By QUANPAN FOUREN & BU SHIWO
Technology Correspondents

The enhanced tech (above) also denies ever receiving reporters’ questions in the first place

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – A new answering-service from the Chinese government has already issued a series of firm denials, sources confirmed yesterday.

Reporters who dial the Ministry of National Defense, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Ministry of Hacking are now greeted with an electronic message, asking them to press a specified button to direct their inquiry.

“Press One if your call concerns ‘purchase of organs harvested from executed criminals,’ Two for ‘mysterious deaths linked to Chinese-owned tech firm abroad,’ Three for ‘kid got crushed by official,’ Four for ‘inexplicably banned from Twitter…” the 47-minute message begins.

The pre-recorded list, described as “fairly comprehensive,” offers some 400 different options, including number 72 – “just had servers compromised by hackers located in Chinese military academy or otherwise.”

Despite the wide variety of queries offered, though, users say the machine’s response is exactly the same every time.

“China is a country under rule of law and the government does not support, nor sponsor, any kind of activity that might be considered newsworthy,” the automated response patiently intones. “Logically, to suggest otherwise is neither professional, nor consistent with the facts.”

Foreign media agree that the new service is both “useful” and “saves time.”

“We understand that bad things do often happen to good people,” the automated message concludes sympathetically. “So for further information, please press One to be directed to the US Embassy.”

 Follow this and all other China news with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By WANG WEI
Politics Correspondent

The poll represents the final word on Chinese democracy

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A global poll of tyrants, dictator states and banana republicans has shown unilateral support for developing nations’ one-party systems.

The poll, commissioned by Beijing in association with the China Ruling Oligarchy People’s Survey (CROPS), shows a distinct lack of interest in democratic reform.

Asked by CROPS to chose between “Western imperialist democracy”, “gradual yet persistent persecution by the state, beginning with bureaucratic headaches and ending with imprisonment” and “the current system,” an emphatic 99.4% of Chinese citizens polled chose “the current system.”

The results effectively puts an end to the long-running debate concerning China’s political reform, according to Foreign Ministry spokeswoman and part-time children’s entertainer Jiang Wu.

“This poll shows that the Chinese people are in direct agreement with the government. Citizens are simply not willing or able to make constitutional decisions for themselves,” said Wu.

“This proves what we set out to prove.”

The White House has declined to comment on the poll – a tactic some rabid Chinese analysts have interpreted as a tacit admission of the complete decline of the Western governmental system.

But US political analyst Buffalo Chambers told China Daily Show: “It’s simply presidential protocol in response to any inane line of questioning.”

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By KONGJIAN JINGSAI
Space Correspondent

Gingrich: finally someone else’s problem

GOBI DESERT (China Daily Show) – Nearly half a century after the Soviet Union put the first man into space, China has finally agreed to send Republican former Speaker Newt Gingrich to the final frontier.

Gingrich will man the controls with three other, as-yet unknown Chinese taikonauts for the launch of the country’s first manned space docking, Shenzhou 9.

News of the launch has been greeted with virtually no excitement whatsoever. Nevertheless, officials have described Gingrich’s flight as a win-win for almost everyone.

“Gingrich gets to go the moon. The US gets to jettison Gingrich. The media gets a story. I don’t actually know what the Chinese get out of it,” admitted one US diplomat.

The roly-poly Republican will join the debut of China’s first female astronaut in being the world’s first overweight blowhard to enter the cosmos.

Over the course of his interstellar journey, Gingrich is expected to orbit the Earth twice, dock with the module Tiangong 1, remarry and consume at least five boxes of mooncakes.

The journey will fulfill a long-held dream of Gingrich, who, during his failed presidential bid, promised to put a manned US base on the moon by the end of his second term.

China has since played down  these remarks, emphasizing that the moon has been an indisputable part of China since ancient times, when Han Dynasty astronomer Zhang Heng first noted its position on a star chart.

But the blast-off will not be without its difficulties: despite a six-month intensive Mandarin course, Gingrich has failed to learn a lick of Chinese, telling annoyed instructors it was “the language of the rice paddies.”

But some say being unable to communicate with Gingrich could provide a morale boost for the other crew members.

