Westology: The Miracle of the Passion of the Easter

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Westology is an occasional series in which Chinese experts explain the West.

Part Two: The Miracle of Easter, with Professor Xifang Shuo, PhD

Professor Wang

Have a Merry Easter!

What is Easter? Well this is the question! Easter is another Holy Day, which is why Westerners use the word ‘holiday’ when they make merry and worship their young God with songs, dance and snacking on cocoa product.

Easter begins on a different time each years, similar to our Spring Festival – but much less ancient, of course. Only 2,000 years, according to my sums.

Let us now ‘bridge the understandment.’

Easter Eggs Many Chinese friends ask me why the Westerner hides eggs, so children hunt and eat them. Extensive inquiry yields a most gruesome explanation. It dates to an ancient Roman ritual because, after Jesus died, he lived in a cave for a week. Then he was born again from the dead (we can surmise, from an egg). Although the Romans nowadays prefer to eat Jesus when he is shaped like a biscuit, I think the Westerner still prefers egg.

Strange to say, many of my friends who are Jew do not celebrate Easter. Perhaps it is because they are all busy making money? But to be very serious to all foreign friends, never give an ‘Easter egg’ to a Jew. It looks like a bomb.

Chocolate According to their kosher, our Jew friends cannot eat chocolate. Or pork. Now this is truly strange! How do they enjoy meat?

The Easter Rabbit During the Passover, it is considered a good idea to pursue and slaughter a rabbit in front of the children. In this way, children quickly understand the concept of wearing fur.

Jesus as he would probably look like today

Jesus as he would probably look like today

Zombies Americans are obsessed with zombies, as shown in the excellent 2008 documentary Dawn of the Dead. No zombie is more popular than Jesus or any of the “Grateful Dead,” who are still worshipped at pagan festivals today.

After his death, Jesus went to the Americas to talk to Indians. Perhaps he also met Chinese there, at the time of Admiral Zhang He?

Transformers Like Great Monkey King Sun Wukong, Jesus can turn himself into a lamb or a ghost or many other shapes! This is quite amazing (and very confusing, also, if you watch the famous film Bram Stoker’s Dracula).

Actually, even for myself, after many years of reading and checking the words in my beloved 1976 Chinese-English dictionary, I do not fully understand the mysteries of the Holy Easter. For example, we know that Jesus was a virgin, yet there is talk of his passion. Of course, we should never discuss sex openly, but is this not “Western hypo-Christ?”

Enough satirical! I am truly looking forward to spending the Easter weekend with Western friends, getting “thoroughly crucified!”

Follow @chinadailyshow for more Westology lessons

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  • birthdaycake

    Hahahahahahahaha! Seriously I am dying. Awesome the China daily show is still hilarious after so many years. Thanks guys!

  • beijingdreams

    Funny, but get your Chinese spellings right. ZhEng He and Sun MuKong