By XI MEITI
Western Media Correspondent

If you're reading this article, Shaun Rein has blocked you on Twitter

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – The Shaun Rein spinbot has been cancelled due to “complications,” a source in the Chinese government said yesterday.

A one-line statement on Xinhua, the official news agency, stated simply that the Rein has been “discontinued” and will be phased out over a five-month period. But others suggest the reasons may be more complicated.

Unknown abroad, the Rein is nevertheless familiar in Chinese media circles as a popular media troll. Its columns, which invariably regurgitate the government line in the face of overwhelming evidence, are produced using WuMao 2.0 – state software that most observers believe is hopelessly out of date.

“The Rein has served the Party well but modern times call for a modern approach,” said a WuMao spokesman who refused to give his name. “Our internal studies showed no one ever actually listened to anything the Rein had to say, anyway.”

Insiders point to more public signs of cognitive dissonance, however.

According to some reports, the Rein was briefly detained last month after being found “naked and masturbating” at 3am on the Shanghai Bund. Witnesses report the Rein was gesticulating wildly, while clutching a tattered copy of an infamous 2009 Pew research poll, which claimed 86 of Chinese are “happy with the government.”

“The cops had to gently prise it from its fingers,” said one eyewitness. “It was covered with crazy-ass doodles but the Rein just wouldn’t let it go.”

Sources close to the Rein explained that the bizarre breakdown was brought on by stress and an impending sense that it was being “judged by God.” But the Chinese government is also said to be increasingly displeased by the Rein’s descriptions of itself as a marketing guru.

The Rein’s China Market Research Group (CMR) describes itself as the “world’s leading strategic market intelligence firm.” But when this reporter visited its Shanghai offices, we found only months-old newspapers and an abandoned desktop terminal, left open to a game of spider solitaire. A migrant worker selling bicycle parts nearby claimed to currently be CMR’s chief analyst.

Sources in Beijing added that the Rein’s marketing boasts were embarrassing, even for them. “The Rein was only supposed to make absurd claims about the Party – not its career,” fumed one strategist.

Not everyone is pleased to see the ageing spinbot go, however.

“It’s a sad day, in some ways,” said Grady Einstein, a writer for the anti-Chinese US golfing magazine Fores. “Who could forget the Rein’s hopeless attack on Christian Bale? Its description of the Great Leap Forward as a “mass diet”? Its defence of Tiananmen as a vital training exercise?

“It’s going to be very hard for the Party to replace the Rein with something equally misguided. Thankfully, that task could not be in better hands.”

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By KUO LAO
Society Correspondent

‘China is like a Lamborghini,’ says Li. ‘Fast, elitist and mostly yellow’

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – A flamboyant plutocrat has lambasted Western “outsiders” who criticize China with little understanding of its complex internal dynamics.

Eric S Li, a Harvard-educated venture capitalist with offices in New York and Tokyo, says that most foreign people simply don’t understand ordinary Chinese.

“Chinese people are happy, sometimes even very happy. Whenever I see the guy who washes my Lamborghini, he’s always smiling,” Li said. “Actually, I think he’s probably a simpleton. I can’t understand his accent at all; it’s sad. His soap ‘n’ wax is faultless, though.”

One of the problems, Li says, is a complete disconnect between lofty Western critics, with their absolutist ideals, and the day-to-day struggles of ordinary laobaixing — the regular folk who really matter.

“When I’m back in Shanghai, I see Chinese people almost every other day from my balcony. And I interact with ordinary, non-wealthy Chinese constantly. The other night, I asked my PA, Lynn, who is Chinese, if she was ‘happy’” says Li. “She replied, ‘Very happy, Mr Li. Please, can I go home now?’”

“Those were her exact words. Not ‘I lack suffrage’, not ‘there’s no rule of law’, not ‘everything I buy is either fake or toxic’ — her primary concern was getting back home in time to wake up the next morning to come back to work,” Li recalls. “I was so pleased with her answer, I said she could go home early after she’d finished washing Ted, my Tibetan mastiff.”

Chinese people also don’t care about democracy, Li says, except when it comes to important matters – like Super Happy Girls, a reality-style TV show in which viewers vote for their favorite pop act. Li says that corruption is sometimes a problem.

“The authorities need to look into that show,” he seethes. “Oh my God, did you see who won? That guy, Duan Lixi? I totally voted for Liu Xin. That was so rigged. I mean, come on.”

