By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

Bo Guagua: apart from the occasional gaffe, said to be a lonely, sensitive man

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has moved to erase the Internet, after the son of disgraced official Bo Xilai reversed his red Ferrari over a 16-year old migrant worker during a special live edition of hit dating show If You Are The One.

Bo Guagua’s appearance was originally scheduled to be a low-key affair, with Bo bicycling into the studio whistling an upbeat revolutionary tune and carrying a posy.

But a bizarre series of mishaps, multiple rewrites and production purges led to Bo instead being winched via crane into the open-air studio in a specially commissioned red-and-yellow Ferrari.

“Everything that could go wrong did go wrong,” said a witness. “The chain started to break, Bo panicked and started the engine, the car was in reverse gear, the worker wandered on set at precisely the wrong moment… un-fucking-believable.”

The ‘perfect storm’ of online outrage immediately which ensued, termed ‘Memeageddon’ by digital experts, sent China’s rumour-hungry blogosphere into meltdown, forcing the government to wipe the entire Internet in an attempt to conceal the scandal and calm the situation.

After receiving the go-ahead from the Politburo, the PLA’s Internet division has executed Order 66, a reserve strategy designed to neutralize any domestic scandal of a magnitude capable of destroying the Party in a single devastating stroke.

The Order has only been used once before, in 1996, when a webcam in Jiang Zemin’s bedroom accidentally broadcast the elderly leader in his underwear, dining on the corpse of a young virgin.

UPDATE: [Editor’s note: Without Internet, we are forced to rely on traditional newsgathering forms, rarely practiced today. As a consequence, much of the information is sourced from ‘conversations’ and ‘interviews,’ unverifiable by Wikipedia]

It has emerged that Bo’s appearance was part of a special edition of the popular dating show If You Are The One, approved months previously by China’s Ministry of Culture – or MiniCull, as it is popularly known – at the urging of Bo’s publicity-hungry father, Bo Xilai.

The show’s exact content may never be known, however, due to the complete eradication of all records. However, the migrant worker has been identified as Li Huiling, a young Chengdu girl in search of a wealthy husband to help pay for kidney treatment, after being poisoned by a frozen dumpling at the backstage buffet.

FURTHER UPDATE: More news on Order 66, the executive directive to erase the Internet, points to an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) detonated in the Earth’s upper atmosphere, designed to instantly knock out all digital communications and erase the entire Internet, along with all records of the incident. Reports from Chongqing indicate the entire If You Are The One studio was also taken out in a tactical missile strike.

However, during the 18-minute window between the incident occurring and the wiping of the Internet, the episode, which aired simultaneously on several hundred video-exchange sites, was re-tweeted 8.2 billion times, effectively reaching every computer user on the planet at least once.

More alarmingly, the simultaneous re-tweeting reached critical mass seven minutes in, creating an electronic signal several times more powerful than the world’s highest-grade radio telescope, beaming the footage onto every mobile telecommunications device on Earth, as well as deep into the far reaches of space.

Experts are divided on the implications for China.

“It’s very hard for the Party to come back from something like this,” said analyst Russell Simes. “The image of a princeling’s sport car crushing an innocent girl to death on live television is very powerful. You’d need at least a good, clear, fresh upskirt of Angelina Jolie to shift that from your mind.

“Unfortunately, such images are illegal in China.”

Follow this story at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Got a tip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

by XIAO NIAO
Rumor Correspondent

This undated picture clearly shows some vehicles on an Asian street, possibly China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A water-cooler debate quickly led to widespread muttering, joking and microblogging in Beijing Tuesday morning, as a result of something happening in either a school, a junction or possibly a section of the subway, according to various online sources.

Within minutes of the scandal, crisis or Groupon promotion breaking, groups of teenagers, and possibly old people, took to their computers, to variously protest or support either the university admissions system, poor-quality scriptwriting on children’s entertainment channel Kaku or a possible military coup in Beijing.

City officials, the police and international observers have all vowed to restore calm, once they can agree on what is actually going on.

But despite the Ministry of Agriculture moving quickly to issue an official statement on grain production, the rumors have continued to circulate.

According to a source in the Chinese Politburo, maintenance staff are working round the clock in Zhongnanhai to fix their fax machine. The Diaoyutai State Guesthouse was also continuing to accept reservations.

Meanwhile, people across the nation continued to take to streets like Chang’an Avenue to visit museums, buy groceries and perform useful services in exchange for money.

“I’m absolutely outraged,” said single mother Han Wei, 32. “I can’t believe the government or private individuals are perhaps doing this to our nation’s children or adults. Either the authorities or grassroots organizations, or both, need to do something about whatever this is – or isn’t.”

Her feelings were echoed by 19-year-old transgender prostitute Kitty Wu. “This is an issue that unites us all, whatever it is!” she yelled at reporters.

Last night, in what many are interpreting as “unusual activity” in the news media, state network CCTV broadcast a three-hour news report on a Hubei corn farmer’s heroic battle against Dutch elm disease.

Many are now speculating on whether this should be interpreted as a coded message and, if so, what it means, and who sent it to whom, how, why, Hu and Wen.

Got unsubstantiated gossip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

Follow the rumors at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By ZOU MIAO
Fashion & Style correspondent

Deng’s workout group sit eating for 10 hours before a mine collapse kills three

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – “A police officer chased me half way around the city and then beat me mercilessly,” says Mia Xin. “I’m down 20 pounds!”

