By XI YANGYANG
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China’s president Xi Jinping has urged all 1.4 billion citizens to celebrate the upcoming Chinese New Year by doing exactly as he tells them.
“It is the Year of the Sheep,” said Xi. “It is a good time for sheep. Be sheepish in your criticism, and sheep-like in obeisance.”
Continuing, Xi angrily condemned Western notions such as free speech, Pop Tarts and decent cinema as “anathema to Chinese culture.”
Calling on the country’s cultural leaders to “look to the goat,” Xi demanded all artists, filmmakers and writers return to agricultural college for “further ideological guidance.”
Xi added he had just returned from a Mongolian sheep farm that was “bristling with positive energy.”
In the televised speech, dutifully watched by millions, Xi explained the sheep was a “docile, hard-working beast which loves the master who shears it.” This was the perfect model for China’s governance, Xi said, concluding his address by looking directly at the camera and hissing: “Look, just shut your goddamn mouths, do what I say, and no one gets hurt – OK?”