Despite his fervent defence, Li concedes that China does face problems.

“Some of my friends do complain about inflation, inattentive staff and fuel prices. But them’s the breaks, I say – if you drive an SUV, you’re going to have to take a little hit on gasoline,” he said. “And you can always just hire new staff.”

Overall, he says, those who criticize China simply do not understand Eric S Li.

“China rewards those who work hard and know the right people,” says Li,whose father is a high-ranking PLA officer and co-owner of a Hello Kitty franchise. “I’m proof the system works for me.”

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With a retinue that includes two female chauffeurs, Li says he understands the pain of supporting an extended family

By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Xi Jinping, pictured here on a rare Blue Sky day

AUSTIN (China Daily Show) — “I got this!” called out US President Barack Obama, as China’s Vice-President Xi Jinping pumped gasoline into a red Subaru 4×4, his face expressionless as ever.

Dressed in blue denim shirtsleeves, aviator sunglasses and a brand-new cowboy hat, Xi said nothing as the 50-year-old Obama jogged across the forecourt to pay.

“It’s all about sharing the wealth,” explained the Democrat President a few minutes later, as Xi took a bathroom break.

Instead of their usual respective visits to Camp David and Beidahe, both world leaders agreed their holiday this year would take the form of a joint road trip. No wives, no security detail – just two global chiefs on the highway, trying to settle their political differences.

“Like the US, I’m paying my way,” said Obama, mopping his brow in the mid-afternoon Texan heat. “We’re both splitting the costs for the trip equally. Xi paid for the jeep, and I said I’d get… oh, for crying out loud.” The President glanced back anxiously as the cashier’s till rang.

“No duck neck,” announced Xi, emerging from the roadside shop – in his hand shopping bags, filled with Oreos, Gatorade, Coke Zero, Pringles and Slim Jims for the drive ahead.

“You didn’t have to,” murmured Obama.

“I know,” came the shy reply.

The impromptu exchange was a rare glimpse into this most unorthodox of diplomatic journeys: the national media have been asked to leave the pair for the most part alone as they work out their differences, and even photography is forbidden.

Xi is China’s heir apparent after President Hu Jintao steps down this year, while no one takes seriously the prospect of any Republican candidate beating Obama in November. A bonding exercise would seem the natural solution to the two country’s differences. Nevertheless, the White House has been aggressive to scotch any rumors relating to one of the dates of the trip – February 14, or Valentine’s Day.

“They’re just friends,” said a spokesman. “Obama is a red-blooded, all-American, and happily married man. And Xi is – well, he’s biologically male.”

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” Xi later admitted with a coy smile. Even so, the pair occasionally chide each other like an old married couple. “I’ve been sorting out all the music; Xi doesn’t even have an iPod!” Obama joked at one point. “You can’t put a price on a decent playlist.”

Their route is said to take the unlikely duo from Texas through Arizona and Nevada, and eventually ending in an anticipated blowout in Las Vegas.

“I am keen to see the Strip,” said Xi politely. “To me, the Las Vegas experience is a ship of fools in the desert, draining cash from the hard-working cowboys – this is the American Dream, is it not?”

Perhaps. And what is the Chinese Dream?

Xi thought for a minute. “To sleep,” he answered with a cryptic wink before Obama gave a sudden, impatient honk from the driver’s seat, where the country classic ‘9 to 5’ could be heard loudly playing. Seconds later, the vehicle had swept off into the desert horizon, leaving behind only dust — and unanswered questions.

Will the two finally see eye-to-eye on human rights? What about human nature? And does Xi Jinping really like Dolly Parton?

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By L WANG-HUBERT
Mental Health Correspondent

GENEVA (China Daily Show) — The World Health Organization today issued a warning to 192 nations after a report by UN inspectors concluded that the Chinese have been perpetrating “Weapons of Mass Delusion.”

Chinese students prepare to hear a full day's worth of bullshit

The news comes even as hundreds of thousands of world citizens flock to purchase plane tickets and black market visas for a quick traipse around the Middle Kingdom, or “God forbid, long-term expatriation,” said Tad Wester, chief inspector and lead author of the report.

The report detailed “no less than 43 classic mind control techniques deeply embedded within the Chinese school system, work environment and social and family structures,” prompting an immediate reclassification of the 5,000-year-old civilization from ‘culture” to ‘cult.’

Excerpts from the report include:

Hypnosis
Hypnotic techniques in Chinese classrooms starting as early as age five, resulting in a high state of suggestibility, often thinly disguised as ‘relaxation’ or ‘meditation.’ Repetitive music, usually around 60 beats per minute, most commonly employed during study sessions, with the teacher explaining that the music helps students relax and concentrate. Special lighting, usually fluorescent, as they are not too dim, nor too harsh, help contribute to the room’s feel and mood. Reduced room temperature, usually a little cooler than normal, keeps unknowing subjects relaxed, and close to a state of near-narcolepsy.

Peer or Group Pressure
Pressure from peers and family members replaces inner doubts and resistance to new ideas with the need to belong, often destroying the sense of individual identity altogether, or eschewing ‘individuality’ itself as a human evil. Excessive bonding with school classmates and work colleagues is thus heavily promoted.

Blind Obedience
Demanding acceptance through complex lectures on incomprehensible subjects, rejecting ‘logic’ as a ‘foreign construct’ or overly obtuse method for obtaining truth without all the facts.

Meta-communication
Subliminal communication through the stressing of certain key words or phrases (e.g. ‘harmony,’ ‘stability,’ ‘Chinese characteristics’) amid long, confusing lectures so as to stifle private contemplation.

Disinhibition
Child-like propaganda films or multimedia, such as those seen in theaters or subway systems, which orchestrate child-like obedience and unquestioning allegiance of authority. Complex issues are usually reduced to a matter of ‘feelings,’ providing subjects with a ready acid test of the rightness or wrongness of an issue based on a sudden curvature of the lips.

Uncompromising Rules
Inducing regression by soliciting agreement to seemingly simple rules, such as the proper time for a meal or bathroom break, or the proper use and types of medication.

Usurpation of Familial Language
Creating intense emotional longing for leaders or geopolitical boundaries by applying familial terms such as ‘Grandpa Wen’s’ insistence that ‘little brother Taiwan’ has wandered astray and requires the protection of the ‘Motherland.’

Sleep Deprivation
Creating disorientation and vulnerability through prolonged mental and physical activity in place of adequate rest and sleep, such as excessive after-school homework, weekend work requirements, team building exercises and mandatory attendance at late-night KTV sessions.

Chanting or Singing
Eliminating non-cult ideas through group repetition of mind-narrowing chants, phrases and memetically calculated pop songs.

Finger Pointing
Creating a false sense of righteousness by pointing out the shortcomings of failed peers (“Foucault’s panopticon”) and the outside world (“Goering’s gambit”).

Us vs. Them Mentality
Creating the false illusion of unity by emphasizing references to the Chinese as ‘we’ and non-Chinese as ‘you.’

Information Control
Inducing a loss of reality by discouraging the asking of questions, restricting access to opposing information and limiting the amount of time teens may spend at internet cafes.

Ambiguous Systems of Reward/Punishment
Maintaining emotional vulnerability and mental confusion by alternately rewarding and punishing different subjects for the very same action, usually limited to class and status distinctions, but sometimes shaken up for the hell of it.

Dietary Regulations
Creating increased susceptibility to emotional arousal by depriving the nervous system of necessary nutrients, particularly dairy products, through the use of addictive, often pepper- and MSG-based, diets.

Psychological Games
Inducing paranoia and suspicion by introducing childhood games with obscure rules that rely on chance, bluffing and fast, hypnotic finger movements and/or the loud, continuous shaking of dice.

Fear
Maintaining loyalty and obedience to the group and its leadership by threatening life or limb for the slightest negative deed, tweet or thought.

Repetition
Covering the same subject over and over again, usually by rote repetition or closed-circuit television networks, until the material is known by heart and even viewed by the subject as his or her own legitimate opinion.

Embassies responded immediately by posting travel warnings of their own, with some offering free psychological counseling to embassy workers and expatriates who have stayed in China “for a period of 6 months or longer.”

“We’ve even seen some tragic cases of foreigners drinking the tea and returning to their home countries forever changed,” Wester told China Daily Show, referencing the recent high-profile case of Geoff Berman, 42, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“They spout the slogans, sing the songs and are forever neurologically unwilling to see more than one side of, say, the Tibet dilemma, or the origin of the noodle.”

In response to the report, various ‘cult watch’ organizations and Christian groups around the world have started including China on their list of suspected cult organizations. Germany, meanwhile, has issued a ban against Chinese people and Sino-phernalia.

