Congratulations, China. It is good that you are having these dreams now.

Ja, the T-shirt has a double entendre

This is small step forward: It means you are slowly getting your memory back. I encourage this. It is just as we discussed last week – though, you must understand,  this therapy will take many, many, many years.

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By XI MEITI
Western Media Correspondent

Morris says this is his worst case of corporate espionage in nearly eight years of reporting on missing pets

BATON ROUGE (China Daily Show) – Twice-weekly local organ of record the Picayune Sun-Tribune Weekly has become the latest victim of infiltration by state-sponsored Chinese hackers, the newspaper claimed yesterday.

The news follows revelations that reporters working for at least three major Western media groups – the New York Times, Bloomberg and the Wall Street Journal – have suffered several overseas security breaches, believed to originate in China.

“We first noticed web hits began declining steadily in about 2011,” vice-editor Wilbur Morris wrote in a prepared statement.

“We now believe this is directly related to a middling review of the Lucky Golden Dragon restaurant by Food and School Fete Editor Martha Jones, published in a September 2010 edition of the Picayune.”

Jones reportedly spent several hours undercover at the Louisiana-based takeaway, sampling the prawn crackers and frozen spring rolls, before penning the inflammatory 236-word hit-piece, which accused the Cantonese eatery of serving “a chow mein that left this reviewer wondering what happened to the soy sauce!”

Jones: no intention of compromising an upcoming analysis of Jan’s Korean Bakery

Jones, 58, also questioned the lack of MSG in the Lucky Golden Dragon’s eight-dollar ‘Beef in Oytser sauce [sic],’ writing that “it could do with a little more” and even suggesting they offer customers a choice of dips in future.

Editor Morris says that since the review’s publication, several rambling emails he has sent to staffers have gone unanswered, while an old link to a syndicated article about clam chowder now simply returns a 404 error.

“I knew something was up… then I recently read about what happened to the New Yorker?” Morris told China Daily Show over a long lunch– referring to claims that several reporters’ email accounts had come under cyber-attack since penning investigative pieces about top Chinese leaders, including incoming President Xi Jinping and outgoing Premier Wen Jiabao.

“I contacted the FBI, but they told me they were busy solving crimes,” Morris revealed as the pudding course arrived. “Now that in itself tells you there’s something fishy going on.”

Have you been hacked lately? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com – or follow the story with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By TUO KOUXIU
Crime Correspondent

“We got anybody from Chongqing in the house? Nothing to do with me, I hope!”

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – An exasperated Bo Xilai yesterday issued an impatient ultimatum to Beijing officials: just put me on trial.

The disgraced politician made his remarks at a weekend show held by prisoners at the Beijing No 2 Detention Center (B2DC). “It was a bit like Johnny Cash’s famous Live at Folsom Prison,” an anonymous screw explained of the show. “Only without Johnny Cash – or any live recording.

“We kept the prison part, though. Which is arguably the most important bit,” he added.

“What’s the hold-up? You’re collecting evidence?” Bo quipped to an auditorium of sunflower seed-cracking B2DC detainees. “Let’s do this: put me on trial already.”

Bo also wondered if anyone could tell him who the new Politburo Standing Committee was – no one was permitted to – and whether General Secretary Xi Jinping had “lost his phone or something. It’s always turned off,” Bo said.

The disgraced Chongqing Party Secretary has become a popular figure on the B2DC social scene, often seen working the mailroom or exercise yard with his trademark populism and neo-Maoist charm.

“He’ll come over during the lunch hour and ask if you’re enjoying the abalone. It’s a joke, obviously… but he makes you feel, however briefly, like you’re the only corrupt official in the prison,” recalled one dreamy-eyed convict.

Comedy experts describe Bo’s stand-up routine as Victorian music hall meets end-of-the-pier variety act.

“Take my wife, for example – oh, the police already did that,” was a typical quip.

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By XI MEITEI
Western Media Correspondent

Whitman, pictured waiting for a rumor to break on Twitter

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The chief correspondent for a top US newspaper has admitted that he has pretty much no idea what is currently going on in China.

“Nope – I’ve got nothing, to be honest with you. Not a goddamn clue,” said 44-year-old Peter Whitman, a veteran of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars who was previously a correspondent in Syria and Egypt. “And neither does anyone else. Your next guess is probably just as good as mine.”

Amid speculation and scandal surrounding the 18th Party Congress, which begins today, Whitman confessed that neither he nor any of his colleagues had any  notion about what is actually happening behind the walled compounds of Zhongnanhai and Beidahe, where the key decisions are usually made about the upcoming leadership transition.

“Sometimes, I feel embarrassed when people ask me what’s really going on with, say, Bo Xilai or Jiang Zemin and I have to kind of roll my eyes, shrug and sometimes even extend my hands, with the palms upwards, like I’m some kind of complete asshat,” said Whitman. “But honestly, we’re really doing our best.”