For now, all eyes are on the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center in the Gobi Desert, where the Shenzhou 9 mission is expected to launch this Saturday.

Gingrich is filling a last-minute vacancy on the shuttle, which opened after ‘Chattering Mick’, the Colobus monkey previously used as a test subject and mascot for Shenzhou 9, abruptly popped his last peanut Tuesday.

Follow breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Editor’s note: The State Council Information Office of the People’s Republic of China recently published its unannotated annual report, titled ‘The Human Rights Record of the United States in 2011’.

You can read it on Xinhua or catch the full drift here:

You could read China Daily’s report… or save time and boil your head

On Life, Property and Personal Security

1. The United States has mighty strength in human, financial and material resources to exert effective control over violent crimes.
2. However, during a visit to New York last year, Madame Jing (my wife) left her sunglasses in the taxi and they were not returned. The driver also did not recognize Madame Jing, nor praise her husband’s initiatives developing a prosperous Gansu, nor pass on compliments regarding the motherland’s first desert hydro-electric plant in the glorious scrublands of our home province. [Intern: check dam has not collapsed]
3. The US constitution guarantees its citizens the right to bear arms. And yet the US allows its citizens to carry guns.
4. [Intern: Will cut ’n’ paste lengthy bits from Western media about gun crime, with detailed statistics, then quietly insert major unverified claim to conclude] [Editor: Aw. They grow up so fast]

On Civil and Political Rights [Editor: keep it short, eh?]

1. [Intern: Use quote from ‘Occupy the Wall Street’ person, remove quote marks, attribute to Washington Post?] [Editor Good idea, but cut non-relevant parts about ‘Occupy’ news blackout in the motherland]
2. [Editor: Find YouTube clip of ‘Pepper Spray Cop’ to imbed (use my VPN). Contact Pepper Spray Cop. What’s his side of story, etc?]
3. The US military is secretly manipulating social media sites by using fake online personas to create a false consensus in online conversations, crowd out unwelcome opinions and smother commentaries or reports that do not correspond with its own objectives. [Editor: Excellent idea – totally stolen from us. Pls check (Note to self: write angry op-ed)] [Intern: Search results who did not comply with relevant laws and regulations]
4. Netizen comments to go here.
5. The US government is secretly corrupt [Use block quotes from US Congressional Hearings for proof]

On Economic and Social Rights

1. Just rehash some of that earlier stuff re Wall Street? [Editor: YESSSS]
2. AIDS
3. [Editor: mention what happened with the Cowboys and Indians] [Intern: You mean the movie? Think the word ‘cowboys’ now considered ‘offensive’?]

On Education

1. On the morning of April 13, 2011, Thomas Jefferson Junior High schooler Martin Perry, 11, requested his teacher grant a bathroom break. Citing the lesson’s imminent conclusion, and with malice aforethought, the teacher, Miss Pennywright, did deny M Perry’s rights, resulting in the unavoidable consequences of M Perry besmirching his shorts, and suffering further abuses at the hands of his classmates. In addition to M Perry’s psychological suffering, a cub reporter from the Jefferson Junior Journal was later threatened with a noogie by classmate Geoff ‘Jugs’ McBain while investigating the incident. Local newspapers refused to run the story, citing vague state laws regarding privacy, protection of minors and public interest. [Source: Jefferson Junior Journal]

On Cultural Rights [Editor: let’s wrap this up ASAP. Wife getting impatient]

1. [Editor: surely can use that Cowboys and Indians stuff here?]
2. Ted Nugent.
3. You’re still reading?

Xinhua related news:

• Most of Venice Beach left to fight suns imperialist rays by itself, blasts DPRK
• Mass grave in Gettysburg Cemetery has been located by successful local curator: report

• Some X% of US voters actually voted for McCain at some point, apparently
• American drop-outs denied full college-education: exclusive
• Income gap widens between women, certain blacks, children and 50-year-old American white guys

Follow all your China-US news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter, maybe?

By HAI SHANG SHILI
South China Seas Correspondent

MANILA (China Daily Show) – The most excruciating military stand-off since David and Goliath may finally be resolved, thanks to a tatty map found in an old toy chest in some admiral’s attic.

