavatories at Guangzhou Number 4 HGV Training University this week.

The “Occupy Restrooms” protesters, a nod to the anti-Wall Street group, are complaining that long queues for female toilets are unfair. But, as of yesterday, waiting for a slash was the least of their worries.

Campaign organizer Wang Yu, 19, and five others succumbed to flatus eighteen minutes into their heavily publicized squat-in. Officers eventually dragged them to safety but three later died.

The incident brings the total number of deaths in Chinese toilets this year to 189. With the country facing growing water shortages, local governments have been instructed to take a ‘hands-off’ policy towards cleaning public bathrooms.

Critics point out that maintaining appalling hygiene is a costly business. Surplus methane gas from factory farming has to be pumped in via concealed vents, animal corpses smeared on walls weekly and floors must be doused several times a day with ammonia and menstrual blood.

But economists point out that not cleaning restrooms also frees up enormous quantities of caustic chemical fluids, which can be used in China’s food and beverage industry.

To drive the message home, a national-level campaign has been mounted to discourage people from using public bathrooms. “Take a step backwards; then another. Now walk out the door,” reads one, while another simply asks: “What’s wrong with the gutter?” Several public hospitals are even offering a free set of anal stitches with selected childbirths.

The campaign is aimed at diverting funds to the “shocking shortcomings” in facilities provided for public officials. Shi Xiaobian, an expert, said that China’s government buildings lag behind those of Japan in terms of providing safe, comfortable, computer-assisted bowel relief to the elite.

“Some visiting officials are being denied the lavender soap when they visit provincial-level buildings,” he said. “This has to change.”

Last year, one senior offical reported that a malfunctioning bidet caused him to miss the turtle course at an important banquet. Another is even suing his own department, claiming that a lack of quilted two-ply in the handicapped bathroom had had disastrous consequences for his silk long johns.

But there was some good news, Shi added: a rural campaign to promote shitting in the street had “gone viral.”

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