So run adverts popping up all over popular microblogging websites such as Weibo in recent weeks, sparking a new feeding fad: the Migrant Worker Diet.

Mia is one of millions of young Chinese particpating in the new diet-and-exercise regimen that is taking China’s urban centers by storm.

The thousands of illegal coalmines outside of Beijing are packed to the brim with tracksuits.

“They say inspectors are going to come in with baseball bats and shut this coal mine down, maybe maim a few people,” said Deng Liubao, a lumber exporter from Kaixian county, Chongqing municipality. “I’ll need to find a new gym.”

Under the extensive rules of the regime, practitioners can only spend 10 yuan a day on box meals, are forced to kneel for pay cheques and must  hitchhike to another city at weekends or whenever they see an authority figure. Practitioners are all but forbidden from enjoying any kind of sex life.

Deng intends to hitchhike to Yiwu, Zhejiang Province to crack bricks on a building site and will continue doing so until he can fit back into his high-school jeans.

The diet is the latest brainchild of mung-bean farmer and dietitian Professor Jin Xiaoxin, who is said to have come up with the revolutionary regimen after closely observing migrant workers naked.

“With my diet, anyone can have a physique rippling with pure muscle,” said Jin. “Minus the vacant, soul-crushing stare, of course.”

Migrant workers are said to comprise 1 in 4 residents of first-tier cities such as Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing. Many may consider this 200 million-strong army of labor a poorly treated, highly disposal workforce that is often sidelined for political and economic expediency – for others though, they may be the perfect way to fit into that wedding dress at the last minute.

Even foreigners are getting into the mix. Jennifer Pepper from Des Moines, Iowa and a teacher in Shanghai, says that she lost over 12 pounds in one week after she started moonlighting at a building site.

“I can’t really leave the city. So, I’ll have to turn to other, more domestic options here in Shanghai,” she said, stripped to the waist and soaked in sweat and brick dust on a Pudong construction site. She added that after the Spring Festival, dietary options often dry up in the city. “But there is a hairdresser on my way home from school that should do until I find another building project.”

Professor Jin’s diet is also an appealing change to the office grind familiar to China’s legions of urban white-collar workers. When news of his next fashionable food habit leaked onto the Internet – dubbed the “Dissident Diet” – the Jin Company’s servers crashed under the demand.

But Professor Jin is keeping the Dissident Diet close to his chest. When asked by China Daily Show, all he would reveal is that hopeful dieters should stock up on jump suits.

Tylenol  contributed to this story

Follow this and other top China stories at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By XING CHOUWEN
Scandal Correspondent

Mackiewicz's passport instantly identifies him to officials as an irredeemable waste of carbon

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Self-defined “citizen of the world” and all-round quintessential douchebag Aaron Mackiewicz of Columbus, Ohio has unwittingly become one of China’s most well-known foreigners, after reports of his drunken, offensive antics surfaced on domestic file-sharing websites.

Speaking semi-clothed from the all-weather balcony of a Nanluoguxiang bar, the insufferable US-cum-Tudou sensation told China Daily Show how, prior to arriving in China, he had dismissed the Communist country as “buttoned-up tight-asses… not ready for a freewheeling dude like myself. But after I arrived, I found this is totally a free country.”

Mackiewicz went on to describe acts previously denied him in his home country of America, a nation he describes as being  “run by a bunch of Nazis in uniforms.”

These “God-given rights” included:

• Urinating on the base of a statue of former leader Chairman Mao Zedong at the Beijing Institute of Technology
• Loudly condemning the ruling Chinese Communist Party within earshot of a train guard
• Openly reading semi-pornographic magazines on public transport
• Exposing himself accidentally to a busload of students on his return from Fragrant Hills Park after a 6am visit

This final incident was captured on mobile-phone camera by disgusted student Lei Wei, 22, who uploaded it to Mop, a popular Chinese Internet forum. The post led to an explosion of comments, including a detailed description of the Mao statue incident by an outraged college professor, confirmed by Mackiewicz as “totally true.”

During a three-week holiday in the People’s Republic of China, Mackiewicz, known without affection online as “Brother Dickhead,” has had his movements traced by Beijing’s Public Security Bureau, whose chief Wei Tao today confirmed receipt of over 40 official complaints that a “fire-haired foreign devil” was harassing citizens.

Wei vowed that the police would only act in the event that the ongoing Internet meme ceases to be popular. “When he stops getting clicks, we’ll move in,” Chief Wei told China Daily Show.

According to Mackiewicz’s close friends – who described him as an “unbelievable buffoon,” “jerk-off” and “utter motherfucker” – Mackiewicz is unaware of his own notoriety, and is now being unknowingly co-opted into shenanigans by ambitious post-90s Chinese kids with cameras, eager for a share of the American’s Internet fame.

BIT student Ellen Wu, 20, admitted that she has a ‘date’ with Mackiewicz scheduled for this evening. In fact, Wu has a bet with her microblog followers to see whether or not she can trick the unlovable Internet jack-ass into ingesting large quantities of paint thinner. Wu says the edited footage will be uploaded as soon as she can locate enough comedic sound effects.

Follow this and other top China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter