By XING CHOUWEN
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Self-defined “citizen of the world” and all-round quintessential douchebag Aaron Mackiewicz of Columbus, Ohio has unwittingly become one of China’s most well-known foreigners, after reports of his drunken, offensive antics surfaced on domestic file-sharing websites.
Speaking semi-clothed from the all-weather balcony of a Nanluoguxiang bar, the insufferable US-cum-Tudou sensation told China Daily Show how, prior to arriving in China, he had dismissed the Communist country as “buttoned-up tight-asses… not ready for a freewheeling dude like myself. But after I arrived, I found this is totally a free country.”
Mackiewicz went on to describe acts previously denied him in his home country of America, a nation he describes as being “run by a bunch of Nazis in uniforms.”
These “God-given rights” included:
- Urinating on the base of a statue of former leader Chairman Mao Zedong at the Beijing Institute of Technology
- Loudly condemning the ruling Chinese Communist Party within earshot of a train guard
- Openly reading semi-pornographic magazines on public transport
- Exposing himself accidentally to a busload of students on his return from Fragrant Hills Park after a 6am visit
This final incident was captured on mobile-phone camera by disgusted student Lei Wei, 22, who uploaded it to Mop, a popular Chinese Internet forum. The post led to an explosion of comments, including a detailed description of the Mao statue incident by an outraged college professor, confirmed by Mackiewicz as “totally true.”
During a three-week holiday in the People’s Republic of China, Mackiewicz, known without affection online as “Brother Dickhead,” has had his movements traced by Beijing’s Public Security Bureau, whose chief Wei Tao today confirmed receipt of over 40 official complaints that a “fire-haired foreign devil” was harassing citizens.
Wei vowed that the police would only act in the event that the ongoing Internet meme ceases to be popular. “When he stops getting clicks, we’ll move in,” Chief Wei told China Daily Show.
According to Mackiewicz’s close friends – who described him as an “unbelievable buffoon,” “jerk-off” and “utter motherfucker” – Mackiewicz is unaware of his own notoriety, and is now being unknowingly co-opted into shenanigans by ambitious post-90s Chinese kids with cameras, eager for a share of the American’s Internet fame.
BIT student Ellen Wu, 20, admitted that she has a ‘date’ with Mackiewicz scheduled for this evening. In fact, Wu has a bet with her microblog followers to see whether or not she can trick the unlovable Internet jack-ass into ingesting large quantities of paint thinner. Wu says the edited footage will be uploaded as soon as she can locate enough comedic sound effects.
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