By JONAS WHALE
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Questions were being raised about rising standards at China’s state broadcaster yesterday, after a top TV anchor was found to be a cybernetic organism sent from the future.
Until last weekend, Yang Rui was the relatively unknown presenter of CCTV show Monologue, in which Yang interviewed himself via a series of eclectic hand puppets.
That all changed this week, after faulty circuitry prompted an online diatribe against “foreign trash,” with the host accusing China’s foreign community of being secret GPS-mapping spies bent on the country’s destruction.
Alarmed bosses at CCTV ordered a product recall, where tests revealed rogue Terminator DNA.
“It explains a lot. The tight-ass demeanour, delusions of grandeur and absence of personality… just how many of China’s TV hosts are potential lethal killing machines?” wrote Grady Einstein, a known agitator for the anti-China US golfing magazine Fores.
Residue tests for talent initially came back negative but doctors were alarmed by traces of titanium alloy in Yang’s blood, it was reported.
An initial X-ray showed a microchip stamped with the Cyberdyne Industries logo. Further CAT scans failed to detect any brain activity, instead revealing a low-tech CPU and hard drive, both riddled with government propaganda and viruses.
“Yang’s CPU showed advanced deterioration in his circuitry, which can manifest itself in paranoid delusions of popularity,” noted a programmer. “He’s more machine now than man.”
Experts posit that Yang may have been a prototype sent back in time by Skynet as a test subject, then later abandoned.
“An early T-600 model would certainly explain his lack of charm,” the programmer said. “Personality was a later update used in the T-1000 – the silver morphing one.”
“We think his arrogance simply overrode his primary objective: to kill foreign bloggers in China,” a source closed to the project told China Daily Show. “Yang is convinced he is human and what’s more, believes himself to not only be an engaging TV personality but also the voice of every Asian person who has ever lived.”
Yang is currently being de-programmed at a secret facility in Seoul, where he will be joined this week by a sympathetic Rui Chenggang.
“It’s been a traumatic process and there’s still a long way to go,” one doctor at the facility admitted. “We’ve had tantrums and sulks and even an aborted attempt to terminate the entire nursing staff.”
Not everyone is convinced by the explanation, however.
“Everyone knows that Judgement Day only happened because the machines became self-aware,” tweeted Einstein. “That’s one thing Yang clearly is not.”
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