“China is not a country or culture,” said German Foreign Ministry Spokesman Helmut Krause in a strongly worded press release that echoes that nation’s stance against Scientology, “but a commercial enterprise with a history of taking advantage of vulnerable individuals, and an extreme dislike of any criticism, whose totalitarian structure and methods may pose a risk to Germany’s democratic society.”

US pastor Terry Jones is not surprised. “Leave it to the communists, Muslims and homosexuals to beat you over the head with their never-ending propaganda,” Jones told China Daily Show in a telephone interview, shortly before a planned event outside a Tallahassee mosque.

Chinese spokeswoman, Jiang Yu, has issued a stern warning to the UN team responsible for the report.

“It is no surprise that the Western imperialists, bent on hurting the feelings of the Chinese people, would manufacture such false reports with their ‘psycho logic’ and close-minded view of the world,” said Jiang. “The Chinese people will not be swayed by Western threats to the stability or territorial integrity of their Motherland.”

Elaine ‘Bingbing’ Baines, 22, a Harvard political science major and Ph.D. candidate on a semester exchange program at Beijing Normal University, admits to feeling emotionally unsettled by the report as well.

“Whenever I see you Westerners engaging in these sorts of political attacks against Mother China, I can’t help but cry,” pouted Baines in Chinese over a spicy bowl of street-side dandan mian.

“I’d like to see your so-called ‘democracy’ create the same unity of harmony in a land with over a billion people and 56 ethnic darlings. You don’t understand the deep historical complexity of the issues at which you so easily point fingers.”

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Foreign journalists are pictured here changing gas prices around the country

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Beijing authorities announced Friday that recent rises in gas prices were the direct result of interference from foreign agitators, citing journalists and the Internet as the major culprits.

In response to a hike in gas prices of 350 yuan per ton, Ministry of Energy spokesperson Fu Yeng said in a statement yesterday that the government  were not responsible, going on to blame the price hike on a number of other culprits, while declining to go into specifics.

Fu did however add that the news would be unlikely to make foreign headlines because the Western media were directly collaborating on the gas hike.

Bureau chiefs are not the only ones accused of joining what appears to be a worldwide conspiracy to ramp China’s inflation up, a plot that is unconnected to widespread drought and other man-made natural disasters in China, or to the social unrest rumored to be sweeping the Middle East.

Embassies are also involved, says Fu.

“Italy sent 27 pizzas to our Ministry right at the same time as we should have been watching Bloomberg,” Fu alleged.

The gas price hike is hitting citizens hard, and some are taking revenge on the outside world. Xin Mashan, a teacher in a middle school in Shanghai, said that she will never learn or teach anything about other countries ever again as a form of protest.

Xin’s boycott received widespread online attention and has spread across the country, reaching as far as the Ministry of Education’s official national curriculum.

Professor Wang Zhao of Beijing Normal University’s social studies department told China Daily Show that life was much better before the constant interference of foreigners.

“Life was pretty good before open-and-reform,” he sighed. “We had nothing. But we didn’t know we had nothing. Now we realize and it’s all fucked.”

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By XI MEITI
Western Media Correspondent

Hao Ren: "Sometimes I eat noodles, other times rice. I'm unpredictable."

ZHONGCHANG (China Daily Show) – Hao Ren is not a happy man. Until last week, the 28-year-old Han Chinese man thought of himself as a “pretty cool guy.”

But that was before National Geographic and the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing published its ‘Face of Seven Billion’ – a ten-year study to find the world’s “Most Average Man” – and Hao found his everyday features and lifestyle being flashed around the world.

According to National Geographic data, the world’s most typical person is right-handed, makes less than $12,000 per year and has a mobile phone but no bank account.

“I haven’t even got a phone!” Hao says, pointing out that news of his unexpected fame only reached his remote Shanxi farmhouse this week by mule. “They’re right about the salary, though.”

He and his family rely on a monthly delivery of news and mail. As soon as it arrived, Hao called an immediate press conference by carrier pigeon, determined to refute allegations that he is “quotidian.”

“I’m not average,” Hao told reporters. “I’m very much my own person. I too do crazy stuff occasionally – just last month, I forgot to snuff out a lamp when I went to bed and burnt down the pigsty!”

Hao also took the opportunity to appeal for a potential spouse. “I’m looking for a beautiful woman, pure in heart and under 25,” he said. “Someone who  cooks, cleans, loves fresh air and doesn’t mind the smell of pigs.”