Whitman argues that, when it requires an immersive understanding of the internal, ongoing dynamics of the Chinese Communist Party as it approaches one of its most momentous power handovers in history, “There’s probably a box of interesting rocks on Jia Qinglin’s desk that knows more that we do.”

Observing somewhat bitterly that even the most well-researched bit of Pekingology might as well be pulled out of his own behind, Whitman pointed out that most of the sources available to well-placed journalists regarding the Party’s inner dynamics are likely to be in some way flawed, compromised or subject to bias.

“The next Chinese president is supposed to be Xi Jinping. But it might even be an Inner Mongolian goat herder. We just don’t know,” shrugged an exasperated Whitman, referring to the upcoming leadership handover.

“I mean, I could be writing my stuff from a beach in Uruguay, based on my wildest speculation, and still have about as much serious chance of getting it right as some guy who’s been here ten years on the fucking ground,” said Whitman, while close to tears of hysterical laughter. “In fact, I might as well do that – the weather’s sure as hell nicer over there.”

Citing the need to keep up basic appearances and present a semblance of authority, Whitman said foreign desk editors still routinely send journalists to China in order to go about their lives, prepare daily briefings and file new copy.

“I mean, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but it’s all pointless, in a way. I don’t know why I bother sometimes,” Whitman shrugged. “I really don’t. I mean, think about it, man: Uruquay.”

Follow everything there is to know on China’s leadership transition at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

All those in favor of rocking this party out till dawn, raise your hands in the air!

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It’s official! The Seventh Plenary Session of the outgoing 17^th Central Committee will be “even bigger, better and bolder than ever before,” according to early reports.

“This year’s plenary session will be so off-the-hook, I can scarcely wait to create a precise flower arrangement suitably honoring it,” wrote one giddy netizen.

And it’s not just a fan talking about it – officials are excited, too.

“This plenum will surely be the best plenum yet,” insisted plenum spokesman Le Keqiang, who added that he was looking forward to this year’s plenum – scheduled, as usual, for sometime in September, October, November, December or perhaps next year – “with tension.”

But the new plenum has not been without its controversy.

Political turmoil earlier this year saw the shock downfall of Chongqing politician Bo Xilai and his allies, sparking a major leadership split.

Meanwhile, organizers have had to contend with complaints from some critics that last year’s line-up was “flat and inspiring.”

Especially disappointing was said to have been a lackluster vocal performance from the Rural Social Development Panel, led by rising right-wing star Ling Bo, 58.

“They played the usual set without any gusto… it was the same old stuff: reform the household registration system, raise agrarian living standards, yak, yak, yak,” grumbled long-time social-reform advocate Zhu Yipeng, 49.

“Their new material – things about controlling the housing market and capping inflation – seemed derivative to the press and didn’t really get much love from fans, either.”

Peng has vowed to wear a ‘fucking enormous dress’

But a draft version of the line-up for the 17^th Central Committee’s final plenum suggests that officials have taken those earlier criticisms seriously.

Late Communist Party leader Hu Yaobang’s widow, an endearingly popular presence, has been drafted in to open the talks.

Meanwhile, headlining the second day is Peng Liyuan (pictured, left), the popular folk-singer wife of  the expected incoming President Xi Jinping.

The famed soprano, who holds the rock ’n roll rank of general in the army, is said to have a talent for reading crowds, Tang poetry and her husband’s email.

Peng is also particularly well-known for her hugely distracting costumes on stage.

Her syrupy set will feature a pre-approved playlist of “blisteringly mild reformist rhetoric and some nostalgic, leftist classics for the oldsters,” according to insiders.

On paper, at least, the eagerly awaited Seventh Plenum is poised to provide a guideline document for China’s continuing reform and opening-up process, as the blueprint of ongoing socialist modernization with Chinese characteristics– but, experts say, most people just go along to rock out and get messy.

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By GOU ZAIDUI
Media Correspondent

The rugged pictures covered pages 1-42 of the normally staid People’s Daily

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A top Chinese editor has defended his newspaper’s controversial decision to publish topless photos of Xi Jinping, arguing, “I was ordered to.”

The crystal-clear images, showing a bare-breasted Xi in a number of poses – including sitting astride a black stallion, clutching an ivory hunting horn –were taken earlier this morning from an digital SLR camera five feet away, and leaked to the People’s Daily. 

After a five-minute telephone conversation with Xi, the newspaper agreed to publish them immediately.

“We considered the news value,” said Ho Ximin, editor of the People’s Daily gossip section, “and received the urgent directive to print them at once.”