The map is conclusive, kindergartners agree

Following a tense stand-off between Chinese and Philippine naval forces off Scarborough Shoal this month, state media reported the stunning revelation on all 764 news channels.

“Got the bugger!” declared Admiral Pu Anyu of the People’s Liberation Army Navy, as nationwide broadcasts beamed the image of a moth-eaten map – drawn during a patriotic history class by Pu, aged four – live into the country’s unimpressed living rooms.

“I knew it was here somewhere,” the Admiral commented.

“I’m just going to have a rummage and see what else is up there,” Pu continued. “I really hope mother didn’t throw away all my Red Guard trading cards. They’re probably worth something by now… especially if they’re still in the original packaging.”

The CCTV broadcast swiftly cut to the studio, cutting off the admiral’s reminiscences, where a panel agreed the find was “Historic” – with two experts firmly agreeing and one violently agreeing.

The two countries have been at loggerheads over the rocks since last month, when Chinese vessels intervened to stop the arrest of  fishermen working in the 55km disputed area, located 132 miles from the Philippines and thrice that distance from Hainan.

The area is rich in mineral deposits and marine life, with the surrounding waters said to be bristling with horned sharks, bramble whales, dogfish, ratfish and six-tailed squid.

This week, China dispatched a fleet of eight lightly armed patrol boats to ensure that a Filipino fishing trawler, currently anchored near the shoal, doesn’t pull any funny business.

The US has also been unwillingly reeled into the dispute.

Pentagon officials were yesterday forced to deny any involvement in the escalating tensions, after a group of Americans, sporting buzzcuts and floral chemises, were spotted frolicking near a Filipino beach resort.

The possible presence of any off-duty US Marines has nevertheless discouraged China from sending further warships to ramp up aggression.

Adolescent youths and amateur history buffs on the mainland immediately took to their keyboards at news of the recent cartographic discovery.

Most netizens agreed that the map – in addition to a text message sent by a former Filipino diplomat to his Sichuanese ex-lover, and an offhand remark overheard at a Norwegian embassy party last month – confirmed China’s irrefutable claim on the region.

The scrawled crayon illustration by Admiral Pu clearly shows a map of China and its surrounding nations, with a line stretching across the South China Seas to a shoal of submerged boulders, near the Philippine Islands, marked ‘Hangyoo Iland’ [sic].

“The war’s over. Everyone go home!” trumpeted the front page of Thursday’s Beijing Daily, with a subheadline qualifying: “Except any Filipino maids – we still need you.”

Follow breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By QU XIE
Dissident Correspondent

Ambassador Gary Locke briefly considers whether now would be a good time to drop the bomb

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It seemed a rare moment of success for both US and Chinese officials: a deal to allow a fugitive activist, who’d escaped rural detention to seek refuge at the US Embassy, had been grudgingly agreed – all against a dramatic backdrop of trade talks and a media frenzy.

The catch? American diplomats have still to break the news to dissident Chen Guangcheng that many popular US institutions – such as equal rights, better education and Santa Claus – are not really true.

Chen is expected to begin his studies at New York University after China issues him with proper travel documents.

Speaking over the phone on condition of anonymity from the US Embassy this weekend, a diplomat told China Daily Show that they intend to break the news to Chen “soon. Not yet. Only when he’s ready.”

In the background, an embassy party was clearly in full swing: champagne corks could be heard popping, amid cries of “It’s go time!”and  “U-S-A!” over a Ted Nugent soundtrack.

The celebratory atmosphere was, perhaps, understandable.

The tense 24-hour negotiations had followed a fraught five-day diplomatic wrangle, which came about after an utterly unspeakable two-year illegal detention, that ensued because of a despicable four-year jaywalking sentence, all the result of a vomit-inducing campaign of forced abortions and sterilizations in Shandong province.

Beijing has hailed it as a victory for rule of law. The moment has been marked in the country’s own idiosyncratic way, with activists being detained and at least one foreign reporter expelled.

Many activists in China continue to hold the US in high regard – due, in part, to the ridiculously low regard in which they hold China. This can result in many believing that the US is a fantasy land where fairness and human rights romp free, experts say.

