US President Obama held a joint press conference with Chinese President Xi Jinping to conclude their APEC 2014 discussions. Here’s the text in full.
Droid: You ask question now!
Reporter: Did the United States play a role in the recent Hong Kong protests?
President Obama: We played the role of bystander. And I think our great success in that role is a testament to the extraordinary growth in ties between our two countries
Reporter: The climate deal promises the US will cut emissions by over a quarter by 2025, with China emissions peaking “no later than 2030.” Could you explain these targets?
Obama: Just looking at the clear, blue skies of Beijing – once synonymous with pollution – it’s, ah, “clear” that China is firmly in control of its environmental degradation. Therefore, we felt it was… OK to keep the wording a little vague, and say we’ll have emissions, uh, down by “around 2030”
Reporter: So that target could be 2031, or 2032 or even 2035?
Obama: Either way, none of us [indicates President Xi] will be around to deal with that
Droid: [To Chinese reporter] Delete all remarks suggesting President Xi may not be around in 2030
Reporter: President Xi, do you think these targets are attainable?
President Xi: Even a mighty lake begins with just a few droplets from the sky. Don’t go chasing waterfalls
Reporter: Did you discuss the issue of human rights?
Obama: It is the United States’ position that human rights are universal, whether you are born in New York, Paris or Hong Kong. Just not China.
Xi: The quality of mercy is not strained. It falleth from the heavens like acid rain. It is twice blessed: It blesses me. And it blesses my friends
Reporter: Several foreign journalists continue to be denied visas. Can President Xi explain whether this situation can be rectified?
Xi: China is country under rule of whim. Don’t fight it. Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it. And should that rollercoaster unexpectedly plunge to the ground, killing dozens, well – who’s fault is that?
Droid: No more questions! You will leave immediately. Happy APEC, please respect rules and regulations