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

Davenport is seeking the rights to new cuts of 'Driller Killer' and 'Last Tango in Paris' as well as 'Caligula' (above)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — China’s official state television channel has surprised observers with the announcement that it intends to be the first terrestrial broadcaster in the world to screen the full, unexpurgated four-hour Director’s Cut of controversial 1979 film Caligula.

The decision is the brainchild of Peter Davenport, recently appointed as new creative director of China Central Television (CCTV), following 2011’s disastrous Spring Festival gala show, or Chunwan, described by one irate critic as “the longest suicide note in Chinese television history.”

The 2011 Chunwan fiasco, which drew all-time-low ratings of just 967 million, shocked executives into ordering a shake-up of the channel, long-known for its tedious programming. One top propaganda official was said to have flown into a rage after being sent a DVD of Chunwan: Complete Happy Cut as a New Year gift.

According to a source, identified as “one of the Xinwen Lianbo presenters,” the state-owned monolith held several rounds of interviews for the coveted post before coming to a decision. Davenport landed the job after surrealist director David Lynch was rejected as  “too close to the current chunwan style.”

Davenport, a UK citizen and former director of Channel 4 who was sacked in 2005 following allegations of sexual harassment, immediately ordered the channel to take a radical new direction, ditching tedious historical dramas, tacky game shows and dull news reports for more sensationalist content.

Caligula, which starred Malcolm McDowell, Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud, is an unusual choice for Chinese media, as the original release drew widespread criticism for its scenes of hardcore sex and graphic violence. After numerous scenes were re-shot in secret and pornographic orgies inserted, writer Gore Vidal disowned the project and almost every version since released has been incomplete.

“I’ve spoken to Tinto [Brass, the director] and Bob [Guccione, the producer]’s estate about the material and we’ve agreed on a definitive version at last,” Davenport told China Daily Show.

“Tinto is delighted that Chinese television will be the first to broadcast this lavish masterpiece and recognize its genius,” said a press release from Brass. “He’s particularly pleased that the long-misunderstood, so-called ‘equine scene,’ featuring a horse and two nymphs, has at last been retained in its full glory.”

“Are you serious?” was the reaction of Grady Einstein, Beijing bureau chief for Fores, a US golfing magazine known for its anti-China imperialist bent. “This is great news. I, for one, will be having a night in that night.”

Gerald Gould, a media analyst in Beijing, said the screening was “unprecedented,” adding, “It has certainly brightened my day.”

Davenport also plans to bring in new foreign franchises, with reality series The Real Housewives of Chongqing Municpality set to begin filming in April.

Producers Endemol were said to be disappointed when they failed to sell rights to their ailing Big Brother show, however. “The idea of an all-controlling faceless entity monitoring and directing the actions of a society under constant surveillance clashes with China’s Confucian values,” Davenport said. “I don’t think the Chinese would understand it.”

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By XI MEITI
Western Media Correspondent

Snow thrust an autographed snap into one startled secretary's hands before rushing off to 'wire a telegram'

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Attempts by the Chinese government to attain international journalistic credibility by cloning legendary former US reporter Edgar Snow four years ago went horribly awry, according to CIA disclosures yesterday.

The redacted documents refer to a highly confidential 2006 project to replicate various deceased Western journalists who had expressed sympathy for the Chinese Communist Party during its formative years.

But the experiments, which took place in China’s northeast Heilongjiang Province, were said to have misfired badly, with reports of the “Snow 2.0” clone rampaging through Propaganda Bureau offices in search of a 1937 Remington typewriter and attempting to file “hot copy” to US publications that no longer existed.

“Sweetheart, get me a rewrite!” the author of Red Star Over China (1937) reportedly screamed into a telephone on the desk of an uncomprehending female Propaganda Bureau clerk. Her game of Happy Farm was instead interrupted by “a strange foreigner babbling about an exclusive interview with Mao Zedong in something called the ‘Saturday Evening Post’,” according to the report.

Edgar Snow, who died in Geneva in 1972, was an American journalist who achieved “foreign friend” status in China for his flattering portrait of Mao Zedong’s early leadership. He faced growing criticism from Western peers after other works, including 1963’s The Other Side of the River, dismissed the idea of a famine in late-1950s China and increasingly presented a romanticized view of that period. The Great Leap Forward (1959-1961) saw some 70 million Chinese die of starvation as a result of misguided agricultural policies enforced by the government.

