US, China argue over Jeremy Lin bragging rights


Hurt Feelings Correspondent

Stateside Jeremy Lin fans are seen to urgently lack PRC flags

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – As “Linsanity” continues to sweep both sides of the Pacific, an increasingly heated territorial dispute concerning the “rights” to Jeremy Lin has embroiled China, the US and Taiwan.

Lin, point guard for the New York Knicks, became an overnight sensation after scoring 25 points and leading the Knicks to victory against the New Jersey Nets on February 4.

Only hours after Lin’s astonishing performance, a top military panel – known as the People’s Liberation Army General Assembly Guarding against Americanism, or PLA-GAGA – met in a secret bunker outside Beijing.

Six hours later, a confidential memo was issued, asserting Lin was now ancient Chinese property. Within days, a team of experts had compiled the appropriate response: a well-worded editorial, published on Xinhua, offering Lin the Holy Grail of Chinese citizenship.

“We’re not the Americans. We don’t shoot first and ask questions later,” a source revealed. “We ask questions – then start shooting.”

Beijing suspects the star player is being held at an undisclosed Las Vegas location. A source told China Daily Show that Lin is under constant guard by US agents disguised as cheerleaders.

Yesterday morning, a special session of the United Nations Security Council saw Chinese and US delegates lock horns over exploration rights to Lin, with the Chinese representative at one point removing his slip-on loafer and banging it on the table, screaming, “We will bury you!”

Meanwhile, the British – completely in the dark as to who Jeremy Lin was, and why he mattered – are being urgently briefed on the matter.

Today, the unsightly turf war threatens to go public, as each side offer their own version of events.

Taiwan’s government has waded into the debate, claiming the breakout star belongs to Taipei. “He’s the child of Taiwanese immigrants. A pure-blooded son of our glorious island,” diplomat Ch’en Ch’ing-Chiew told reporters. “We have plans to name a food street after him. It’s a done deal.”

The US State Department responded with its own soft power in the form of an attractive Times Square advert, lushly directed by Tom Hanks.

“Why, hush my mouth… ol’ Jeremy’s as American as apple pie,” actress Kathy Bates coos over alternating scenes of a shirtless Lin draped with an American flag and footage of steaming, fresh-baked pies at a small-town Fourth of July parade. “If some no-good railroad-buildin’ varmints want him, why, they are welcome to come on over ‘n’ try!”

With reports that Lin, a devout Christian, has been in talks with religious organizations aimed at securing citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven, the controversy shows no sign of abating.

Analysts suggest the tough US stance could be in response to the Bush administration’s unpopular decision to cede sovereignty over Jackie Chan to China. The deal was struck in 2007, in exchange for mutual assurances that Chan wouldn’t make another Rush Hour.

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