Editor’s note: Yang Rui is the Managing Editor and Host of the CCTV News puppet-show Monologue, which  presents news about China from a Chinese perspective and in a balanced way.

Yang is responding to an article posted May 18th on the website of the Wall Street Journal, which was published without his consent.

“For a long time now, many young Chinese have taken it for granted that every Westerner is the same: same face, same funny names  (“Randy” LOL), same language, same obsession with the concept of rights.

But we put up with them, you know? We welcome them into the country and gladly receive their advice, their expertise, their technology – but not their “rights”!

A lot of them I actually quite like. But last week I made a horrible discovery – I watched a number of videos [Editor’s note: two], involving the apparent attempted rape of a young Chinese girl on the streets of our capital and a “dissing” shown to a middle-aged woman on a train.

The sensational nature of the empowered new media means that some isolated events can trigger strong public reactions. And I wasn’t going to miss out on that.

I came up with the clever term “foreign trash” and suggested, quite reasonably, that they should all fuck the fuck off back to their homelands.

Since then, many have chosen to misrepresent my words. Wall Street Journal, I’m looking at you.

Of course, when I said, “people who can’t find jobs in the US come to China to grab our money, engage in human trafficking and spread deceitful lies to encourage emigration” what I meant was “the majority of foreigners are friendly. They travel, do business and make an honest living.”

At the time of writing that May 16 post, it was late on a Wednesday and I was, naturally, pretty loaded at the time. Things often get confused, blurry and emotional around 7.30pm of a mid-week evening and this was no less of the case here.

'We're cool now, right?'

I’d like to make one thing clear, however, and that is the mischaracterization of what I said in Chinese regarding expelled journalist Melissa Chan. “Po Fu,” if you look it up, does not mean “bitch.” It means “shrew.”

The shrew is the most noble of the field mammals. Its kind, inquisitive and furry features often bring delight to my heart when I see one scurry through the corn, its cute snout twitching on its way to store more nuts for winter. In short, what is wrong with being called a shrew?

I hope I’ve got away with that.”

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Suspicions were first aroused after Yang demanded guests hand over their clothes, their boots and their motorcycle (Image: Lola)

By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Questions were being raised about rising standards at China’s state broadcaster yesterday, after a top TV anchor was found to be a cybernetic organism sent from the future.

Until last weekend, Yang Rui was the relatively unknown presenter of CCTV show Monologue, in which Yang interviewed himself via a series of eclectic hand puppets.

That all changed this week, after faulty circuitry prompted an online diatribe against “foreign trash,” with the host accusing China’s foreign community of being secret GPS-mapping spies bent on the country’s destruction.

Alarmed bosses at CCTV ordered a product recall, where tests revealed rogue Terminator DNA.

“It explains a lot. The tight-ass demeanour, delusions of grandeur and absence of personality… just how many of China’s TV hosts are potential lethal killing machines?” wrote Grady Einstein, a known agitator for the anti-China US golfing magazine Fores.

Residue tests for talent initially came back negative but doctors were alarmed by traces of titanium alloy in Yang’s blood, it was reported.

An initial X-ray showed a microchip stamped with the Cyberdyne Industries logo. Further CAT scans failed to detect any brain activity, instead revealing a low-tech CPU and hard drive, both riddled with government propaganda and viruses.

“Yang’s CPU showed advanced deterioration in his circuitry, which can manifest itself in paranoid delusions of popularity,” noted a programmer. “He’s more machine now than man.”

Experts posit that Yang may have been a prototype sent back in time by Skynet as a test subject, then later abandoned.

“An early T-600 model would certainly explain his lack of charm,” the programmer said. “Personality was a later update used in the T-1000 – the silver morphing one.”

“We think his arrogance simply overrode his primary objective: to kill foreign bloggers in China,” a source closed to the project told China Daily Show. “Yang is convinced he is human and what’s more, believes himself to not only be an engaging TV personality but also the voice of every Asian person who has ever lived.”

Yang is currently being de-programmed at a secret facility in Seoul, where he will be joined this week by  a sympathetic Rui Chenggang.

“It’s been a traumatic process and there’s still a long way to go,” one doctor at the facility admitted. “We’ve had tantrums and sulks and even an aborted attempt to terminate the entire nursing staff.”

Not everyone is convinced by the explanation, however.

“Everyone knows that Judgement Day only happened because the machines became self-aware,” tweeted Einstein. “That’s one thing Yang clearly is not.”

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