“I’ve actually heard some of them say that America is a beacon of truth, justice and democracy,” one lawyer admitted. “I haven’t the heart to correct them.”

Last week, Chen is said to have told Hillary Clinton he was “looking forward to meeting Santa Claus.” Friends now say this was a misunderstanding and Chen meant to say he was looking forward to “meeting President Obama.”

“One can totally understand the mistake,” the diplomat admitted. “A lot of American voters also used to think the same thing.”

Follow truthful China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

China’s Twatterati undoubtedly helped seal Chen Guangcheng’s fate this week. Here’s a round-up of some of the best ‘tweets’ that illuminated this daring story and saved so many lives.

Tweeping it real in China

USEmb8zzy: Chen Guangcheng is @chaoyanghospital. Safe & well. US-China trade talks begin tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Romney4Prez: Obama administration gives shelter 2 outlaws and radical socialists @ChenGC in China!! Would NEVER happen under President Romney
Beijing_Daily: It’s looking like a lovely Blue Sky Day!
Sumyungguy: REALLY? Demand proof, otherwise US lies RT@USEmb8zzy Chen @chaoyanghospital. Safe, well. Trade talks to begin tomorrow!
ReporterTim: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC. Will investigate further
Sumyungguy: This is BULLSHIT! Conspiracy? MT@ReporterTom: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC.
Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v :(, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by HClinton, sez hospital food suckz
USEmb8zzy: Looking forward to those trade talks
Sumyungguy: OMG!! Plz RT, RT @Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v L, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by Hclinton, sez hospital food suckz
Beijing_Daily: Plans to reduce tariffs for HelloKitty pillows close to conclusion. Just need @AmbLocke to concede on colors
ReporterTim: Looking for @ChenGC at @chaoyanghospital, got lost in obstetrician ward for two hours, no signs anywhere. Nurses v unfriendly. Also, food suckz
Activ1stGrl: Foreign media lies! My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Romney4Prez: Free sunglasses 4 all @Romney4Prez followers. Summer coming, gonna need sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: @USEmb8zzy must apologize for history, starting with Victorious War to Defend Our Korean Friends Against US Aggression (1950-1952)
Beijing_Daily: Acc 2 “foreign expert,” above war also known as “Korean War.” Apology still required.
Sumyungguy: EVERYBODY! @USEmb8zzy  has screwed @ChenGC, sez his food is bad, no reception on phone DO SOMETHING! Please RT!! RT!
ReporterTim: Finally found some cough syrup @chaoyanghospital. But no sign of @ChenGC
USEmb8zzy: Progress at talks, regarding UN security issues, Iran nuclear proliferation. Both sides v happy.
Romney4Prez: Obama has betrayed @ChenGC, Chinese blind lawyer with Real American Values. Day of Shame.
ReporterTim: Just had shit kicked out of me @chaoyanghospital 4 no reason. Luckily am at @chaoyanghospital
USEmb8zzy: WTF? RT @Activ1stGrl: My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
USEmb8zzy: +1 RT @Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he made mistake, really loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put his sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
Sumyungguy: OMG, please RT, MT @Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?
Romney4Prez: Obama administration has lost control of immigration, borders. Sad day for Real Americans RT @ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?

Follow real China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By TIANTIAN XIANGSHANG
Education Correspondent

Fortunately, Chen will not have to witness such shocking sights as this

BEIJING (China Daily Show) –  Human rights workers have warned that the Chinese government may attempt revenge on blind student-activist Chen Guangcheng through a series of elaborate university hazing rituals.

A controversial deal, brokered by US officials, has allowed disabled lawyer Chen to join his family and safely attend law school, following a dramatic escape to Beijing last week.

The Chinese also threw in a sweetener: Chen’s wife would not get beaten to death, in exchange for the mild punishment of having to stay overnight in Chaoyang Hospital.

But many have suggested that Beijing cannot be trusted to stick to its promises and will come down hard on Chen, once US officials leave after Spring Break. Some reports even indicate the deal is already breaking down.

