Editor’s note: The State Council Information Office of the People’s Republic of China recently published its unannotated annual report, titled ‘The Human Rights Record of the United States.’
You can read it on Xinhua or catch the full drift in this annotated edition here:
On Life, Property and Personal Security
- The United States has mighty strength in human, financial and material resources to exert effective control over violent crimes.
- However, during a visit to New York last year, Madame Jing (my wife) left her sunglasses in the taxi and they were not returned. The driver also did not recognize Madame Jing, nor praise her husband’s initiatives developing a prosperous Gansu, nor pass on compliments regarding the motherland’s first desert hydro-electric plant in the glorious scrublands of our home province. [Edit: check dam has not collapsed]
- The US constitution guarantees its citizens the right to bear arms. And yet the US allows its citizens to carry guns.
- [Note to intern: Cut ’n’ paste lengthy bits from Western media (forbidden) in motherland) about gun crime, with detailed statistics, then quietly insert major unverified claim to conclude]
On Civil and Political Rights [Edit: keep this part short, eh?]
- [Note to intern: Use quote from ‘Occupy the Wall Street’ person, remove quote marks, attribute to Washington Post? Cut non-relevant parts about ‘Occupy’ news blackout in motherland
- [Note to intern: Find YouTube clip of ‘Pepper Spray Cop’ to imbed (use my VPN). Contact Pepper Spray Cop. What’s his side of story, etc?]
- The US military is secretly manipulating social media sites by using fake online personas to create a false consensus in online conversations, crowd out unwelcome opinions and smother commentaries or reports that do not correspond with its own objectives. [Edit: Excellent idea, btw – totally stolen from us. Pls check (Note to self: write angry op-ed]
- [Note to intern: If search results do not comply with relevant laws and regulations, use my computer]
- Netizen comments to go here.
- The US government is secretly corrupt [Use block quotes from US Congressional Hearings for proof]
On Economic and Social Rights
- Just rehash some of that earlier stuff re Wall Street? [Edit: YESSSS]
- [Edit: mention what happened with the Cowboys and Indians] [Intern: You mean the movie? Think the word ‘cowboys’ now considered ‘offensive’ to village people?]
- On the morning of April 13, 2011, Thomas Jefferson Junior High schooler Martin Perry, 11, requested his teacher grant a bathroom break. Citing the lesson’s imminent conclusion, and with malice aforethought, the teacher, Miss Pennywright, did deny M Perry’s rights, resulting in the unavoidable consequences of M Perry besmirching his shorts, and suffering further abuses at the hands of his classmates. In addition to M Perry’s psychological suffering, a cub reporter from the Jefferson Junior Journal was later threatened with a noogie by classmate Geoff ‘Jugs’ McBain while investigating the incident. Local newspapers refused to run the story, citing vague state laws regarding privacy, protection of minors and public interest. [Source: Jefferson Junior Journal]
On Cultural Rights [Edit: Let’s wrap this up ASAP. Family getting impatient]
- [Edit: surely can use that Cowboys and Indians stuff here?]
- Ted Nugent.
- You’re still reading?
Xinhua related news:
- Most on Venice Beach must fight sun’s rays without aid of Dear Leader, says DPRK spokesman
- Mass grave in Gettysburg Cemetery located by local curator: report
- 45% of US voters actually voted Republican at some point
- American drop-outs denied full college-education: Exclusive
- Income gap widens between women, certain blacks, children and 50-year-old white American men