Snow 2.0 was reportedly cloned with DNA extracted from remains taken from his grave at Peking University. Its headstone calls Snow “An American friend of the Chinese people, whose feelings he rarely, if ever, hurt.”

The project was part of a long-running experiment that included several failed attempts to reproduce deceased Western Chinese sympathizers, such as Canadian doctor Norman Bethune and US writer Pearl Buck, as well as a panda with “US characteristics.”

A refined version of Thomas Friedman, known as ‘Friedman MK 4,’  was believed a partial success after extensive testing. However, MK 4 then went “seriously off-message” during a mock studio debate about green-energy policy and had to be shot by the host, one of six Tian Wei clones, all believed to be “highly stable, handy with a pistol but otherwise useless.”

“Despite very much effort to bring him into the 21st century, it seems Snow 2.0 was unable to advance anywhere beyond the Long March era,” said Professor Lin Yifan, a former expert at the secretive Cloned Foreign Friends of China Studies department of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, who defected to the US in 2007. Much of the CIA report is based on Lin’s testimony.

“It seems he was very much always wanting to publish interviews and insight regarding old events, and also shamed many when he naughtily referred to both Soong Mayling [Madame Chiang Kai-shek, the Nationalist leader’s wife] and Jiang Qing [Madame Mao] as ‘hot tomatoes with the cat’s pajamas’ with whom he wanted to ‘hold the presses,’” Lin’s testimony concludes.

The Snow clone is no longer believed to exist, having been humanely destroyed after referring to a visiting intelligence officer’s wife as “toots Tantan.”

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By QUANSHAN CHENG’E
Justice Correspondent

Proposals for the new circle place 'Chinese parents' above sodomists but below property developers

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Unconfirmed reports from sources within Hell today suggested the leadership is considering opening a new extension in the Underworld for those who espouse the “Chinese method” of parenting.

The news comes as US stores prepare for the release of a controversial new book by Amy Chua, entitled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which has already been heavily criticized for its alleged espousal of cruel treatment such as beating, mental torture and denial of basic human rights — the so-called “Chinese Method” — as effective parenting techniques.

Chua’s book is said to have caught the attention of high-ranking demons within Hell’s Administrative Bureau, who thought her humorless parenting methods, responsible for untold misery in the lives of countless suicidal children, made her an ideal candidate for elaborately ironic never-ending torture, without redemption.

“Ms. Chua has demonstrated commensurate talent for coming up with ways to torment small children, exactly an area those of us in the Bureau find the most challenging,” said a Hell Administrative Bureau spokesdemon.

“We’re just at the ‘tossing-ideas-around’ stage at the moment,” the source added. “But some of the concepts for perdition we like so far include, forcing her to produce endless home-made birthday cards which are continually rejected as unfit, and making her learn to play the erhu in front of an unimpressed Chinese-American peer group.”

“It would be all too easy for us to simply say, ‘Corrupt Chinese cadres are all Hell-bound,’” Temeluchus, a mid-level demon, told China Daily Show. “Easy but also ineffective: we much prefer cynical headline-grabbing methods, similar to Chua’s recent article in the Wall Street Journal, disingenuously entitled Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”

The Prince of Darkness, who now prefers the name “Nick,” is said to take a much more modern approach to damnation than in previous centuries and is “always on the look-out for innovative and dynamic tortures and popular modern hate figures,” the spokesdemon said, adding that other candidates for possible hell-fire include Ping Bao, chief of the Internet News Coordination Bureau and irreverent People’s Daily columnist Li Hongmei.

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OFFICIAL REPORT

By GONG CHANDANG
Ministry of Truth Spokesperson

BEIJING (Official Report) — Fear of release of the classified document are now okay, because the detail only show the honest hardworking politician who always thought WHAT WILL CONFUCIUS SAY?

Whereas, the document had now been link to the public, had confirm the suspicion of we Chinese that our leaders had let the country to develop and flourish increasingly without the misconduct, it was nothing to worry about at all really.

As you know, WikiLink is part of the Western’s media: “full of lies.” In fact, the leader had been a rapist many times, and also lied several times. It is very clear.

Although, Ministry of Truth had determine by use of scientist that several of the WikiLink was, in fact, true, for examples: CIA, FBI, Dalai Lama, Falun Gong, and so on, ETC.,

These days, our Ministry of Truth had now collected almost all of the WikiLink document for the scientific analysis and determine the legitimate one and the Western one.

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Ministry of Truth had examined the Western rumors carefully