Chen is considering a number of tuition options, including the offer of a Baccalaureate in Advanced Metalwork at the University of Nottingham, but is said to be leaning towards continuing his legal studies at the Beijing Number 4 Law and Agricultural School.

After enrolling as an undergraduate, Chen can look forward to canteen food, 10pm curfews, dorm life, weekend homework and many other student delights, typical of Chinese universities.

But there will also be unpleasant aspects to Chen’s life on campus.

Insiders say the house Chen has applied to join – Phi Kappa Delta , whose motto is “Firmly Support the Central Committee” – is a staunchly state-affiliated fraternity, and plans are said to be afoot to greet Chen with a series of arcane and unpleasant hazing rituals.

“Forget chugging beer bongs. This isn’t gonna be panty-raid stuff. We’re going to hit this mofo with some serious, press-ups-in-the-rain, Code Red shit,” claimed an excitable fenqing freshman, who had recently viewed A Few Good Men.

Plans seen by China Daily Show include paddling, waking Chen up with a bullhorn and the odd mild beating.

But Chen is said to have supporters elsewhere on the Number 4 campus.

“I heard this Chen’s some kind of blonde activist,” said Dragon House fraternity brother Bai “Bluto” Lushe. “He should come here. We goddamn love blondes.”

Spring Break is traditionally the period in China in which underprivileged scholars and persecuted human-rights activists attempt to escape illegal detention. Chen travelled all the way to the US Embassy to post his application to study law and Hillary Clinton, in town for trade talks, personally wrote his letter of referral.

Government sources meanwhile denied Chen’s escape was a humiliation for them.

“The guy was blind and sick. How the hell were we supposed to know he’d get out?” argued one Linyi official. “This could have happened to anyone. Nobody saw this coming – nobody except Chen.

“OK, that’s quite ironic,” he admitted.

Follow breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Sample questions from Chen’s upcoming state-hazing exam

How many blind activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Correct answer: None. Under China’s benevolent 2009 Disabilities Act, blind people are prevented from participating in any dangerous activities, such as changing lightbulbs, crossing roads or representing defendants in court.

 How long is the distance between Linyi, Shandong province and Beijing?

Correct answer: Many hundred of miles, across mountains, rivers and forests that often prevent decent authorities in the capital from detecting certain potentially wrongful activities being committed by a few corrupt cadres in the countryside.

 Is it legal for a Chinese person to escape his kidnappers and enter a foreign embassy?

Correct answer: While the legal answer is technically ‘no,’ from an extralegal point of view, it is extra-illegal for a Chinese citizen to hang out with foreigners and make a scene that might embarrass certain parties and hurt the feelings of the Chinese people.

Follow breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By HUI JIA
Hurt Feelings Correspondent

Stateside Jeremy Lin fans are seen to urgently lack PRC flags

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – As “Linsanity” continues to sweep both sides of the Pacific, an increasingly heated territorial dispute concerning the “rights” to Jeremy Lin has embroiled China, the US and Taiwan.

Lin, point guard for the New York Knicks, became an overnight sensation after scoring 25 points and leading the Knicks to victory against the New Jersey Nets on February 4.

Only hours after Lin’s astonishing performance, a top military panel – known as the People’s Liberation Army General Assembly Guarding against Americanism, or PLA-GAGA – met in a secret bunker outside Beijing.

Six hours later, a confidential memo was issued, asserting Lin was now ancient Chinese property. Within days, a team of experts had compiled the appropriate response: a well-worded editorial, published on Xinhua, offering Lin the Holy Grail of Chinese citizenship.

“We’re not the Americans. We don’t shoot first and ask questions later,” a source revealed. “We ask questions – then start shooting.”

Beijing suspects the star player is being held at an undisclosed Las Vegas location. A source told China Daily Show that Lin is under constant guard by US agents disguised as cheerleaders.

Yesterday morning, a special session of the United Nations Security Council saw Chinese and US delegates lock horns over exploration rights to Lin, with the Chinese representative at one point removing his slip-on loafer and banging it on the table, screaming, “We will bury you!”

Meanwhile, the British – completely in the dark as to who Jeremy Lin was, and why he mattered – are being urgently briefed on the matter.

Today, the unsightly turf war threatens to go public, as each side offer their own version of events.

