Premier Li Keqiang ordered a “full and transparent” inquiry into the explosion of a warehouse that killed more than 100 people in the city of Tianjin.
Mere days after the leader’s command, Tianjin officials are proud to release this 24-page commemorative ‘Binhai People’s Municipal Government Full and Open Report Into Regrettable Incident of August 12.’ According to People’s Daily, “To counter irresponsible rumors, many say this is the fastest, most efficient report in the world’s history.” Here are the inquiry’s main findings:
- Tianjin is a delightful, charming city with many appealing aspects for foreigners
- Have you tried the goubuli stuffed baozi?
- Tell them Momo sent you
- Now let us briefly dwell on the blame for the embarrassing events of August 12
- But let us not dwell too long, out of sensitivity to the victims
- Their names may be too numerous to recall, but in particular we honor Vice Deputy Secretary Lin Yuan, who lost several apartments in the tragic explosion
- We suspect that the warehouse where this explosion occurred was being operated by a Japanese pornographer
- Fortunately, all red-hot foreign pornography has been safely destroyed
- Tests show the water in Tianjin is now as safe and undrinkable as it was before the incident
- This concludes the most excellent findings of the report
- Please remember the victims, whose dying wish was that we forget them as soon as possible