By SAO GOODMAN
Crime Correspondent

Confiscated from the site were four bootlegged seasons of AMC

WENZHOU (China Daily Show) – Police were last night hunting a trio of drug dealers after a botched batch of traditional Chinese methamphetamine (TCM) unexpectedly exploded, killing two and singeing the eyelashes of one.

Witnesses in the thriving business city of Wenzhou reported smelling smoke and fragrant herbs before the explosion. A camper van was seen hightailing it out of the area, tires squealing, shortly after the makeshift laboratory went up in flames.

Local cops quickly released the names of three suspects: Hai Zengbo, 52, his wife Si Kailuo, 47, and 26-year-old acolyte Ping Meng.

Police began to suspect the team of cooking TCM after plainclothes officers observed Ping purchasing large boiling cauldrons and suspicious amounts of lizard scales, bat wool and anhydrous ammonia from a neighborhood dispensary.

TCM is a popular cure in China used for common ailments such as fatigue, loss of libido, boredom and wealth. Users typically feel euphoric and productive before losing most of their teeth and moving in under a bridge.

Constant gurning was one of several problems Long Marchers faced

Chinese meth was once also a favorite remedy against fatigue for sentries guarding fortifications such as the Great Wall.

Ming General Qi Jiguang is among several well-known historic tweakers, and Mao Zedong’s Red Army medics reportedly whipped up several batches just prior to the Long March of 1934. Subsequent paintings depicting peasants grinning and waving during the arduous journey (left) are historically accurate.

According to police, Hai is a chemistry teacher who had fallen on hard times after his wife was duped into letting a snake bite her repeatedly to cure her of an obtuse case of passive aggressiveness.

When all of Hai’s hair fell out, he was forced to go into drug dealing to pay for a costly series of mostly useless traditional Chinese procedures.

Police say Hai then recruited one of his former students, Ping Meng, 26, a college drop-out and former race car driver, now on the look-out for a new direction.

Ping’s extensive contacts in the endangered wildlife trade made the unlikely pair a perfect partnership for a TCM bonanza. But that all came to an abrupt halt this weekend when Ping, apparently seeking to narrow the gang’s pseudo-echinacea margins, attempted to cook using the grungier “hot pot” method, while Hai was dozing.

Also known as the “shake and bake,” the technique involves pouring all the ingredients into one large container and stirring vigorously, which increases the risk of spontaneous combustion due to the proximity of unstable qi to the heat source.

Hai is now said to be “hopping mad” with Ping.

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By ZOU MIAO
Fashion & Style correspondent

Deng’s workout group sit eating for 10 hours before a mine collapse kills three

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – “A police officer chased me half way around the city and then beat me mercilessly,” says Mia Xin. “I’m down 20 pounds!”

So run adverts popping up all over popular microblogging websites such as Weibo in recent weeks, sparking a new feeding fad: the Migrant Worker Diet.

Mia is one of millions of young Chinese particpating in the new diet-and-exercise regimen that is taking China’s urban centers by storm.

The thousands of illegal coalmines outside of Beijing are packed to the brim with tracksuits.

“They say inspectors are going to come in with baseball bats and shut this coal mine down, maybe maim a few people,” said Deng Liubao, a lumber exporter from Kaixian county, Chongqing municipality. “I’ll need to find a new gym.”

Under the extensive rules of the regime, practitioners can only spend 10 yuan a day on box meals, are forced to kneel for pay cheques and must  hitchhike to another city at weekends or whenever they see an authority figure. Practitioners are all but forbidden from enjoying any kind of sex life.

Deng intends to hitchhike to Yiwu, Zhejiang Province to crack bricks on a building site and will continue doing so until he can fit back into his high-school jeans.

The diet is the latest brainchild of mung-bean farmer and dietitian Professor Jin Xiaoxin, who is said to have come up with the revolutionary regimen after closely observing migrant workers naked.

“With my diet, anyone can have a physique rippling with pure muscle,” said Jin. “Minus the vacant, soul-crushing stare, of course.”

Migrant workers are said to comprise 1 in 4 residents of first-tier cities such as Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing. Many may consider this 200 million-strong army of labor a poorly treated, highly disposal workforce that is often sidelined for political and economic expediency – for others though, they may be the perfect way to fit into that wedding dress at the last minute.

Even foreigners are getting into the mix. Jennifer Pepper from Des Moines, Iowa and a teacher in Shanghai, says that she lost over 12 pounds in one week after she started moonlighting at a building site.

“I can’t really leave the city. So, I’ll have to turn to other, more domestic options here in Shanghai,” she said, stripped to the waist and soaked in sweat and brick dust on a Pudong construction site. She added that after the Spring Festival, dietary options often dry up in the city. “But there is a hairdresser on my way home from school that should do until I find another building project.”

Professor Jin’s diet is also an appealing change to the office grind familiar to China’s legions of urban white-collar workers. When news of his next fashionable food habit leaked onto the Internet – dubbed the “Dissident Diet” – the Jin Company’s servers crashed under the demand.

But Professor Jin is keeping the Dissident Diet close to his chest. When asked by China Daily Show, all he would reveal is that hopeful dieters should stock up on jump suits.

Tylenol  contributed to this story

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By RANDY MAJORS
Environment Correspondent

Bigfoot was said to be popular with local men for allegedly possessing aphrodisiac qualities

KUNMING (China Daily Show) – It’s a mystery that’s puzzled naturalists and fascinated the public for thousands of years.

But this weekend, the riddle of Bigfoot – known in China as ‘Yeti,” ‘Wild Hairy Man” or ‘Abominable Snowman” – came to a heartbreakingly mundane conclusion, after a chance visit to a Chinese hotpot restaurant found the legendary ape-man an apparent staple on the menu.

Adrian Hamilton, 33, had been tracking Bigfoot rumors in China for the last decade and was on the verge of concluding a critical sponsorship deal that would have allowed him to launch a comprehensive study into the existence of the mythical creature, when he decided to pay a visit to “an unassuming and rather bland” Yunnan eatery for lunch.

“I walked in and they were casually chopping up a six-foot, hirsute biped,” a stunned Hamilton told China Daily Show. “After recovering from the initial shock, I started asking questions. All they could tell me was that it was the last one they had, and that it had already been pre-sold for a hotpot feast that evening.”

Restaurant owner, Wu Shen, 65, told China Daily Show that Bigfoot had proven a popular dish over the last six weeks when locals hunters discovered a family of the legendary beasts living in a cave, subsisting on harmless wild berries.

“Man Face Gorilla Explode Over the Rice was ever our bestseller,” said Wu. “You do not know how sad I am now to see it is gone.

“That doesn’t really matter anymore,” added Wu, “because we definitely sold the last one.” Bigfoot meat, says Wu, helps replenish the spleen, revitalize the kidney, and is “especially good for men.”

Not to worry, say local hunters, who are currently following a trail of Siberian tiger tracks, whose muscular tail is rumored by old wives to make women feel like virgins.

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