Taiwan’s government has waded into the debate, claiming the breakout star belongs to Taipei. “He’s the child of Taiwanese immigrants. A pure-blooded son of our glorious island,” diplomat Ch’en Ch’ing-Chiew told reporters. “We have plans to name a food street after him. It’s a done deal.”

The US State Department responded with its own soft power in the form of an attractive Times Square advert, lushly directed by Tom Hanks.

“Why, hush my mouth… ol’ Jeremy’s as American as apple pie,” actress Kathy Bates coos over alternating scenes of a shirtless Lin draped with an American flag and footage of steaming, fresh-baked pies at a small-town Fourth of July parade. “If some no-good railroad-buildin’ varmints want him, why, they are welcome to come on over ‘n’ try!”

With reports that Lin, a devout Christian, has been in talks with religious organizations aimed at securing citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven, the controversy shows no sign of abating.

Analysts suggest the tough US stance could be in response to the Bush administration’s unpopular decision to cede sovereignty over Jackie Chan to China. The deal was struck in 2007, in exchange for mutual assurances that Chan wouldn’t make another Rush Hour.

Follow breaking China news stories on @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Xi Jinping, pictured here on a rare Blue Sky day

AUSTIN (China Daily Show) — “I got this!” called out US President Barack Obama, as China’s Vice-President Xi Jinping pumped gasoline into a red Subaru 4×4, his face expressionless as ever.

Dressed in blue denim shirtsleeves, aviator sunglasses and a brand-new cowboy hat, Xi said nothing as the 50-year-old Obama jogged across the forecourt to pay.

“It’s all about sharing the wealth,” explained the Democrat President a few minutes later, as Xi took a bathroom break.

Instead of their usual respective visits to Camp David and Beidahe, both world leaders agreed their holiday this year would take the form of a joint road trip. No wives, no security detail – just two global chiefs on the highway, trying to settle their political differences.

“Like the US, I’m paying my way,” said Obama, mopping his brow in the mid-afternoon Texan heat. “We’re both splitting the costs for the trip equally. Xi paid for the jeep, and I said I’d get… oh, for crying out loud.” The President glanced back anxiously as the cashier’s till rang.

“No duck neck,” announced Xi, emerging from the roadside shop – in his hand shopping bags, filled with Oreos, Gatorade, Coke Zero, Pringles and Slim Jims for the drive ahead.

“You didn’t have to,” murmured Obama.

“I know,” came the shy reply.

The impromptu exchange was a rare glimpse into this most unorthodox of diplomatic journeys: the national media have been asked to leave the pair for the most part alone as they work out their differences, and even photography is forbidden.

Xi is China’s heir apparent after President Hu Jintao steps down this year, while no one takes seriously the prospect of any Republican candidate beating Obama in November. A bonding exercise would seem the natural solution to the two country’s differences. Nevertheless, the White House has been aggressive to scotch any rumors relating to one of the dates of the trip – February 14, or Valentine’s Day.

“They’re just friends,” said a spokesman. “Obama is a red-blooded, all-American, and happily married man. And Xi is – well, he’s biologically male.”

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” Xi later admitted with a coy smile. Even so, the pair occasionally chide each other like an old married couple. “I’ve been sorting out all the music; Xi doesn’t even have an iPod!” Obama joked at one point. “You can’t put a price on a decent playlist.”

Their route is said to take the unlikely duo from Texas through Arizona and Nevada, and eventually ending in an anticipated blowout in Las Vegas.

“I am keen to see the Strip,” said Xi politely. “To me, the Las Vegas experience is a ship of fools in the desert, draining cash from the hard-working cowboys – this is the American Dream, is it not?”

Perhaps. And what is the Chinese Dream?

Xi thought for a minute. “To sleep,” he answered with a cryptic wink before Obama gave a sudden, impatient honk from the driver’s seat, where the country classic ‘9 to 5’ could be heard loudly playing. Seconds later, the vehicle had swept off into the desert horizon, leaving behind only dust — and unanswered questions.

Will the two finally see eye-to-eye on human rights? What about human nature? And does Xi Jinping really like Dolly Parton?

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