The pap snaps, reproduced in startlingly pinprick-detail across all 42 pages of the party mouthpiece, depict 59-year-old Xi – who is expected to replace Hu Jintao as China’s President in October –  as “very much the high-resolution picture of strident, masculine health,” complete with “gleaming pectorals, strong teeth and a glossy head of hair,” the newspaper reported.

The flattering pictures appear following a long, unexplained absence from public appearances by Xi in September, during which he was dogged by rumors of ill health.

Explaining his tough decision to publish the images, Ho said, “It was in the guidance of public interest,” adding, “I had absolutely no choice.”

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Vice-President Xi Jinping, pictured hailing a cab to the nearest Internet cafe

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping has been rushed to a hotpot restaurant, after being found just barely alive following a five-day gaming bender.

The man tipped to become the second most powerful in the world in October had not been seen in public since sitting down last Wednesday to “type a few emails.”

After opening up several tabs and clicking on links, a distracted Xi was soon embroiled in a protracted flame war with an anonymous Japanese forum user who was clearly in the wrong.

That would have been that, say aides, had Xi not then become obsessed with the idea of playing epic role -playing game Skyrim to 100 percent completion before the start of the 18th Party Congress in mid-October.

“Just a few more hours,” Xi allegedly promised aides, before passing out in an internet café while attempting to return the Thieves’ Guild to its former glory, after a 96-hour online session fueled only by ice tea and noodle flavoring sachets.

Witnesses say it was several hours before staff realized the vice-president was comatose.

The incident recalls the glory days of Mao Zedong, when the Great Helmsman would often disappear for months on end, indulging his passion for sleeping, nut-scratching and young PLA dancing troupes.

But it reflects a growing problem in China: internet addiction.

What – man can’t get some Skyrim without the media all up in his grill?

China has established so-called ‘addiction boot camps’ to treat children with an over-dependence on activities such as Happy Farm, but it is thought that Xi begged not to be sent to one, for fear of being teased or beaten to death.

Officials, quick to reassure the public that it was business as usual, have decided to ignore the matter.

“Some people might think it was weird – or even messed-up – that the guy about to be in charge of the world’s screwiest economy went practically AWOL for nearly a week,” said one senior adviser. “But we know that it doesn’t really make the slightest difference.”

Xi is expected to return to work and carry on as if nothing had happened this Friday.

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By XIAO DIDI
Politics Correspondent

Lady Gugu: Beijing has released the first photographic evidence of Gu’s package (Image: LOLA)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The endgame in the Bo Xilai case may have finally been reached, after full blame was attached by a Hefei court to Bo’s wife, Gu Kailai– now revealed to have a secret attachment of her own.

A well-connected source – said to be Gu’s balls – admitted that Gu’s malevolent meatstick was directly connected to British businessman Neil Heywood’s death.

Sweating closely from beneath what is believed to be a full-sized she-dick, Madam Gu’s testicles told judges that their owner was definitely a “malignant bitch” – or words, our legal source said, that were essentially similar to almost being the same.

The closed-door trial comes at a tense time for the Chinese government, as the government prepares for a disputed once-a decade leadership transition, while attempting to depict disgraced former Party Secretary Bo’s wife as a homicidal Lady Macbeth figure.

Now, sources say, confirmation that Gu is a transgender bitch-on-wheels could at last draw a veil over the long-running theory that she is simply a convenient scapegoat, albeit one highly corrupt and fairly typical of certain female characters in Chinese literature and history.

“Short of claiming she is the living reincarnation of the evil Empress-Dowager Cixi, we’re done with Gu Kailai,” an exhausted prosecutor told China Daily Show.

“Thank God this is almost over,” said one foreign journalist. “I really couldn’t take much more of this ridiculous story.”

Phallic facts about the hot-air balloon-traveling Gu are already piling up online to confirm the speculations.

“Gu definitely has a monstrous junk,” one shocked eyewitness told the Internet. “She would sometimes give it its own military uniform, so it could strut around like a Generalissimo.”

Some wonder why this information has only just emerged.

“No one noticed this before but after about two months into the investigation, someone did notice it,” the prosecutor explained. “We always knew Gu Kulai wanted to be with a Politburo member – but not like this.”

Both these people have penises  –but only one is evil

The revelation of Gu’s wicked Johnson has revolted even hardened pricks in the Chinese government.

But, analysts say, the existence of Gu’s veiny masculine appendage could help provide a neat conclusion to the current political crisis.

“This sort of thing doesn’t happen very often, except in Germany, obviously,” said a source close to the investigation. “However, it does mean now we can pin this entire situation on one witch-like woman and her wily wang.”

The source added that the case was not political but that Gu had nevertheless presented a credible threat to China’s political stability.

“The last thing an aging bunch of male rulers need is the appearance of a stiff  but feminine symbol of Chinese power,” he explained. “After all, they have Xi Jinping.”

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